Kinda long but I'm lost

When I was 9 I was almost killed in a shooting where he actively went after me 6 shots later I turned and witnessed him shooting himself in the head. Since then ive Been on meds after meds doctor after doctor. Only relief was weed then extacy everything under the sun. Past 10 ove been medicating with coke. I know it's killing me but but I'm lost and alone.