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Alcoholism and Drug Addiction......

Addiction is a monster, it lives inside and feeds off you, takes from you, controls you, and destroys you. It's a beast that tears you apart, rips out your soul, and laughs at your weakness. It is a stone wall that stands to keep you in and the rest out. It is a shadow that always lurks behind you, waiting to strike. Addiction lives in everyone's mind, sitting, staring, waiting....a prisoner in your body!

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I'm a recovering addict.....I'm 16 years sober now. But, it still haunts each and every day. I know and realize I can't just take that one drink, it's one right after the other until I can't feel anything, just numb. I'm writing this to help others who may be struggling in their lives with addiction.....you're not alone....you're never alone.
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You're right, it's a monster.

A monster that can take on my forms, may ruin your life, worse kill you, or even just distort it to all living hell and leave one deeply hurt from broken relationships. Still a monster and a beast. My father became a foster child cause his father was an alcoholic (this was the 40s and kids weren't taken from their home easily), my father after he retired, and a sudden health shock took to drinking too much, and I watched it hurt theirs, almost to the point of destroying it.

I tried to understand it then. I was living with them as the youngest in my family. He never acted out, but they were so far gone from each other. Emotionally it was destroying my mother, I knew her love of him. She'd avoid him in the evening, not from fear of violence or abuse, but for it being unbearable for her to watch. I'd sit with him, often just to almost mediate, if things arose about his drinking. He'd deny his amount, she'd exaggerate them. No child wants to be the one between parents, found myself in that place. Maybe helped, I was an adult by this time, but I won't deny the emotions/hurt either.

He never became sober; nor was his death caused by alcoholism.... but it stings, where would his life have been?

Somewhere in that time, since then and now, I've taken up the cause. I used to have endless nights of reckless abandonment, is what I call them, maybe torn from grief, not learning my lessons, or thinking this won't happen to me. However, I cut the cloth of how, it's arrived at my door. I embraced it foolishly to start with. But that's how it creeps in. I had friends who would tell me. I would always find the story, but this is not me, I have not done these things. And, I hadn't. All of our lives are different.

Took me years to see in myself, and have never taken the raw pledge to become truly sober since, when someone I once loved was losing her father to cancer, and I was doing things I could not accept in myself. When I look back, I'm truly in awe, I never lost that friendship entirely. Maybe because she had her own story with addiction and a very empathetic soul. She told me, I was hitting my bottom, and she was damn right.

Years later, I did learn to taper amounts, I could control some. But even if I have escaped the worst of emotional turmoil from it, I keep feeling inside myself, I say that 'now' when my life is not upside down, or reeling in emotional hurt. Blind, dumb, foolish in a way. My family recently had a shocking death in the family, I know I took one night for myself to let myself "release", and the next day I thought to myself, what if this was my mother who died? The only one, who I feel really binds our family together. What kind of response would I have had?

I've done it before quitting drinking, but it was a temporary idea, 100 days. I remember the energy and health I found, but that was years ago now. Everything I have learned over the years, from the broken family histories, and no longer wanting that demon controlling my emotions/heart, looking for clarity, nor wanting the future it could bring, or broken relationships. I had made a decision a couple months ago to finally place myself towards looking to sobriety, and you could say my cousin's death, the hurt I saw in family (mental health related, suicide and not addiction), but feeling to myself how deeply I can't watch this, and seeing 'what if' this was my funeral. (Edit here forgetting to mention: the time is now to quit)

Congratulations on your 16 years. Be proud of yourself, it took courage and love of life to escape that demon, monster.
Indy74 · 46-50, F
@thewindupbirdchronicles I'm going to have to admit that this has totally pulled and tugged at my emotions and heart. You have true strength , you really do. Everything you have said has brought true heartfelt tears to my eyes. It's not and never will be your funeral.....I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your cousin.....I know all too well about almost losing my life.....it took me almost dying from an attempt on my own life and ending up at death's door to have my family realize that I had a problem, plus I had mental health issues also. I still struggle like crazy with BPD and bipolar.....I fight each and everyday....I know your struggle, trust me on that. You will always have an ally, a friend, and someone who will be of support to you. You don't have to endure anything alone anymore. There are special ones that care......I think you know that. 🤗

I am truly proud of my 16 years of sobriety and I appreciate you recognizing that 100%! I still fight the urge.....it never truly goes away honestly.....but, the willpower and strength keep me going! You ever need anything, you know where to find me. I know how you feel.....
@Indy74 Thank you in saying it will never be my funeral. It's not how I saw the funeral consciously, but there was a part of me just watching the loneliness on their faces, what I do and have done, I'm not in denial when I say I *am* mostly better, while letting it control me and abuse me. Just made me feel something stark inside, seeing their loss. I feel also just says my spirit is searching, and it's about damn time.

Family love to deny, not see. I understand in a way, as they can't handle their own emotions. So instead of looking to help, they look sadly to distance themselves to make *their* lives better. That's one thing I noted from my cousin's funeral, his parents noted he was brilliant, loving, charismatic, caring, but there was this part of him, ripping everything apart they tried desperately to understand. His father brought up, and I can't know he kept composure, after sharing poems of his, stories, his health in decline, 'remember this, Sean, loved, and it's said there are 3 quotients in life that make up the quality of life, the IQ, EQ and another one... the SQ.' My cousin ripped himself apart looking for the spiritual part. I feel they really heard him, but felt powerless. They played a recording of his poetry, I understood each word, but felt you poor man, you forgot one element; not the spiritual part, or intelligence, he forgot how to care for himself or those he loved, emotionally.

Keep that fight up, please. I know you will. I don't know if that fight ever lets up, I'd love if it would, but a phrase that does belong here, 'one day at a time'
Indy74 · 46-50, F
@thewindupbirdchronicles He sounds like he was an exceptional person!! I'm glad to hear that your spirit is searching.....just listen to it....you can fight and stand strong just like myself.....you are becoming a warrior in your own right. One day at a time goes for you too my dear friend!! 🤗💙
MoonlightLullaby · 41-45, F
@thewindupbirdchronicles @Indy74 I'm so damn proud of you both. Love, light & support always, my specials.🤗💖✨🙏
Indy74 · 46-50, F
@MoonlightLullaby Love , light , and support to you always.....can't forget about you now special one! 🤗💜🌼🙏
@MoonlightLullaby I'm sorry to have missed your comment.

Thank you 🤗🤗💖 I second every word of Indy's here, and you are damn special, yourself. 💖🤗🙏
MoonlightLullaby · 41-45, F
@thewindupbirdchronicles No thanks is ever needed. You two are especially important to me 💟✨🪻