I Find It Hard to Make Friends
Throughout the entirety of my life as far as I have existed, I have never had a single true friend. Of course, this could be debated, since over the years I have had people to whom I had an informal relationship with, the occasional bumping-into each-other kind of relationship, which could be defined as a friendship. But for me, a friendship is defined as the relationship between two people where companionship and self disclosure are pivotal points of exploration.
In my childhood, due to the circumstances in which I found myself, I never had a single true friend, as in someone I visited often, had sleepovers with, shared secrets and thoughts, and talked to often. I had nothing much the stifling but well-intended relationships of my family and I, which is a wholly different subject.
Now, as a college student trying to navigate the sometimes confusing and oftentimes discouraging geography of the world, I find myself still struggling to obtain such relationships. Now, for the sake of clarification, let me state that I am not an overly awkward or antisocial person. I was raised to be respectful, courteous, and aware of others, while also approaching the world with a critical and logical eye. I do sometimes stutter, but only on rare occasions. I smile, listen to others, wait patiently, remain calm, stay nice, and do everything society says is polite. I even sometimes do silly things to be a little outrageous and garnish a few laughs at best and disgusted looks at worse. Yet, despite my efforts, I still cannot seem to make any friends.
Of course, I am making progress. I have a classmate from last semester that I sometimes, more and more often, go out and eat with. This is evidence of some progress.
I still feel disturbed, disheartened, and most of all, sad, due to my lack of companions. But, I continue to do what I've always done: not fall apart.
In my childhood, due to the circumstances in which I found myself, I never had a single true friend, as in someone I visited often, had sleepovers with, shared secrets and thoughts, and talked to often. I had nothing much the stifling but well-intended relationships of my family and I, which is a wholly different subject.
Now, as a college student trying to navigate the sometimes confusing and oftentimes discouraging geography of the world, I find myself still struggling to obtain such relationships. Now, for the sake of clarification, let me state that I am not an overly awkward or antisocial person. I was raised to be respectful, courteous, and aware of others, while also approaching the world with a critical and logical eye. I do sometimes stutter, but only on rare occasions. I smile, listen to others, wait patiently, remain calm, stay nice, and do everything society says is polite. I even sometimes do silly things to be a little outrageous and garnish a few laughs at best and disgusted looks at worse. Yet, despite my efforts, I still cannot seem to make any friends.
Of course, I am making progress. I have a classmate from last semester that I sometimes, more and more often, go out and eat with. This is evidence of some progress.
I still feel disturbed, disheartened, and most of all, sad, due to my lack of companions. But, I continue to do what I've always done: not fall apart.
22-25, M
