I Am Getting So Fat

I keep gaining weight and it seems like there is no end in sight. I thought that being 350 pounds and being the fattest one in my family would be the end, but I keep getting bigger. I exercise when I can. I really do. But most days it's a struggle just to get out bed. I can't cook or put anything together, so I order out. And, the thing is, if I'm eating then I'm not thinking about things that scare me. I'm not thinking about how I know I kept three one-month prescriptions of various antidepressants that I can't take, plus I have the one that I'm on and that downing them would be as easy as one-two-three. Or how there's a really peaceful bridge down the road that I could just lean right over. If I'm focusing on putting one more bite in my mouth, I'm not focusing on those thoughts. So I eat. And I eat. And I keep getting fatter because no amount of exercise will counteract the fact that I ate four large pizzas yesterday (throughout the course of the whole day). I just want it to end. Everything. But it's better to be fat, even unbearably fat, then to die right now. Right?