The bible: summarized
I've started reading the bible (the one I have is the catholic version), more out of curiosity than anything. I have to say I was pretty shocked by what I read. Now I haven't gotten to the new testament yet but the old testament is pretty wild so far. I thought I'd summarize it for people who were curious but didn't feel like reading the bible. Also there are a lot of questions I have so maybe someone on here will be able to explain things to me? Thanks! Ok here goes the first part, "The Primeval History". I'll go chapter by chapter.
Chapter 1
>God makes everything in existence
>Puts humans in charge of everything on earth
Chapter 2
>God was tired from making everything so he decides to chill finally
>God makes the garden of Eden for the people to live in and randomly puts a magical tree in it that the people are never allowed to eat from even tho he put it in the actual garden he made for them instead of literally anywhere else on earth.
Chapter 3
>Snake is confused and asks Eve why they aren't allowed to eat from all the trees in the garden God made for them to live in
>Eve is like "it's not a big deal it's just one tree and if we eat from it God told us we'll die so"
>Snake says "fake news the tree makes you smarter"
>Eve is like "oh bet" and goes and eats the fruit from the magic tree. +1 wisdom & knowledge of good and evil. Shares it w adam bc why not.
>God comes to the garden to visit but Adam and Eve are smart enough to know they're nakey now and feel embarassed to show God their giblets so they put clothes on
>God is like how do you know you're naked huh
>Eve snitches
>God is pissed at everyone. Curses snake to be enemy of mankind and have no legs, curses all women to have painful childbirth, curses all men to have to work like dogs all their life
>Eventually God's like "oh me what if they discover the other *secret* magical tree I also put in their garden that makes you immortal? Then they'll be smart and live forever yikes" and then kicks them out of Eden forever so that doesn't happen
Chapter 4
>Adam and Eve had 2 sons, one grows up to be farmer, other grows up to be rancher (Cain & Abel)
>Cain sacrifices his crops to God as a present and Abel sacrifices his animals to God as a present
>God wants them to know he is NOT a vegetarian and in fact appreciates meat more than veggies
>Cain feels salty about it so he kills his brother
>God is like where is your brother and Cain is like 🤷♂️
>God knows he's lying tho and curses him to wander the earth forever
>Cain's like but what if someone kills me and God is like if anyone kills you I'll kill them back harder (but you're still banished)
>The rest of it just lists a bunch of lineages (this person begot this person who lived to 388373 years old and then had this person who lived to etc)
Chapter 5
>So much lineage and also everyone lived to 900+ years back then apparently
Chapter 6
>Angels thought human women were hot and knocks them up with half angel half human babies that grow up to become famous heroes
>God decides 900 something years is waaay too long for humans to live and cuts it down to 120 years
>God decides humans are actually just gross in general and everything he made is just gross too. He decides to hit the reset button and flood everything. But he liked this one guy Noah so he said he and his family could live if they made a big boat and put a bunch of animals in it.
Chapter 7
>Talks about rules for the animals brought on the ark, the "unclean"(?) animals only got to be kept in pairs but the "clean" animals he got to keep 7 pairs of.
Chapter 8
>Even tho God limited human lifespan to 120 years Noah is 600 because I guess God likes him
>Flood happens and entire earth is underwater and everything not in the ark (except fish I guess?) dies
>Everything is underwater for months until God is like "oh snap I forgot about Noah" and makes the water start to go away
>Noah keeps sending out birds to try to find land
>Eventually there's land and Noah & fam come out of the ark and slaughter a bunch of animals for God
>God thinks the BBQ smells good and decides because of this he will never flood everything in existence ever again
Chapter 9
>God tells Noah and his family to have a lot of babies
>God makes rainbows to remind himself not to murder everything again
>Noah gets blackout drunk and falls asleep naked
>His youngest son is like "haha look at dad silly goof"
>His bros were like not cool man and cover Noah up
>Noah wakes up and is salty his son laughed at him so he curses him and his entire line of descendants to be slaves to his brothers forever
Chapter 10
>Lineages......
Ok that is all for now as this post is getting quite long!
Chapter 1
>God makes everything in existence
>Puts humans in charge of everything on earth
Chapter 2
>God was tired from making everything so he decides to chill finally
>God makes the garden of Eden for the people to live in and randomly puts a magical tree in it that the people are never allowed to eat from even tho he put it in the actual garden he made for them instead of literally anywhere else on earth.
Chapter 3
>Snake is confused and asks Eve why they aren't allowed to eat from all the trees in the garden God made for them to live in
>Eve is like "it's not a big deal it's just one tree and if we eat from it God told us we'll die so"
>Snake says "fake news the tree makes you smarter"
>Eve is like "oh bet" and goes and eats the fruit from the magic tree. +1 wisdom & knowledge of good and evil. Shares it w adam bc why not.
>God comes to the garden to visit but Adam and Eve are smart enough to know they're nakey now and feel embarassed to show God their giblets so they put clothes on
>God is like how do you know you're naked huh
>Eve snitches
>God is pissed at everyone. Curses snake to be enemy of mankind and have no legs, curses all women to have painful childbirth, curses all men to have to work like dogs all their life
>Eventually God's like "oh me what if they discover the other *secret* magical tree I also put in their garden that makes you immortal? Then they'll be smart and live forever yikes" and then kicks them out of Eden forever so that doesn't happen
Chapter 4
>Adam and Eve had 2 sons, one grows up to be farmer, other grows up to be rancher (Cain & Abel)
>Cain sacrifices his crops to God as a present and Abel sacrifices his animals to God as a present
>God wants them to know he is NOT a vegetarian and in fact appreciates meat more than veggies
>Cain feels salty about it so he kills his brother
>God is like where is your brother and Cain is like 🤷♂️
>God knows he's lying tho and curses him to wander the earth forever
>Cain's like but what if someone kills me and God is like if anyone kills you I'll kill them back harder (but you're still banished)
>The rest of it just lists a bunch of lineages (this person begot this person who lived to 388373 years old and then had this person who lived to etc)
Chapter 5
>So much lineage and also everyone lived to 900+ years back then apparently
Chapter 6
>Angels thought human women were hot and knocks them up with half angel half human babies that grow up to become famous heroes
>God decides 900 something years is waaay too long for humans to live and cuts it down to 120 years
>God decides humans are actually just gross in general and everything he made is just gross too. He decides to hit the reset button and flood everything. But he liked this one guy Noah so he said he and his family could live if they made a big boat and put a bunch of animals in it.
Chapter 7
>Talks about rules for the animals brought on the ark, the "unclean"(?) animals only got to be kept in pairs but the "clean" animals he got to keep 7 pairs of.
Chapter 8
>Even tho God limited human lifespan to 120 years Noah is 600 because I guess God likes him
>Flood happens and entire earth is underwater and everything not in the ark (except fish I guess?) dies
>Everything is underwater for months until God is like "oh snap I forgot about Noah" and makes the water start to go away
>Noah keeps sending out birds to try to find land
>Eventually there's land and Noah & fam come out of the ark and slaughter a bunch of animals for God
>God thinks the BBQ smells good and decides because of this he will never flood everything in existence ever again
Chapter 9
>God tells Noah and his family to have a lot of babies
>God makes rainbows to remind himself not to murder everything again
>Noah gets blackout drunk and falls asleep naked
>His youngest son is like "haha look at dad silly goof"
>His bros were like not cool man and cover Noah up
>Noah wakes up and is salty his son laughed at him so he curses him and his entire line of descendants to be slaves to his brothers forever
Chapter 10
>Lineages......
Ok that is all for now as this post is getting quite long!