Struggle with any addictions?

I did. I was a pain clinic patient for many, many years. Heavy opiates. Ive had surgeries since that time. Opiates on board for pain. I took them as always, as prescribed. Zero issues.
And although my journey is very different from recreational users, i was no less an addict.
Rehab. I owe my life to it.
Ive never relapsed. But, even though i dont advocate it for others, cannabis was/is paramount to by well being.

Now that you have tasted both addiction & recovery, why keep yourself vulnerable? Why give chances to relapse, to jails, or to an OD?
Come to NA meetings. It's unfashionable, not glamorous but it helps you to be free - free of drugs, free of relapse free of incarceration.
(I'm 61 now, 30 years of active using, 15 of uninterrupted recovery - life's good)
Best wishes

Smoked ciggs for 14 years, minor coke habit for a while in the early 2000s, went through a phase of doing a lot of hallucinogens and dissociatives, also had a drinking phase. Basically age 19-24 is a blurr.

Congrats on staying clean. And yes, relapses are part of the journey and not something to be judged. But while they happen and can be valuable learning places, a relapse doesn't have to be part of recovery. Each relapse might be the last.

too many..my demons are fighting each other...hahaha

have you tried taking ayahuasca?

Just cigarettes. I quit three years ago.