Husband interested in men

Been married for 25yrs and 3yrs ago i found out that my husband has been having chats online with gay men and using a fake facebook account. At the time he begged me not to leave him and told me he was just doing it for fun so i gave him another chance. 3wks ago i again discovered that he was again on gay dating sites and also placed an add looking for men where he advertised him as being a bottom/versatile.He still dont want to admit that he is interested in men but cant give me a reason for why is doing this. Is my husband gay and living a lie.Please help me to figure this out

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Luckylu · 61-69, F

First, the two of you need to sit down and have a discussion, without egos, without judgement and with love. The question is, do you really love him? Do you really care for him? Do you want to save your marriage? Can you love him no matter what, he might tell you? Do you love him enough to want him to be happy and be fulfilled even if that means it isn’t with you? Or what if he has been hiding the desire to be with a man, but also wants and loves you?… which is what it sounds like, if he is begging you to not leave him. Only the two of you can decide where your relationship will go, but I’m here to tell you if you cannot set your ego aside so he can feel safe in telling you exactly how he feels, then it is a lost cause. He is most likely not telling you because he already feels judged by you. Set your ego and judgement aside and have a heart to heart talk. Find out what he is really thinking. What his desires are. Has he always felt this way and just suppressed it? Then what does he need from you to help him feel fulfilled? What are you willing to do for him? Only you and he can answer that. Coming here and looking for us to give you the answers… well.. as you can see you are receiving a LOT of JUDGEMENTAL responses from people who know nothing about you and your husband. Do you love him? Do you want to stay married to him? What are you willing to accept and do to make that happen? If you do love him, then tell him so, and tell him you won’t judge him (but only if you really won’t judge him). If I had someone being condescending and judgemental about who I am, I wouldn’t reveal my inner most thoughts to that person either, so consider your actions and how your actions might be making him close himself up and not tell you how he feels and what his desires are. Stop looking to us to give you the answers, because we sure as hell can’t. Sit down and talk with him with love in your heart and listen to him and stop being worried whether he is gay or bi or whatever. Open your heart and be with him and find out what he needs and then decide whether it is something you can live with or if it is something you can’t. This is the problem we have in this world of people judging and fitting people into a box where society thinks they should be. As long as he feels you are doing that he won’t open up. I wish you luck because by the sound of your post, I suspect you have already judged him and won’t be open to anything he might have to say, so this is already doomed. But prove me wrong. Step up and show him how much you love and care for him.

ilovewatching · 61-69, M

@Luckylu I hope she listens to your advice. Yours is the best advice. I enlisted a psychologist to talk to about my attraction to men. They helped me understand that this attraction isn’t going away and it’s part of who I am. Thanks.

turbineman40 · 80-89, M

@Luckylu You write with wisdom about this person's problem. I think you're are correct this lady has already made up her mind about her husband.

Quinton · 46-50, F

What about my rights? Dont i have the right to be angry? I have loved this man for more than half of my life. Been faithful 100%. He keeps on lying to me and betraying me and now i must be understanding towards his feelings. I m not holding a gun against his head to stay in this marriage. Im not judging anyone who openly chooses to be gay or bi. God will judge. You make the choice seems so easy, but the problem is he dont want to admit to anything even when i give him the opportunity to open up to me instead he gets upset and just want me to let it go! How can i when there is the possibility that he might just oneday leave me for a man. Yes its his choice but what about me and the hurt it will cause. What about my right to know so that i can make a choice as to how i want to live my life. At the moment he is not giving me a choice, he just wants me to forgive and forget. What about him stepping up and showing me how much he loves me. Dont blame me for him being a coward. That is not fair!

Quinton · 46-50, F

@turbineman40 If that was true it would have been so much easier to make a decision!

Luckylu · 61-69, F

@Quinton what I’m saying is you both need to talk and be honest about your feelings but do it without ego and judgement. Yes, explain how his lying has hurt you. You do have a right to your feelings. Unfortunately, he has lied and hidden what he has been doing. He can’t change that in order to help you feel better. This is about how the two of you will approach this going forward. Do the two of you love each other enough to try and figure this out? Can he open up and be honest with you? Are you able to listen to what he says? If he doesn’t want you to leave it means he doesn’t either and still cares so try not to look at it as if he might be planning to leave you. I know some awesome marriages where both spouses enjoy the company of they’re same sex and it works in their marriage, but honesty and open communication are key. Just don’t cause each other more pain and heartache especially if you love each other. This might just be him wanting to explore aspects of himself he has kept suppressed. But until you help him feel safe in opening up, he will just shut down. He probably feels ashamed in his desires. And yet can’t help how exciting it feels to explore this aspect of himself. Does he have something in his past that he has kept hidden? Like someone else said, the abuse when he was young has created in him an attraction to men. This is now part of who he is. I know from my own experience how this can change a person and suppressing it isn’t good and it can come out in unhealthy ways. You can’t know if you attack him and give him reasons to shut you out. So please set aside those hurt feelings for the moment and try and encourage him to speak honestly with you. Then with kindness explain how his actions have hurt you and undermined your marriage. Then once everything is out in the open the two of you can decide what to do and if there is anything salvageable.

Quinton · 46-50, F

@Luckylu just one last thing. I agree with most of what you're saying, but what bothers me most is the fact that he acts like everything is normal between us as if these things didn't happen and we should just move on and for him that is obviously great because than life just go on for him. Remember this is not the first time that this issue has come to light. The first time i found out about this behavior was 3yrs ago. Also fake Facebook accounts with numerous woman and men, online affairs, gay websites, etc. Now it surfaced again three wks ago and the worst part is that a week after i found out he used another fake account and downloaded numerous sex videos while at work , all this while i was willing to give him another chance! Am i just being a fool????

Luckylu · 61-69, F

@Quinton No one is a fool unless they just ignore what is going on. You aren’t doing that. All I can do is repeat what I have said. Try and have a sit down discussion with him, try and get to the root of what is going on. Some things can be intoxicating because of the appearance of it being taboo. I get the feeling you don’t want to give up on the 25 years of marriage, and there is nothing wrong with doing everything you can to keep it together. If he won’t talk to you, then find out if he is willing to go to a counsellor either together or separately. But in the long run, it really is up to him to open up to you and you giving him a place where he can feel comfortable doing so. I didn’t have 25 years with anyone but I did have 4 years with a man who had his own problems and wouldn’t talk to me about it. Eventually, I had to let it go and move me and my daughter out of that relationship because he wasn’t good for me or her. I’m not saying this is your path. I’m just saying that everyone has to make their own decision and do what they feel they need to do. Even if he won’t go to a counsellor, maybe go for yourself. If he won’t talk there isn’t much you can do, and at that point you have to decide what you are willing to accept and what isn’t acceptable. It isn’t being a fool trying to save 25 years of marriage.

Quinton · 46-50, F

@Luckylu Thankyou, but i think that i have come to decision to walk away. Its not worth it.The fighting has to stop. I cant deal with this anymore! If he wants to save our marriage than he will have to fight for us

Luckylu · 61-69, F

@Quinton I wish you all the best in your decision. You have to do what feels right for you. 🤗

Quinton · 46-50, F

@Luckylu thankyou so much for taking the time to address my situation. You've been very kind and supportive, much appreciated 😊

Luckylu · 61-69, F

@Quinton You are welcome. I hate to see 25 years of marriage end, but I do understand. Lies are very difficult to recover from. It destroys trust and makes it very difficult to rebuild it even if there are no more lies. I do wish you the best and hope things work out for you. 🌹

SW-User

@Quinton you're exactly right. He screwed up the relationship. Its up to him to clean up the mess not you.

Orpheus · 56-60, M

@Luckylu Hi Lu. What a fantastic answer. I don't know whether you've had personal experience of a similar type or whether you're just exceedingly rational and empathetic but, if I were to ever consider another long term relationship with a woman, i'd want her to have an attitude just like yours.

Luckylu · 61-69, F

@Orpheus Thank you for your comment. My experience is from the perspective of being someone who had difficulty opening up about my feelings and wishing someone would have sat down with me and told me no matter what they would love me, and encourage me to talk and be patient until I was able to do so. Not everyone understands how difficult it is to talk about what is in a person’s mind and heart. Mostly because I have found not many really want to know. The unfortunate thing is people like me and most likely like her husband, we learned at an early age that to reveal our true selves is to open ourselves up to criticism, judgement and being ostracized. And sometimes the world gets in the way of us understanding our own selves, what we feel, and who we are. And until we can figure that out, it is very difficult to sit down and explain things to someone who has already formed a negative judgement. Patience, understanding, being willing to love someone no matter what isn’t easy to do. I’ve also been on the other side of this spectrum and know how hard that is as well. It is a quality I search for in people and at times, I also try to encourage in others.

Orpheus · 56-60, M

@Luckylu Thank you for your reply. My experience is of a similar perspective. I met a woman and we became fast friends with an understanding that we were working towards a relationship. We were both cautious and had both experienced failed relationships previously, plus she had a child. We talked a lot and we both agreed upon a healthy disclosure of our opinions on most things of importance including sexuality, previous partners, sexual fantasies and what we expected / would accept and would enjoy sharing in these matters. I had never shared such openness with anyone, ever and was truly smitten, believing I had found my soul partner and quickly fell in love. From the moment the relationship became 'locked down' and official, we moved in together and it became apparent that her open minded ideals were a thing of fantasy and she became increasingly controlling, jealous and manipulative, using the deeply personal life events I had shared as leverage to mock, belittle and ridicule me, privately and sometimes publicly. Following these, often alcohol fuelled, rage driven screaming spats, there was a period of remorse and apology followed by a reasonable quality of life which, although superficially pleasant, was, in the back of my mind marred by the anticipation of the next repeat occurrence. As I said, there was a child involved, then another child, who were much loved. The whole thing took so long to end, with such protracted acrimony, that I would find it difficult, but not impossible to trust someone to that degree again. Had she been honest with the qualities she initially displayed (which were not dissimilar to the values you exhibit now), it could've been a truly remarkable relationship. However, I am much moved by the empathy, simplicity and respect for ones fellow human beings (of which, ones partner really should be most deserving) in your philosophy. Lastly but most importantly...Love. If people love one another, it should be respected and nurtured as the bedrock upon which all else sits. It seems oft forgotten in favour of pretty much anything and everything else. I found your opinion and advice refreshing and enlightening. You also inspired me to express my own experience, which I'm happy to have done. Thank you.