Looking for a boyfriend for my momma

About her: tiny, you can pick her up easily
Very clumsy, you will be helping her with injuries
Loves rocks so always carry some on you
Talks to inanimate objects a lot so make friends with your lamp
Says very awkward things often so be able to control laughter
Loves her woodchipper

You:
Must be comfortable cleaning up dead body parts.
Must be good at creating alibis and lying to police.
Should also love nature and be able to prevent her from hugging things inappropriately.