I feel like my appearance determines how close I get to someone

Like when I have gained weight or I just feel extra ugly, it's very difficult for me to get close or intimate with my partner. 😔 I start to push them away without consciously realizing it.

One of my favorite shows is Mad Men, and there is a scene in which the main character is ending an affair with a woman because he has become engaged to another. The jilted woman replies, "I hope she knows that you only love the beginning of things."

I feel that about myself sometimes. I'm faithful and have never cheated on any partner, but what I mean is that the longer I am in a relationship, the more distanced I feel from my partner because to me, they already 'know too much' about my flaws, my shortcomings. I love when relationships are fresh and new because in my mind, they don't know how awful I am yet.

I think I'd like to find a good therapist here in AZ soon. 😞