The Lights Are On
My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 uterine serous carcinoma.
Uncommon, rare, aggressive.
That was in January.
She was always the "walk it off" type. The "don't go to the doctor until something is very wrong" type.
It worked for so long, it worked for 68 years.
She never went to the doctor. Never took any medications. Only in 2023 did she start taking a heartburn pill almost daily.
The heartburn was so bad, she actually went to a doctor. A shock. They prescribed some over the counter heartburn medications.
They didn't work.
So they did a CT scan.
Found the uterine cancer and 7 nodules on her lungs. Biopsied the uterine cancer and found out the type.
Now 4/26/24.......
There is nothing left for the doctors to do. She is home with me now.
Hospice brought us a bed and supplies and medications.
It hit me today that, as far as her spirit and self.....she died weeks ago.
The lights are on,
But she is staring at something in the distance that I can't see.
She hears me and knows me and answers me.
Her eyes don't see me any more.
I broke down at work today, finally realizing that she truly left weeks ago. I'd never be able to have her look at me again and tell me she loves me. She would never see me again and vice versa.
I suddenly felt so alone. And no, not in that "I don't have friends or family".
I have a friend. I have cousins. My sister.
But my mom was the only one I ever cried to. The only one I was ever vulnerable with. The only one I felt comfortable with. She was a best friend and mom all in one. I told her everything. She made me feel seen, heard, and not alone.
She is my tether to life.
My help, my sister, takes so much suboxone (medication for former heroin addicts that is just as bad but legal) that she's out of it. She is doing good as far as helping me but had a two minute scary moment when she took a nap...
My cousin is basically an acquaintance that I won't ask anything of for this, and my friend is also in the same category.
I found my dads body at 11 and now I'm going to find my moms.
I will always try to figure out why her. I mean she didn't drink out of plastic bottles, wasn't obese, didn't eat that badly, took basic Centrum vitamin, didn't smoke, no medications. No anything. A kind caring soul who kept the lives of her kids and their kids whole.
A babysitter that all the kids liked.
A Sunday school teacher.
Just how. Why.
I know there is no answer. It's life.
But it breaks my heart.
So I'll just drift away and disappear for a while
The lights are on but no one's home
[media=https://youtu.be/RMhSPROjcqc]
Uncommon, rare, aggressive.
That was in January.
She was always the "walk it off" type. The "don't go to the doctor until something is very wrong" type.
It worked for so long, it worked for 68 years.
She never went to the doctor. Never took any medications. Only in 2023 did she start taking a heartburn pill almost daily.
The heartburn was so bad, she actually went to a doctor. A shock. They prescribed some over the counter heartburn medications.
They didn't work.
So they did a CT scan.
Found the uterine cancer and 7 nodules on her lungs. Biopsied the uterine cancer and found out the type.
Now 4/26/24.......
There is nothing left for the doctors to do. She is home with me now.
Hospice brought us a bed and supplies and medications.
It hit me today that, as far as her spirit and self.....she died weeks ago.
The lights are on,
But she is staring at something in the distance that I can't see.
She hears me and knows me and answers me.
Her eyes don't see me any more.
I broke down at work today, finally realizing that she truly left weeks ago. I'd never be able to have her look at me again and tell me she loves me. She would never see me again and vice versa.
I suddenly felt so alone. And no, not in that "I don't have friends or family".
I have a friend. I have cousins. My sister.
But my mom was the only one I ever cried to. The only one I was ever vulnerable with. The only one I felt comfortable with. She was a best friend and mom all in one. I told her everything. She made me feel seen, heard, and not alone.
She is my tether to life.
My help, my sister, takes so much suboxone (medication for former heroin addicts that is just as bad but legal) that she's out of it. She is doing good as far as helping me but had a two minute scary moment when she took a nap...
My cousin is basically an acquaintance that I won't ask anything of for this, and my friend is also in the same category.
I found my dads body at 11 and now I'm going to find my moms.
I will always try to figure out why her. I mean she didn't drink out of plastic bottles, wasn't obese, didn't eat that badly, took basic Centrum vitamin, didn't smoke, no medications. No anything. A kind caring soul who kept the lives of her kids and their kids whole.
A babysitter that all the kids liked.
A Sunday school teacher.
Just how. Why.
I know there is no answer. It's life.
But it breaks my heart.
So I'll just drift away and disappear for a while
The lights are on but no one's home
[media=https://youtu.be/RMhSPROjcqc]
31-35, F
