"Robert the Bruce Almighty" (Featuring zero historical accuracy and 100% divine nonsense)
After suffering a string of early defeats, some at the hands of the English, others from squabbling Scots who weren’t quite ready for a king with a functional sword, Robert the Bruce retreats into exile. While hiding in a cold, damp cave, he befriends a determined wee spider whose relentless web spinning inspires him to keep fighting. The two become close allies, sharing stories, motivational glances, and the occasional midge snack.
One night, shouting into the Highland fog in a moment of despair, Bruce declares,
“What’s the point of being in power if ye’ve got nae actual powers?! I’d unite this land faster than ye can say Bannockburn, if the gods would gie me half a chance!”
Big mistake. Somewhere in the clouds, a grumpy Scottish sounding God hears the rant and mutters:
“Aye? Have at it then, ya moany bawbag.”
Suddenly, Bruce wakes up with godlike powers and absolutely zero training on how to use them. Chaos ensues. He enchants enemy armour to itch uncontrollably, causing waves of English soldiers to abandon formation mid scratch. He parts the Firth of Forth like it’s a warm bowl of broth, creating a dry path that allows the Scots to march south and launch a surprise attack, barefoot, bold, and slightly confused by the lack of puddles. Most notably, he enlarges his eight legged cave companion to the size of a horse and rides her into battle, cloak billowing, spider legs skittering, and the English too stunned to scream.
The starstudded Scottish cast includes,
Gerard Butler as Robert the Bruce, gravel voiced, battle worn, and shirtless far more than historically necessary.
Billy Connolly as The Voice of God, appearing only in clouds and echoes, dispensing divine power with no advice.
Karen Gillan as Arachne Bruce’s spider steed, dry witted, eight legged, and surprisingly well read.
Charles Dance as Edward Longshanks, cold, calculating, and increasingly exasperated by divine intervention and itchy armour.
Early reviews are in from the world's leading film critics,
★★★★★ “Thought it was a documentary. Stayed for the spider. Left confused but patriotic.” ★★★★★ “Gave me chills and an unexplained rash. 10/10.” ★★★★★ “The only film where I cried, laughed, and phoned my ex all within the same scene.” ★★★★★ “Didn’t understand any of it, but my gran says she fought in Bannockburn so I feel connected.”
Coming soon to cinemas nationwide. An epic tale of destiny, defiance, and divine intervention, where history meets hilarity, and one man discovers that true power doesn’t come from the throne... but from eight very loyal legs.
Robert the Bruce Almighty This summer, the battle for Scotland gets biblical.
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