Crazy week

This past week is one in which I tried to open up but it just blew up in my face. There's a side of myself that likes certain things, nah, gets addictive to it. It claims a lot of effort to play out because I don't really have much experience either. I went to the hospital and a woman stood smoking there outside near the machine for paying the parking ticket. I smelled the tabacco and it reminded me of one of my grandfathers. Both were old men at the time that rolled they own cigarettes.

The memory that I had stuck in my brain then was that of my mom's dad. He's still about the kindest man that I've ever met in my lifetime. Yes, I'd gladly just have smoked a "Groene Michel" cigarette then and there just in memory of him. And that's now me too. I crave for someone to trust and love. It's a craving alright and it gets me into trouble most of the time. Not many people are these days kind. I mean that there's an awful lot of people out there who would play with your emotions or try to make you look foolish.

One example of that was yesterday when my boss interrupted my flow of work yet again to get me nervous enough that my leg started to shake. She was fishing for more information about my dad and me looking after him. I told her, of course, naively about the rat problem at his pigeon cots. Need to tell the neighbour about me putting down poison before her cat eats a rat. I do hope that the cat is still alright. That made so nervous. Was the cat already sick? She looked as if she had lost weight.

Well, that was going on in my head and my left leg started to shake. I got nervous. I did take a pill for that already in the morning but that didn't ease the problem. Of course, next I was downloading the rules for a old scrabble game that was going to be available in the library. Big mistake. I downloaded a trojan virus. Normally I get any rules via an email. I didn't panic though and immediately sent a email to the IT-guy. He's now sick however and I'm worrying about it all again. What did my boss do next?

My boss is a player, and she's so malicious at times. She had a virus on her laptop once and none of us could do anything about it then. In short, I think that she probably thought that it was payback time. No reaction at all from her, and she even left me sitting there. Not even any advice about what to do next, let along offer some sympathy. Oh well, those are only two instances when this past week it went so very crazy for me. I'm holding back a lot that I want to keep private.

However, if I may write some conclusions down, I'd glady trade the highest point of personal satisfaction for a moment of being loved truly. Not madly but truly. My grandfather loved me and showed it time after time. That's why the fleeting smell of the cigarette smoke affected me so greatly. It still does now. I think of him and what's truly lacking in my life. Not someone who tells me stuff but gives love so very naturally. Nor I do like to have only gone through the most excellent orgasm without the feel of the warmth of a hug afterwards too.