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The Lights Are On

My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 uterine serous carcinoma.

Uncommon, rare, aggressive.

That was in January.

She was always the "walk it off" type. The "don't go to the doctor until something is very wrong" type.

It worked for so long, it worked for 68 years.

She never went to the doctor. Never took any medications. Only in 2023 did she start taking a heartburn pill almost daily.

The heartburn was so bad, she actually went to a doctor. A shock. They prescribed some over the counter heartburn medications.

They didn't work.

So they did a CT scan.

Found the uterine cancer and 7 nodules on her lungs. Biopsied the uterine cancer and found out the type.

Now 4/26/24.......

There is nothing left for the doctors to do. She is home with me now.

Hospice brought us a bed and supplies and medications.

It hit me today that, as far as her spirit and self.....she died weeks ago.

The lights are on,

But she is staring at something in the distance that I can't see.

She hears me and knows me and answers me.

Her eyes don't see me any more.

I broke down at work today, finally realizing that she truly left weeks ago. I'd never be able to have her look at me again and tell me she loves me. She would never see me again and vice versa.

I suddenly felt so alone. And no, not in that "I don't have friends or family".

I have a friend. I have cousins. My sister.

But my mom was the only one I ever cried to. The only one I was ever vulnerable with. The only one I felt comfortable with. She was a best friend and mom all in one. I told her everything. She made me feel seen, heard, and not alone.

She is my tether to life.

My help, my sister, takes so much suboxone (medication for former heroin addicts that is just as bad but legal) that she's out of it. She is doing good as far as helping me but had a two minute scary moment when she took a nap...

My cousin is basically an acquaintance that I won't ask anything of for this, and my friend is also in the same category.

I found my dads body at 11 and now I'm going to find my moms.

I will always try to figure out why her. I mean she didn't drink out of plastic bottles, wasn't obese, didn't eat that badly, took basic Centrum vitamin, didn't smoke, no medications. No anything. A kind caring soul who kept the lives of her kids and their kids whole.

A babysitter that all the kids liked.

A Sunday school teacher.

Just how. Why.

I know there is no answer. It's life.

But it breaks my heart.

So I'll just drift away and disappear for a while

The lights are on but no one's home

[media=https://youtu.be/RMhSPROjcqc]
I am so very sorry. Went through this with my mom and pancreatic cancer. Also healthy her entire life. For patient and family, an indescribable pain no one should have to suffer.
HellsBelle · 36-40, F
@OlderSometimesWiser any tips? or indications of the "end"? She is very bad off but is fighting death like I have never seen. Also, love your username
@HellsBelle Same with my mom. She did not want to go. Fought it every step of the way. The cliched things you’re told, play music, let her know it’s okay to leave, to let go, even touching her at times, she wanted no part of it. She was pissed. Lol….. my sister and I, she could take or leave but she had two granddaughters, the great loves of her life who she did not want to be parted from. It absolutely kills me that they’re both getting married, one this year and one next year, and mom will not be there to see it. Would have been the absolute highlight of her life.

If your mom is still communicative in any way, tell her anything/everything you want her to know. It’s a major relief that we had no unfinished business and no words left unsaid. Before her final days at home, when we still had hope, I sat with her in the infusion center for her eight hour chemo treatments. Crazy that we had some of our best talks there. About anything and everything. Very meaningful time. When we did bring her home for her last ten days, after the first couple of days she was pretty much unconscious, I was just grateful that the last thing we said to each other was “I love you.”

After that unfortunately it was just a waiting game. A long, agonizing waiting game. We kept her as comfortable and pain free as possible until she could fight no more, when my sister went into her room one night at about 10pm, she was gone.
(((((HUGS))))) I am so very sorry what You are going through, I know this pain all too well as I went through it with my paternal Grandfather when I was 22 in 1992, cancer is a nasty scourge in my family. Since the 70's all but two members that have died from both sides of my grandparents generation on down have passed from from one for or another, we don't ask if we're going to get it, we ask when are we going to get it. The only two that didn't die was my Dad, he was murdered, but framed as taking his own life, and one of my Dad's cousins that died from AIDS from tainted blood he got during surgery.

 
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