Statement for the record regarding the alleged smallness of my extremities.
Your Honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, and any other interested parties presently lurking in the vacinity:
There have been unsubstantiated allegations that my hands and feet are, quote, "small". I am here today to formally set the record straight.
It is a generally accepted principle of common sense that if an individual possesses small hands and feet, said individual would also possess a correspondingly small shoe size. This seems reasonable and logical.
Which brings me to exhibit A.
I respectfully direct the court's attention to the video evidence of my boots positioned adjacent to footprints in freshly fallen snow. Please observe that only a minority of said footprints even approach the circumference and overall mass of my footwear, and those that do so manage it only barely.
Furthermore, note the several imprints that are clearly, visibly, and unmistakably overshadowed by the sheer girth of my boot when placed upon them.
I would also like to enter into the record that there were, in fact, additional footprints of similar and even more flattering proportions that I did not manage to capture on video. This was not due to a lack of evidence, but rather due to the inconvenient reality that I was, regrettably, at work and could not conduct a full forensic snow-footprint documentation session at that time.
In conclusion, the defense rests upon the obvious: small feet do not produce large boots. Large boots do not lie, and neither do I.
There have been unsubstantiated allegations that my hands and feet are, quote, "small". I am here today to formally set the record straight.
It is a generally accepted principle of common sense that if an individual possesses small hands and feet, said individual would also possess a correspondingly small shoe size. This seems reasonable and logical.
Which brings me to exhibit A.
I respectfully direct the court's attention to the video evidence of my boots positioned adjacent to footprints in freshly fallen snow. Please observe that only a minority of said footprints even approach the circumference and overall mass of my footwear, and those that do so manage it only barely.
Furthermore, note the several imprints that are clearly, visibly, and unmistakably overshadowed by the sheer girth of my boot when placed upon them.
I would also like to enter into the record that there were, in fact, additional footprints of similar and even more flattering proportions that I did not manage to capture on video. This was not due to a lack of evidence, but rather due to the inconvenient reality that I was, regrettably, at work and could not conduct a full forensic snow-footprint documentation session at that time.
In conclusion, the defense rests upon the obvious: small feet do not produce large boots. Large boots do not lie, and neither do I.
