Is he really poly??
Im gonna give as much detail as I can, pls bare with me. I also wanna say yes I know this is a dysfunctional relationship and we shouldn't be together. Ive made my bed, im laying in it 🤷🏾♀ I can literally just leave.
My bf keeps saying hes poly but idk. When we met 5 years ago, he never mentioned this and it wasnt until the first time he cheated that it came up. He told me the he was always poly (or at the very least figuring it out) but that he knew I wouldnt want to continue with the relationship, so he never said anything. He told me how his father raised him with Muslim teachings and he had two women in the home so this was normal life for him. Of course I forgave him (I had no self esteem and wanted him to love me as much as i loved him) and he wanted me to consider being poly. To go on dating sites and find someone in would be comfortable with involving in the relationship. But I was taking too long to figure out how i felt. He let me know that by him not being poly, he felt I wasnt letting him be himself. And that it would cause him to cheat. And he did....like several more times 🤦🏾♀we broke up 2 years ago but we got back together over the summer 🤡 and the poly thing is still happening. (I dont have a defense other than the 🍆 is godly 😭 and I was long overdue)
So basically, when we started talking again he was in a relationship with his best friend and they had certain understanding. They would both do their things with others if they wanted to, as long as all parties were aware of everything. I let him know that im still not down to be poly, its just not my lane. I told him we dont have to be together because he let me know that when we were together before, he felt that I didnt accept him for who he was (that I thought he was some bad buy for wanting to be poly) I didnt want to make him feel that way (and I never did) so I was okay just being friends that get down. But he said that I couldnt be with him without being with her. I knew that would never happened but I still wanted what I wanted. So I said I would think about but I wouldnt make a decision anytime soon. (Like years) They were both fine with this but not long after, she broke up with him out of jealousy. (Mostly because they have a kid and since he was focused on that, he didnt want to deal with anyone but her. But when I came into the picture, he fought tooth and nail to have me. So she dipped. I also have a strong theory that she has been in love with him for years and only agreed to the arrangement just to be with him)
But in order to help make the relationship work, we both have to compromise right? I asked him to not have sex with anyone. He can talk to and flirt, but it goes no further until I can be comfortable. So its just been me and him and he said he was okay with this. He had too many outside stresses to have another person come in. And we've been happy. The only the he asked was that when he starts to feel "urges" he can talk to me about it. We've been running like this just fine. But recently we had a fight because he felt our relationship is one sided. That hes being monogamous for me, but im not being poly for him. But I told him that he never really told me what he wanted me to comprise. That he was able to talk to people if he wanted. But then he throws this curveball at me.
He says that for him, flirting and talking is more intimate than sex. So the idea of flirting with others as a compromise doesn't work for him. Sex is just an action like anything else but also, hes not seeking out people to have sex. He wants a connection that can be shared with the three of us....but isnt that just being friends?? He hates when I say that because his definition of friends is different; he doesnt consider many people his friend.
Idk what to make of him honestly. I told him he clearly doesnt know what he wants and he agrees. So why tell me its one sided??
To anyone thats poly, does this sound like a person whos really poly?
My bf keeps saying hes poly but idk. When we met 5 years ago, he never mentioned this and it wasnt until the first time he cheated that it came up. He told me the he was always poly (or at the very least figuring it out) but that he knew I wouldnt want to continue with the relationship, so he never said anything. He told me how his father raised him with Muslim teachings and he had two women in the home so this was normal life for him. Of course I forgave him (I had no self esteem and wanted him to love me as much as i loved him) and he wanted me to consider being poly. To go on dating sites and find someone in would be comfortable with involving in the relationship. But I was taking too long to figure out how i felt. He let me know that by him not being poly, he felt I wasnt letting him be himself. And that it would cause him to cheat. And he did....like several more times 🤦🏾♀we broke up 2 years ago but we got back together over the summer 🤡 and the poly thing is still happening. (I dont have a defense other than the 🍆 is godly 😭 and I was long overdue)
So basically, when we started talking again he was in a relationship with his best friend and they had certain understanding. They would both do their things with others if they wanted to, as long as all parties were aware of everything. I let him know that im still not down to be poly, its just not my lane. I told him we dont have to be together because he let me know that when we were together before, he felt that I didnt accept him for who he was (that I thought he was some bad buy for wanting to be poly) I didnt want to make him feel that way (and I never did) so I was okay just being friends that get down. But he said that I couldnt be with him without being with her. I knew that would never happened but I still wanted what I wanted. So I said I would think about but I wouldnt make a decision anytime soon. (Like years) They were both fine with this but not long after, she broke up with him out of jealousy. (Mostly because they have a kid and since he was focused on that, he didnt want to deal with anyone but her. But when I came into the picture, he fought tooth and nail to have me. So she dipped. I also have a strong theory that she has been in love with him for years and only agreed to the arrangement just to be with him)
But in order to help make the relationship work, we both have to compromise right? I asked him to not have sex with anyone. He can talk to and flirt, but it goes no further until I can be comfortable. So its just been me and him and he said he was okay with this. He had too many outside stresses to have another person come in. And we've been happy. The only the he asked was that when he starts to feel "urges" he can talk to me about it. We've been running like this just fine. But recently we had a fight because he felt our relationship is one sided. That hes being monogamous for me, but im not being poly for him. But I told him that he never really told me what he wanted me to comprise. That he was able to talk to people if he wanted. But then he throws this curveball at me.
He says that for him, flirting and talking is more intimate than sex. So the idea of flirting with others as a compromise doesn't work for him. Sex is just an action like anything else but also, hes not seeking out people to have sex. He wants a connection that can be shared with the three of us....but isnt that just being friends?? He hates when I say that because his definition of friends is different; he doesnt consider many people his friend.
Idk what to make of him honestly. I told him he clearly doesnt know what he wants and he agrees. So why tell me its one sided??
To anyone thats poly, does this sound like a person whos really poly?
