Most days I don't feel loved. Even when I have some precious people telling me I am.
I just find it so hard to trust them. Like they're lying to me and just tolerating me because they don't want to deal with my tantrums.
So I obsess over it, asking over and over again if I'm not tiresome, if I'm not annoying, having ugly meltdowns then apologizing for them.....It makes me hate myself. Especially the meltdown part. The sudden anxiety of not being loved squeezes my chest till I can't breathe, I'm obsessively asking my siblings and my friend and everyone on the internet if they're sure I'm loved. Are you tired of me? Aren't I too dysfunctional? Aren't I too clingy? Do I suffocate you with my all my questions and my clinginess? Obviously I want them to reassure me. If they don't, my old impulses of self destruction come into action. And I'm extremely afraid of my self harm tendencies. I don't want to die even if in the moment I have to physically stop myself from it.
I have a deeply problematic mind and I'm extremely ashamed of it.
So I obsess over it, asking over and over again if I'm not tiresome, if I'm not annoying, having ugly meltdowns then apologizing for them.....It makes me hate myself. Especially the meltdown part. The sudden anxiety of not being loved squeezes my chest till I can't breathe, I'm obsessively asking my siblings and my friend and everyone on the internet if they're sure I'm loved. Are you tired of me? Aren't I too dysfunctional? Aren't I too clingy? Do I suffocate you with my all my questions and my clinginess? Obviously I want them to reassure me. If they don't, my old impulses of self destruction come into action. And I'm extremely afraid of my self harm tendencies. I don't want to die even if in the moment I have to physically stop myself from it.
I have a deeply problematic mind and I'm extremely ashamed of it.
26-30, F