I Am a Cancer Survivor

I'm a surviver from cancer, now a little over two years since I got put into remission, although its a bit hard to exactly say when the Drs considered my remission started; I had an interum PET scan, just a couple months into starthing chemotherapy, and that came back with 'complete metabolic remission', - although at that point I went on to have a further two months or so chemotherapy, followed by a months radiotherapy every day.
yesterday was my 6 monthly check up with my oncologist. I'd been on 3 monthly checkups a while, and this was my first 6 monthly checkup. The Drs did the useual blood test, weighing me, etc, and then a consultant I'd seen several times before saw me.
And immediately saw the transfomration in me; I've lost most of the weight I gained during chemo, and thanks to the gym, entirely changed my body shape, I'm more confedent again, more cognatively back to the land of the living, and dont' look anything remotely anymore like someone who should be in a hospital, let alone in the oncology dept.
He and the rest of the oncology team, is happy enough with my progress, and continued no signs of any cancer, to move me from 6 monthly to once yearly checkups, with the proviso if I have any concerns I contact them immediately, and get an appointment in a couple of days.
Although, as he said, they can't use the 'cured' word, ntil 5 years post entering remission, that is what they strongly expect I'm in now.
I've oddly never been worried about the cancer's return, yet, on that news, I was so near to tears.
I'm not sure if it was tears of delight, or relief, or, actually as I expect, more from 'survivers guilt' - 'why do I get to survive, and be in remission, or, even, cured', - both my older Brother and Mother, died from cancer, not to mention other relatives, like aunties, uncles, and an ex-long-term partner who died only a few months before I god diagnosed myself in 2015.
I didn't cry of course. Cancer is good for being the 'disease that keeps on giving' - my tear glands were distroyed by the chemotherapy so I can't cry anymore, or produce any lubrication/tears for my eyes, hence I have to use eyedrops constantly, all day every day.
I think partly that is why I feel so emotionless, now, about everything, including the news when first I was told I was in remission, I just seem empty and void of emotions anymore, in so many respects. I'm not sure I survived cancer at all; the person who I was died, I'm fairly sure, a few months into treatment, and I still remain faily unclear, as to who I am; who this person who came through the other side actually is; life often just seems like its 'going through the motion' of living, a paridy of the person who I was once.
Which must sound really bluddy ungrateful, I am alive of course, and do enjoy things, but, nothing is the same, reality just seems untangible now, always slightly out of reach, always just one step away from where I am. - Maybe still some affects of the chemo, I know it can greatly affect the mind, even many years post treatment, let alone just two or three years.
Hugs and wishes to anyone else, affected in whatever way, by this terrible disease. sorry to end with a slight downward tone, there, but, I dont' think for anyone touched by the disease, its ever 'back to normal', post treatment and disease. It just isn't like other diseases in that way, and its always there, waiting to reemerge, whether we like it orr not, and no matter how far from treatment, and far into remission we are. Plus having had it once, of one type, doesn't by any means mean we won't get a second, or third, entirely unrelated; indeed, chemotherapy and radiotherapy vastly increases our risk of other cancers, often decades in the future.... - sorry to sound so negative again, I'm not, really, just realistic.
And so glad, (for now at least), to not have cancer, and, evenmoreso, not to be actively being treated for it. The treatments suck. so bad.