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I Support Free Will

My mother was, among other things, an unconscionable bully. She moved heaven and earth to attempt to run my life (and many other lives as well). People trembled around her because she held the power of life and death over many people in her powerful position in life.

Once, when I was in my 40s, (and taking care of her), I asked her, "Why do you insist on running my whole life?"

She said, "I'm not trying to run your life. You can do anything you want. All I ask is that you run it by me first."
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Serenitree · F
It [b][i]sounds[/i][/b] reasonable, on the surface, doesn't it? If you were to just tell it cold, like that, to someone who had never read your stories about how you grew up, they'd wonder why that could bother you.
greenmountaingal · 70-79, F
@Serenitree Of course, if I "ran it by her" and she did not approve (and she rarely approved of anything), she would yell and scream and howl and threaten until you gave in...or, if you stood firm, she'd make a few phone calls and, to put it in her words, "make you sorry yhou were ever born."

Also, when she said "run it by me" she meant absolutely [i]everything[/i] in my life. For instance, when I went to the supermarket to shop for her, if I stopped at the drug store on the way to pick up some medication, by the time I'd get to the supermarket, as I'd walk in the door of the market, the manager would rush up to me to tell me my mother had called him to ask why I wasn't there and then later she'd give me hell because I didn't ask her if I could stop at the drug store.
Serenitree · F
@greenmountaingal I know how she treated you from reading past posts. From what I can see, you're a sane, reasonably well adjusted adult. Shocking, considering the upbringing you had. I'd have expected a neurotic bundle of insecurities and pathetic fears. Instead, you seem to have grown past the insanity and come out in one piece. Or as I once wrote....

I'm walking free
With my head held high
'Cuz, I've been through hell
And I didn't fry.
greenmountaingal · 70-79, F
@Serenitree Thank you! I appreciate your support and kind words.

I love your little rhyme, might even tack it to my wall for awhile.

A shrink (whom I met socially) once told me that the main reason people like me are often such an obvious mess is that they don't want to hide the evidence of their mistreatment and thereby let the abuser get away with it.

Of course, the problem is that the abuser has [i]already[/i] gotten away with it. And now the crazy behavior you display only victimizes you, not the one who actually deserves it.

I think, in my case, there were several reasons I did not become--at least in the long run--a suicidal mess with a bunch of "disorders" and shrink appointments and meds. For one thing, I was convinced my mother and her evil henchstaff (including a shrink I was forced to see who still scares me too much to write about) were trying to make me crack so they could put me in an institution and then get a conservatorship over me. Realizing that, and getting some excellent advice from an attorney when I did realize it for sure, helped me to at least fake being sane enough to work and take care of myself.

When someone is as crazy and destructive as my mother, you have to decide if it's you who is crazy or her. And, observing her, it was not a terrifically hard decision.
Serenitree · F
@greenmountaingal I'm so glad you did. I'm glad to have had a chance to speak with you and learn about you and your strengths.
greenmountaingal · 70-79, F
@Serenitree Thank you. The hardest part for me is knowing that many people will, understandably, simply not believe me. When my mother was alive and functioning it was worse because she was charming and attractive and knew how to get people to believe her. And many were afraid of her so they always complimented her and told me how lucky I was to have such a mother. My life has, in some respects, been a badly directed B movie.
Serenitree · F
@greenmountaingal I believe every word. I was very fortunate that I happened to get two people who were wonderful people who loved us and did a great job of being good parents.

But, I've known people who have been raised by narcissistic personalities, and they were unimaginably miserable, and in most cases, I'm quite certain, the narcissist didn't have any social or corporate powers. Just a sick mind. Given the narcissist's tendency to demand the most from those closest to them, and having any kind of powerful position in the community, I can only imagine the horror that was your life. Even people who would recognize her for what she was, and you know there had to be some, would likely fear the consequences of making their knowledge known. You would have been totally alone with her insanity and no way to defend yourself.
greenmountaingal · 70-79, F
@Serenitree Thank you, [i]thank you[/i] for understanding! I appreciate it more than you can know.

Yes, [i]most[/i] of those who told me how wonderful she was were very afraid of her and with good reason. And they also knew that, in many social situations, they were under audio or audio/visual surveillance so they knew she would know every word they spoke. People just gushed about how wonderful she was; they didn't dare do anything else!