Fate vs chance?

What's even real....
I'm just sitting here crying like a child over spilt milk.
I remember my favorite bedtime story that I never quite understood as a child:
"has anyone seen harry lately?"
He would pretend to be other things.... Because he just couldn't bear being who he was... He wanted to distance himself from his reality so bad. I wonder what was going on in his life.
I wish I could pretend I'm a cloud or a dinosaur or a fish..... Something to soothe me. I do not want to think about whether this is all fate or chance. What if I just never played my cards right? But what if I always played my cards good enough but it never made any difference how well I performed? What if I'm just not meant to have the kind of bond others get to have? What if hope is just a lie? Maybe fate is just spilt milk that I'm ruminating on?
Can I please now go poof out of existence?... Has anyone seen buildingadoor lately?