I failed again....This is very long, and mostly just for writing therapy
This could become a long post as I work through all I am feeling this morning. If it does. I will add that fact to the title, so those who don't care for long posts won't waste their time starting to read something too long.. 🙂
Yesterday was my second day off sugar. I was doing great. I was being strong. However, my Husband came home a day early from camp, and I was in the worst phase of sugar withdrawals (at least for me). If I can make it through 3 days of quitting anything, I usually am successful in quitting whatever it is. If things would have gone as planned, my Husband would have come home on day 3 of my quit, and my energy level would have been better because I would have been through the worst of the withdrawal.😔
That isn't what happened, though. As the stress in the house grew from this unexpected turn of events, my fatigue grew. It is stressful when the hunters come home, because usually you have less than 24 hours to get all their laundry done, shopping to re-supply camp done, making sure there is enough hot water between loads of laundry to let everyone get a bath, cooking meals for everyone, etc. The girls and I had already cooked what we were going to eat during the worst of the withdrawals, but that isn't what the hunters wanted to eat. They were looking forward to a home-cooked meal after being at camp for 4 days. So, the girls and I got everything done, and around 7 pm, I started dragging butt. 😔
I had gotten up that morning at 3 am, even though I had been unable to sleep until 11 pm the night before. Sugar withdrawals starting on the second day lead to profound exhaustion, probably due to the loss of electrolytes from gastrointestinal issues, and I had gotten a little emotional about the hair dye thing. I mean, I know my Husband was trying to "fix" my feeling old by getting the hair dye, but it also caused me a lot of insecurity. A lot of thinking OMGoogle, does he really want me to be all painted up and prettied up again? 😔
Please excuse the interruptions of my writing and thought processes here. It is morning here, and my Husband's drive has always been high, so I took a short break from writing.
Ok, where was I? Oh ya, there was the emotionalism from that, and that always wipes out my energy level..So, around 7 pm, I was tapped out. Well, my Husband started acting withdrawn, like he does when I am doing something that upsets him, but my brain was so foggy and I was so exhausted, all I wanted to do was get some sleep. I asked him and asked him what I had done wrong, and he just kept telling me he was tired too from helping haul a friend's elk up out of a canyon. If I hadn't been his wife for 45 years, I could have bought into that lie, but I knew he was upset with me. 😔
I told myself I would just go lie down for a little nap, and then we could have marital relations. However, as I tried to nap, I knew a nap wouldn't fix anything, so I got back up and went and got some sugar and put an end to the withdrawals. The energy returned. I pleased my Husband, and then as he lay sleeping, I binged like crazy because of all the emotions I am going to address now. 😔
As everyone said on one of my posts from yesterday, and I agree with, my Husband is a wonderful man and I am a lucky woman to have him, but what I write here is only a little of what we (my Husband and I) are about and what we have lived through over 45 years. The idea that I have upset or disappointed my Husband in any way is, and will always be, my kryptonite. 😔
It has alot to do with my abandonment issues from childhood, and a deep-seated fear that if I don't please my Husband in every way, every day, he might leave me. I "know" he won't leave me after this many years, but it is conditioned in me to feel this way now. He didn't condition me to think this way. My mother did, and I guess I did too. 😔
As a child, when she would leave me over and over again, I always blamed myself and looked for what I did wrong. Since it wasn't really my fault, my mind would come up with anything I might have possibly done to displease her and make her leave me. When I moved in with my Husband at 14 (because my mother was going to kill me if I stayed in her home), I transferred all this conditioning to him. 😔
When I was young, I could override this deep-seated fear more, so it wasn't so obvious to everyone how terrified I was that he would leave me. In fact, because I was very pretty and self-sufficient back then, I felt less insecure and dependent on my Husband, so this fear of abandonment wasn't so overwhelming. When I was younger, I could set any goal in the world, and I would succeed at anything I put my mind to. 🙂
Many things have happened over the 45 years we have been married that have made me completely insecure, and chipped away at my self-confidence until I have no confidence at all. Being a full-time stay-at-home mother for 2 generations of children has made me completely dependent on my Husband.😔
I am going to stop here for a while, as my Husband is up now, and I need to spend some time with him before he goes back to camp.
This dependence on my Husband has reinforced my deep-seated fear of not pleasing him, and my being very sensitive to his moods. Also, during the first 35 years of our marriage, our fights were more intimidating and physical. Over the last 10 years, our fights have changed and are no longer physical, but they are just as stressful. During the first 35 years, we fought at least once a week. Over the last 8 years, these fights have happened about once a month. For the last 2 years, our fights have become so random, sometimes taking a couple of months before we fight. This makes me hypervigilant to any perceived changes in his behavior.😔
Anyway, I knew my Husband was upset with me. I had not an ounce of energy left in me for the reasons I discussed above, so I threw in the towel on quitting sugar. I am not sure when I will try again. I am depressed today, and when I am depressed, it is even harder for me to set goals and meet them. I have Type 3 hyperlipidemia and Familial Hypertriglyceridemia, and these things get much worse when I eat sugar. I made a promise to the 4 grandchildren we adopted to take care of myself, so I could be around as long as possible for them. So, I will try again at some point.🫤
I have recently reconnected with my inner voice( inner child) after refusing to hear it for 50 years, so I am in less danger of self-punishment over this. In the past, my inner child would have made sure I ate so much sugar and got so sick that it made all my illnesses significantly worse. This time, I am acknowledging her anger towards me for failing, her anger towards my Husband for not caring more about me than himself, and her frustrations with our shortcomings. In the past, all this would have been silent, except for all the sugary substances I stuffed into my mouth, in almost a driven manner, until I was beyond sick. 🤢
This time, because I can hear her and I am listening, it is only myself and this depression that keeps me from getting right back to quitting sugar. I haven't binged on the sugary stuff, yet today; I just haven't decided to get back to quitting either.Oh, well, tomorrow is another day...🤷♀
Oh, ya, and having been diagnosed with ADHD inattentive as a child and again in my 30s makes all of this even harder. 😔
[media=https://youtu.be/BqrPih84p60]
Yesterday was my second day off sugar. I was doing great. I was being strong. However, my Husband came home a day early from camp, and I was in the worst phase of sugar withdrawals (at least for me). If I can make it through 3 days of quitting anything, I usually am successful in quitting whatever it is. If things would have gone as planned, my Husband would have come home on day 3 of my quit, and my energy level would have been better because I would have been through the worst of the withdrawal.😔
That isn't what happened, though. As the stress in the house grew from this unexpected turn of events, my fatigue grew. It is stressful when the hunters come home, because usually you have less than 24 hours to get all their laundry done, shopping to re-supply camp done, making sure there is enough hot water between loads of laundry to let everyone get a bath, cooking meals for everyone, etc. The girls and I had already cooked what we were going to eat during the worst of the withdrawals, but that isn't what the hunters wanted to eat. They were looking forward to a home-cooked meal after being at camp for 4 days. So, the girls and I got everything done, and around 7 pm, I started dragging butt. 😔
I had gotten up that morning at 3 am, even though I had been unable to sleep until 11 pm the night before. Sugar withdrawals starting on the second day lead to profound exhaustion, probably due to the loss of electrolytes from gastrointestinal issues, and I had gotten a little emotional about the hair dye thing. I mean, I know my Husband was trying to "fix" my feeling old by getting the hair dye, but it also caused me a lot of insecurity. A lot of thinking OMGoogle, does he really want me to be all painted up and prettied up again? 😔
Please excuse the interruptions of my writing and thought processes here. It is morning here, and my Husband's drive has always been high, so I took a short break from writing.
Ok, where was I? Oh ya, there was the emotionalism from that, and that always wipes out my energy level..So, around 7 pm, I was tapped out. Well, my Husband started acting withdrawn, like he does when I am doing something that upsets him, but my brain was so foggy and I was so exhausted, all I wanted to do was get some sleep. I asked him and asked him what I had done wrong, and he just kept telling me he was tired too from helping haul a friend's elk up out of a canyon. If I hadn't been his wife for 45 years, I could have bought into that lie, but I knew he was upset with me. 😔
I told myself I would just go lie down for a little nap, and then we could have marital relations. However, as I tried to nap, I knew a nap wouldn't fix anything, so I got back up and went and got some sugar and put an end to the withdrawals. The energy returned. I pleased my Husband, and then as he lay sleeping, I binged like crazy because of all the emotions I am going to address now. 😔
As everyone said on one of my posts from yesterday, and I agree with, my Husband is a wonderful man and I am a lucky woman to have him, but what I write here is only a little of what we (my Husband and I) are about and what we have lived through over 45 years. The idea that I have upset or disappointed my Husband in any way is, and will always be, my kryptonite. 😔
It has alot to do with my abandonment issues from childhood, and a deep-seated fear that if I don't please my Husband in every way, every day, he might leave me. I "know" he won't leave me after this many years, but it is conditioned in me to feel this way now. He didn't condition me to think this way. My mother did, and I guess I did too. 😔
As a child, when she would leave me over and over again, I always blamed myself and looked for what I did wrong. Since it wasn't really my fault, my mind would come up with anything I might have possibly done to displease her and make her leave me. When I moved in with my Husband at 14 (because my mother was going to kill me if I stayed in her home), I transferred all this conditioning to him. 😔
When I was young, I could override this deep-seated fear more, so it wasn't so obvious to everyone how terrified I was that he would leave me. In fact, because I was very pretty and self-sufficient back then, I felt less insecure and dependent on my Husband, so this fear of abandonment wasn't so overwhelming. When I was younger, I could set any goal in the world, and I would succeed at anything I put my mind to. 🙂
Many things have happened over the 45 years we have been married that have made me completely insecure, and chipped away at my self-confidence until I have no confidence at all. Being a full-time stay-at-home mother for 2 generations of children has made me completely dependent on my Husband.😔
I am going to stop here for a while, as my Husband is up now, and I need to spend some time with him before he goes back to camp.
This dependence on my Husband has reinforced my deep-seated fear of not pleasing him, and my being very sensitive to his moods. Also, during the first 35 years of our marriage, our fights were more intimidating and physical. Over the last 10 years, our fights have changed and are no longer physical, but they are just as stressful. During the first 35 years, we fought at least once a week. Over the last 8 years, these fights have happened about once a month. For the last 2 years, our fights have become so random, sometimes taking a couple of months before we fight. This makes me hypervigilant to any perceived changes in his behavior.😔
Anyway, I knew my Husband was upset with me. I had not an ounce of energy left in me for the reasons I discussed above, so I threw in the towel on quitting sugar. I am not sure when I will try again. I am depressed today, and when I am depressed, it is even harder for me to set goals and meet them. I have Type 3 hyperlipidemia and Familial Hypertriglyceridemia, and these things get much worse when I eat sugar. I made a promise to the 4 grandchildren we adopted to take care of myself, so I could be around as long as possible for them. So, I will try again at some point.🫤
I have recently reconnected with my inner voice( inner child) after refusing to hear it for 50 years, so I am in less danger of self-punishment over this. In the past, my inner child would have made sure I ate so much sugar and got so sick that it made all my illnesses significantly worse. This time, I am acknowledging her anger towards me for failing, her anger towards my Husband for not caring more about me than himself, and her frustrations with our shortcomings. In the past, all this would have been silent, except for all the sugary substances I stuffed into my mouth, in almost a driven manner, until I was beyond sick. 🤢
This time, because I can hear her and I am listening, it is only myself and this depression that keeps me from getting right back to quitting sugar. I haven't binged on the sugary stuff, yet today; I just haven't decided to get back to quitting either.Oh, well, tomorrow is another day...🤷♀
Oh, ya, and having been diagnosed with ADHD inattentive as a child and again in my 30s makes all of this even harder. 😔
[media=https://youtu.be/BqrPih84p60]
