Relaspse ramble shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh [I Addiction]

I drank again... Way too much and I'm stupid for making such a mistake.... I carved the shit out of my arm for it but....... I feel as though that isn't enough of a punishment.. Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.. I won't do anything too drastic, I'm not suicidal or anything........ Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut I really want to cut myself so much that I bleed out and am too weak for about 4 days or so just laying on the floor starving and dying of thirst then BOOM!! Get up malnourished and water deprived so I learn my god damn lesson. I know there's AA and whatever but, the guilt just crushes me so much.