I dreamt of you

@Quark That's actually what I'm tryin' to figure out. My heavy introspection lately has made it clear how I've made the mistake of idealizing women in my past before and I don't want to make the same mistake.
Hence why I find writing things out like this to be a good exercise in exorcising those fantasies, thoughts and desires. If I keep it up and continue trying to figure things out I might at some point be able separate the fantasy from reality and figure out what's really underneath.
To be fair, while I haven't seen her in a year, we do talk regularly still. And I'm figuring out how to change.
I do believe I have genuine feelings for her. I'm just not sure that they're being felt or seen clearly and obsessively pining won't do any favor but exorcising the bad from the good will.

I also realize that someone seeing this written about them would probably be terrified and concerned and run away.
But the more I do it the more I think I can get closer to the truth.

@zeframcochrane It's good you have that insight about idealizing women. Keep in mind though, that building elaborate fantasies like this are likely to reinforce your feelings. When you see her next, are you even going to see the real her or the fantasies that you have build in your head over all this time?

I find it useful to balance fantasy with reality, so lets look at some:
This woman is significantly older than you. Does she have kids? It's gonna be weird if you're closer to their age than hers.
Speaking of children, as a mature woman she is going to want someone of the same maturity. Someone with actual life experience that you can only get my having lived those years. Someone with the emotional maturity to be an equal partner. The relationship your describing with her sounds like a mix of mommy and lover. Why would she want a partner that she has to mother? She might be nurturing, but she probably doesn't want to have to be parenting you full time. What do you have to give her? Sounds like a pretty one sided relationship with her supporting your growth and getting......what in return? You said she's married, is her husband someone who "needs" her like this, or someone who offers her strength when she has needs? Because no matter how angelic you paint her to be, she's a human being who needs to be looked after sometimes too.

@Quark She does not have kids, kids will never happen.
You are perhaps right about the life experience. At the same time I find myself getting along far better with women 15-20 years my senior especially if they're younger than they are in many ways too, which might not make sense but there are women in their 40s out there who are still in their 20s or connect well with their 20-year-old mentality.

The emotional maturity and one-sided thing supporting my growth? Well, maybe you're on-point with that one. I don't think I'll ever be able to separate the fact that I want a "mommy and a lover" at the same time in one. Frankly I don't think the nurturer and lover are mutually exclusive.
At the same time, what do I have to offer? Love, affection, some amounts of direction and stability that I've been finding in my life lately and have more and more of every day, strength, warmth, nurturing. I like to think I'm just as much of a nurturer and warm loving individual as the person I seek to be that to me. And everything that I've required in terms of growth and strength and development and nurturing and strength is something that I've held onto and planted to cultivate of my own lately and I'd like to think I'd be able to return it.
One can be both: Nurturer and lover. Just like one can be both: Boy and man. It doesn't have to be a Sophie's Choice. it doesn't have to be one or the other, a black and white cut and dry scenario.

One thing I'm scared of 5 things:
1: When I finally end up with Mrs. Right she won't see the real me. The boy I used to be and still am and might always be. That really nice, smart, special kid who was years ahead as a boy but now...what? He's just another man. No one will see him and even if she did she wouldn't have liked him like everyone else...except me.
2: I'll never be special to anyone or important. I'll never matter to someone like I want to. Be their world and their rock and stability. Her innocent and loving angel, her sweet boy, the light that shines next to her. I will NEVER feel like I really matter to anyone and like I'm actually loved.
3: Even if I do find that person, she's missed so much of my life. She's missed the hardest moments in my life where I was SO alone and scared and in pain without her or anyone there for me and I was just a boy. Where was she when I needed her most? How could I ever trust she loves me? Especially when she'd be loving me when I'm at my best and past the worst moments? Where was she when I needed her?
4: No matter what I'll never be enough. Some of my greatest strengths and the things I love most about me, like the waiting for the right woman I care about and vice versa and having a purity/promise ring to give her so she can know how strong my romantic feelings are and how strong my sense of loyalty and integrity is and how devoted I am right to my body and soul, they've been seen as my worst weaknesses by women. Let's be real I'm terrified of being touched, especially by a girl I like and I'm scared of being that open with anyone. How can I ever be enough?
5: I'll end up all alone. My best youngest years behind me spent all alone waiting for someone who'll never come. I'm scared of ending up alone.

I have elaborate and wild fantasies about the woman I have a crush on who changed my life...and I do feed them occasionally. But I also recognize the absurdity and impossibility and regularly exorcise them from my mind. Regularly work towards breaking the idealization.
I think I can at least try to see the real her. Like I once did. God knows I never deserved to have someone stick around and show me a path forward, but someone saw something.
I owe it to myself and others to figure it out.