Anyone else?

I'm 27 and i am mentally and physically drained. For 14 years, i have been living my life being in a closet. I am soo scared of coming out, i would rather end my life, society is judgemental, family is strict and they will disown me and i will have no where to go. My life has been full of sadness and depression. I've self harmed, tried to commit suicide twice.

I can't afford to open up to anyone, due to my mental health issues.

I have never forgotten the first girl from school i fell in love with, 14 years later i still love her even though we havent spoken in 10 years, she was just a friend and it was her touch that made me fall in love with her. My love for her was the purest thing ever, i felt so many emotions and feelings, it was beautiful.

If it was easy for me, i would love to be with a girl, be in love with a girl who would love me for me. But i know its impossible and this is something that will kill me every day of my life

I live my life how my family, friends and society would want me to live, i need to live up to their expectations. I'm pretending to be someone else, instead of being myself.

What kind of life is this, being in a closet, being scared, being depressed, being suicidal, all this just for being a lesbian.

I have a great social life, but whats the point in it when you can't open up to anyone about who you truly are.