Dissatisfied with myself

@Dust057 how do I make the kids aware of what they can and can’t get away with when with me?

@Fifidog in my work, we establish consistent consequences for actions. This is especially important for developing kids, because it gives them a system they can trust and rely on. There are various types of consequences but they basically break down into positive/negative and reward/punishment. Positive meaning adding or giving, negative means removing or taking away. Reward is something pleasant/preferred, and punishment is something unpleasant/undesired.

Tokens are a great reward. When I was a child, my mother made a reward “star chart” for me. She asked me to make a list of things I enjoyed or wanted, from an ice cream trip to these really cool Garfield sheets I wanted. Each item or event got a star value, e.g. 50 stars for an ice cream trip, 200 stars for Garfield sheets. I earned star stickers for positive behaviors. I decided when I wanted to “spend” the stars I earned. Teaches delayed gratification and opportunity cost as well.

Examples:
Positive reward: You earned praise/attention/recognition/token/benefit.

Negative (removal of) reward: Every day class is focused/no disruptions, we get 10 minutes of a quick game that everyone enjoys. But today it was disruptive, so we don’t have time for the game.

Positive punishment: You have been disruptive today, so you will need to stay for 5 minutes at lunch and discuss with me. (And also provide an opportunity for communication. It could be increased to 10 minutes if needed, or for repeat offenses).

Negative punishment: Nathan reached 100 stars today, and has decided to generously use them to benefit the whole class with no homework for the evening. The homework may still be completed for extra credit and a star token. (This example also rewards Nathan with positive reward of praise and recognition).

It’s important that “punishments” are not damaging or cruel, but should also have a goal of obtaining a beneficial result.

The critical key though is consistency. You cannot expect them to behave if your rewards and punishments are random or if desired/undesired behavior doesn’t always get the same result.

It requires a LOT of patience and focus. Kids (and people) are really clever, and figure out effective tools to get their needs met. If they have an effective tool (even an undesirable one), it will take a lot to get them to give it up. Take a temper tantrum for example. It’s a good tool, because no one enjoys a screaming person, so they often do whatever is needed to get it to stop. But that reinforces the behavior. It is better to extinguish the behavior by understanding the goal of the tantrum thrower and show them that the tool (tantrum) will NOT get them what they want. If the behavior has been reinforced though, they won’t just stop immediately. They will try over and over, and even increase the behavior (try harder).

Example: if you have a tv remote that every time you push the button, the tv turns on, what do you do if you push the button and the tv doesn’t turn on? Do you throw the tool (remote) away? Nope. You push the button over and over. You press it harder. You maybe bang the remote around a little and press the button some more. Now imagine you do this and the tv turns on. You’ve just reinforced that the button WILL work if yon press it enough times or hard enough. That’s what we do if we eventually yield to a tantrum or other undesirable behavior.

You can also apply this to adults. The “Karen” in the grocery store is acting that way because their behavior is a tool that has yielded them beneficial results in the past (people yielding and placating).

@Dust057 that’s a really good idea! Thanks for explaining that to me! So should it be the same reward or consequence each time or is it the kind of thing like the time should fit the crime?

@Dust057 how would “Karen” see that as positive? Is it that she doesn’t want people bothering her? Could people apply this to someone who is narcissistic?

@Dust057 that’s so beneficial to know. So what should someone do in that case of the temper tantrum? Ignore the behavior? Talk it out? Punish?

@Fifidog the goal of a temper tantrum is typically to avoid a task. So an appropriate response would be to ensure the subject does not avoid the task, and/or is given some better tools to work with (such as negotiation). One thing we can do as the administrators is to offer options, which gives the subject more control: "You can choose which vegetable you want with dinner, broccoli or spinach.", "choose one chapter from the book to write 100 words about".

All your answers are right .We want to do some ignoring ("extinguishing") to show the behavior is not going to have the intended effect of upsetting us into doing what the subject wants. Talk it out to help us and the subject discover what the underlying desires are and to reach a mutually beneficial solution. The positive/negative punishment/reward system comes into play here as well. We can add or remove rewards, and add or remove punishments in response to the subject's behavior (throwing a tantrum, or controlling themselves, or using a healthy alternative tool to a tantrum).

You can also have an age-appropriate discussion about the behavior with the subject. Establishing what the consequences are for future tantrums, and giving alternative tools. We have a thing called "unconditional positive regard", that is to say to assume we are always working with a "good" subject, who wants to get along, be kind and happy. Having a tantrum is not a fun activity, most people would rather have better tools to get what they want. Acknowledging and validating their desires is important, and helping them get what they want. For example, it could be something as basic as avoiding homework. This is a valid desire, humans like to relax. So in this case, we set up a reward of relaxation time but still keep the task. As a teacher, you are in a wonderful position to help young people establish healthy habits for their adulthood. In this case, delayed gratification and sticking to a task, but also balancing that with self-care.

@Fifidog for example, "Karen" might get a free meal or discount at a restaurant as a reward for her public outrage. Or it could be a satisfaction or sense of power exhorted over someone who has upset her, in the case of calling out a manager who apologizes publicly to her.
as for narcissists, I don't really know. I tend to "grey rock" them. https://www.healthline.com/health/grey-rock

It could be consistent, or somewhat flexible. Just off the top of my head I thought it might be a good practice to start a timer during a tantrum and the subject knows that for every minute of a tantrum, they will later need to spend a minute in time out. or there could be a formula, like every 10 seconds of tantrum is a minute of time out. The consequence should not be a surprise, though, it should be established ahead of time and the subject knows about it. For example if I had a subject who had a temper tantrum with me for the first time in a group setting, the next day I might approach the class with a discussion.

"So yesterday, we had a little incident where one of our group got upset and started screaming and throwing things. I understand we get upset sometimes. We might not like the task we have to do, or there are lots of things in life that can happen that are upsetting, like our favorite toy getting broken or our best friend gets mad at us. I'd like to talk about this with everyone, because screaming at others is not appropriate behavior, and will have consequences in the future. First, I'd like to go around the room and we can share our ideas about something that upsets us, and what we can do when we are feeling frustrated or upset. I'll start. Something that upsets me is when my students are unhappy, because I care about them and want them to have the best possible learning experience. Something I can do when my students are upset is ask them to calmly tell me what is bothering them so I can understand and help. Okay, who wants to go next?"

Have a group discussion/sharing, then after:

"Okay, so next I want to talk about consequences for disruptive behavior. I've decided that if someone in our group participates in disruptive behavior like screaming at others, they will be asked to go into time out for 2 minutes. If they can control themselves and do that, we can talk about what upset them after the 2 minutes. If they refuse to go into time out and cannot control themselves, then I will start a timer, and for every 15 seconds or portion thereof they cannot control themselves, they will get an additional minute of time out. Even 1 second of 15 seconds counts. So for example, 1-15 seconds means one minute extra, 16-30 seconds means 2 minutes extra, and so on. Okay, so who can tell me how many extra minutes of time out you would earn if you had a tantrum lasting 44 seconds? (give a couple more examples/math quizzes)."

I do want to add that I am not a teacher, well other than unofficial impromptu stuff, and some experience coaching snowboarders and martial artists. These are just some ideas off the top of my head and you would obviously adjust to your own style, what works and what doesn't, talk to other teachers, do research on others who have dealt with the same issues, work within the parameters of your school policies and procedures, &c, &c.

You are so helpful! Thank you! @Dust057

My pleasure 😇 @Fifidog I how you find satisfying work that fits your dreams.