I miss you
[media=https://youtu.be/n0HC3tihRiE]
I remember turning left at the burger joint on the corner. A gorgeous afternoon in late June.
It was an ascent up a canyon that leads over the mountains. A beautiful stream running alongside the road.
None of it mattered …
The streams that mattered were running down my cheeks …
The ascent up the mountain was a descent straight into hell. Miles and miles of descent into the fiery pits.
I was leaving her…
Pure mind over matter, because everything that mattered was behind me, with everything in me begging me to turn around.
It was the most difficult day of my entire lifetime.
Driving away from a woman that means everything to me. Debating my own cowardice.
But what do you do when the lives of so many are dependent on which direction your truck tires are headed.
Miles and miles, hour after hour, visiting with Satan in the front seat as I toured hell itself.
I did the unthinkable. I put the only heaven I will ever know in my rear view mirror and I drove away.
Everyday since I’ve struggled with the anger and bitterness I feel about that decision. That drive up that mountain …
It’s not what I wanted. Not what I wanted to do… no not at all. I felt like an emasculated coward. I would tear down the gates of hell with my bare hands for her, but I wasn’t. Instead I was running away with my tail between my legs. It took all I had not to puke.
Sickened by my own actions and growing sicker by the mile.
I do think I did what was right, but, it will forever be a decision that will haunt me and one I can never forgive myself for.
Most people aren’t fully aware of what their worst demons are, but I became intimately aware of mine as they sat there laughing on my shoulder as my whole world faded in the rear view mirror.
What a weak and pathetic excuse for a man.
Soon I hope to reflect more on the heaven that was found, I have great hope in that …
But for now I am still swallowed up in a hell that simply used to be my everyday life …
The problem with finding heaven is that you certainly know when you aren’t there…
My very own purgatory?
It may not be hell but it’s far short of heaven.
They say that the devil is in the details and that’s entirely true. I knew leaving was going to be bad, but it was grossly underestimated.
Turning my back to her was the most painful experience of my lifetime, but doing so without the advantage of being able to close my heart …well that’s a misery I would wish on no one.
I know that we are one and the same, but I am truly having to fight to reconcile myself with the man that did that.
Though she’ll never confess it, I know that deep down inside she see’s me a lesser man too. Yes, she will rationalize it all out …
But, the heart wants what it wants and this ain’t it!
I remember turning left at the burger joint on the corner. A gorgeous afternoon in late June.
It was an ascent up a canyon that leads over the mountains. A beautiful stream running alongside the road.
None of it mattered …
The streams that mattered were running down my cheeks …
The ascent up the mountain was a descent straight into hell. Miles and miles of descent into the fiery pits.
I was leaving her…
Pure mind over matter, because everything that mattered was behind me, with everything in me begging me to turn around.
It was the most difficult day of my entire lifetime.
Driving away from a woman that means everything to me. Debating my own cowardice.
But what do you do when the lives of so many are dependent on which direction your truck tires are headed.
Miles and miles, hour after hour, visiting with Satan in the front seat as I toured hell itself.
I did the unthinkable. I put the only heaven I will ever know in my rear view mirror and I drove away.
Everyday since I’ve struggled with the anger and bitterness I feel about that decision. That drive up that mountain …
It’s not what I wanted. Not what I wanted to do… no not at all. I felt like an emasculated coward. I would tear down the gates of hell with my bare hands for her, but I wasn’t. Instead I was running away with my tail between my legs. It took all I had not to puke.
Sickened by my own actions and growing sicker by the mile.
I do think I did what was right, but, it will forever be a decision that will haunt me and one I can never forgive myself for.
Most people aren’t fully aware of what their worst demons are, but I became intimately aware of mine as they sat there laughing on my shoulder as my whole world faded in the rear view mirror.
What a weak and pathetic excuse for a man.
Soon I hope to reflect more on the heaven that was found, I have great hope in that …
But for now I am still swallowed up in a hell that simply used to be my everyday life …
The problem with finding heaven is that you certainly know when you aren’t there…
My very own purgatory?
It may not be hell but it’s far short of heaven.
They say that the devil is in the details and that’s entirely true. I knew leaving was going to be bad, but it was grossly underestimated.
Turning my back to her was the most painful experience of my lifetime, but doing so without the advantage of being able to close my heart …well that’s a misery I would wish on no one.
I know that we are one and the same, but I am truly having to fight to reconcile myself with the man that did that.
Though she’ll never confess it, I know that deep down inside she see’s me a lesser man too. Yes, she will rationalize it all out …
But, the heart wants what it wants and this ain’t it!
