God must hate me.

I am so confused, sad and mad. I have endured a life of suffering, grew up in non Christian , domestic violence and addiction household. I was abused a child, kicked out for the first time at 14 and every year since, I was bullied at school so there was no escape. Trauma has eaten me alive from the inside out. I grew up searching for love and the meaning of life which landed me in awful places. I was sexually assaulted at 10, 15, and twice at 18. I gave my life to Jesus at 20 in 2020 and haven’t stopped suffering. I am now 22, I have had “unexplainable” health problems my whole life and they have only gotten worse. I thought the mental health was the worst but my physical illness will be the death of me. I have had lumps in my throat and armpit for years, but doctors say it’s nothing. I have hardly eaten in years I am wasting away. I still believe Jesus is the Son of God who died for the world. That belief makes this more painful because I believe in his power to heal but he won’t help me. I’ve given up everything, I pray, I give when I have nothing, I follow the commandments, but I know good works don’t do anything we are just supposed to do them anyway. I have kept my faith in him alone everyday, I have done everything he commanded. I have prayed for conviction and guidance if I’m doing anything displeasing to him and nothing happens. I still love Jesus and would continue to suffer but my body is failing me, I can hardly breathe. All I’ve had is faith and it was not enough. I don’t want to die but I cannot suffer anymore. This was the last day, I prayed last night knowing I was getting close to this point. God deemed me unworthy of his promises and I don’t know why. I hope he takes me quickly otherwise I’m afraid I will be so overcome with the pain that I do it myself. I don’t want to die, I wanted to live but every second has grown torturous as I struggle to breathe. I hope all my pain and suffering has made God happy as least then it wasn’t for nothing.