When you meet someone in person & they’re attracted to you, do you think that they are attracted to your looks, personality, or both?

@VirginMatchmaker Stop that!!! 😡

There's no need to be so hard on yourself.

@HootyTheNightOwl I'm my own worst critic. I think all of those things even if I've had a fair few relationships.

@HootyTheNightOwl Agree

@VirginMatchmaker Exactly... you're hardly struggling for female attention... so, your way of thinking must need adjustment...

@HootyTheNightOwl You'd be surprised, every girl I've ever been out with I end up in some sort of relationship with. So I struggle more than you'd think. The older I get the harder it will be and I'm about to start a fresh.

@VirginMatchmaker There's still a girl out there for you, though... you've proven that with your history.

Age is nothing these days.

@HootyTheNightOwl Age is nothing when you're fit and healthy. That unfortunately is something I'm not anymore. I also have tons of baggage.

@VirginMatchmaker Lol, you're a stubborn bugger, I'll give you that much!!!

Your baggage and ill health are workable, too. I never thought that I would find anyone when I was at my worst. Admittedly, I've improved slightly since then in some ways... but it's still hard to think that there are people out there who will accept that you pay for one day out with 3 or 4 of pain and exhaustion - but, they are out there.

@HootyTheNightOwl Why am I stubborn lol.

Yeah there are people out there who won't care about the ill health and baggage, but they're few and far between. But tbh my idea atm is to take a break from relationships and get myself in a better place mentally and physically.

Hopefully then I'll be seen more at my best and I'll finally attract the right person for me lol.

@VirginMatchmaker You don't need me to tell you why you are stubborn!!! 🤣

I'm glad that you are thinking about taking a break from relationships for a while to focus on you and your son, though... I think that would be good for you and him as well.

Your current relationship will have done a number on you both and the last thing you need is additional trauma on top of what you've already been through.

It would also be worth you educating yourself on relationship red flags and abuse warning signs, too. Even if you never need them for yourself again (hopefully, you won't), you'll still be able to see the signs in other relationships and maybe step in with some advice. There's no harm in gathering some knowledge around you.

@HootyTheNightOwl I can be stubborn sometimes admittedly lol.

Taking a break from them makes sense to me. I want to have fun times with my son and have the life we both want. That's now more important than a relationship that's wrong.

My current relationship has shown me what I should've done before I jumped into it. I won't be making the sane mistake twice.

In future I'll certainly be more careful and I'm already aware what the red flags are. I'll certainly be more picky in the future.

@VirginMatchmaker Yes, fun and making memories with him is what's important now. Who knows, you may meet someone you like and who likes you without even looking (it happened to me - I had given up hope of finding a man after my former dom abandoned me). Redirecting your attention to him is a good thing, though and you'll get to enjoy just being a dad more, too.

I guess that being in the situation that I'm in has made me more paranoid of making the same mistake again, too. I'm having to do a lot of work on myself because I know just how much the isolation has affected me... I don't think I'll ever fully integrate into society again. Just the thought of working fills me with anxiety - from finding a job and getting to work through to doing the job and getting home again.

I don't want to make the same mistake again, and I don't want anyone I know ending up in a situation like mine.

@HootyTheNightOwl I'm looking forward to making memories with him. Bonding with him more will be fun because I intend us to have a great life. If someone special turns up at some point then that person will have to fit in with our lives and not the other way around.

I know you have massive anxieties about working and with your issues I'm not surprised. I'd feel the sane way too if I was you. Maybe you will integrate with society at some point but just not right now.

No absolutely.

@VirginMatchmaker A lot of the time, all I want is acknowledgement of my concerns around work and working - I've only ever asked for things that could be catered for... like work experience of a job that I might stand a chance of doing.

Who's going to do this for me when I am hyper aware of people passing behind me to the point where it makes me anxious and jumpy???

@HootyTheNightOwl I wish people would give you what you needed. It seems like you have to jump through hoops constantly and that must be frustrating. Have you ever looked at talking to a careers advisor? I once did a questionnaire online that suggested what I should do. May look at do that and hopefully you'll figure out what you can do?

I honestly don't know. Have you seen a psychologist about your anxieties?

@VirginMatchmaker *Chuckles* I was supposed to be talking with a "Careers advisor" in 2019/20. I actually felt like he was just as bad as my work coach - he was more interested in putting words in some boxes on a screen than actually helping me. The thing is that I knew, if he'd put anything in said boxes, he was going to put me on the job search arm of the programme and oblige me to go into the city a couple more times a week just to look for work on their Internet.

I don't need to be paying £15 extra a week, on top of the £15 a fortnight I was already having to find to get to their office for something I could easily do at home or in my local job centre and save myself £3 travel expenses with - not to mention food and the energy and pain I went through as a result of the attendance at the office.

The connexions office would most likely be the only place I'd have felt safe in asking for help, to be fair... that was the only place where I felt that I had some choice - but they abolished that.

Lol, they signed me up to see a psychologist... I got one appointment with him - then he left and he was never replaced before the pandemic hit. That was probably for the best, though. He and I were starting to get a little too close to maintain a professional relationship... even though he's not what I would look for in a man or a long term relationship.

I spent half a year telling myself that I was imagining the flirting and checking each other out... Geeze - at one point, he was even recommending a park, that he used, where I could go and sit for lunch.

He did me a favour when he left... even though he was one of the few "safe people" in the office.

I'm not keen on going through psychiatric care with the NHS, though... the less that is on my medical records, the less social services have to chase me about in the event that I ever become a mother of living children. That's what he recommended for me when he left and I spent months trying to run my work coach around on.

@HootyTheNightOwl funnily enough I saw a career advisor and all he wanted was to get me working without thinking about what I could do. I saw one though that wasn't at a job centre and their program was top class.

Yeah I know what you mean.

Yeah that's shit it was abolished.

Oh wow yeah it should be kept professional. It's probably a good thing he left but you could do with seeing another one tbh.

Seems like he was crossing the professional line. Doesn't sound like he hid the flirting. Were you interested?

I can understand you're perspective. Once it's on your records it's on your records. Social services are a nightmare too.

@VirginMatchmaker That's been my biggest problem. I'm like:-

"I want to work, but I need you to help me to find something I can do".

Their response:-

"You can do anything you want, just pick something". Yeah, that's not how life works.

No, I wasn't interested in him as anything other than someone to flirt with. I was owned at the time (my former Sire knew about it and encouraged me to continue with it because it was helping with my confidence). I wouldn't have left my former Sire for him. That's not me... I am a one man girl - once I bond with a guy, it's difficult for me to dethatch from him.

The same is true with my man now. I may talk with other guys and laugh and joke with them... but I'm unable to see them as more than friends - even if I thought that there could be the potential for more than friendship. I still belong to my man at the end of the day, and it's always him that I will return to.

I gave up with that after I was abandoned because it's not something that's a good fit for my man and I now.

Even if I were interested in him, he was a practicing Muslim - and I knew that would have caused issues in my racist family (they can't handle the fact that I am Catholic and I had to lapse) and that I knew he'd have had to use the darker side of his degree to get out of. It wasn't fair to even contemplate anything more than a bit of fun between two people. It had to end there... but I was getting hooked on the heady feeling of a flirting session. I'm guessing that he did it because he knew that he was changing anyway and decided to have a bit of fun before he left.

He's not the only one I've been involved with with a psych degree, so I know well about the darker side of the degree and learned a few tricks from. Now, I prefer to have no involvement with people who hold psychology degrees, given how much a dom hiding a psych minor degree screwed me up.

@HootyTheNightOwl For them to turn around and just say pick something is utterly ridiculous. Surely they can see your problems and have to take them into account.

Being a one man girl is the best way to be. It's interesting he was flirty with you, but at least he's not there to screw you up.

Religion gets in the way of alot of things. I wish there wasn't any religion as then there'd be fewer wars in this world.