I Wish People Wouldn't Just Up and Leave
I have been listening to this podcast. And in it, the author describes how we all have our own scripts. Scripts being something you have been believing since you were a child... it never goes away. It is a firm belief that taints and transforms the rest of your life. You end up sabotaging yourself to conform to this script, because you believe in it above everything else.
Whilst listening to this podcast I knew exactly what this script is... I have always known, since I was a 6 year old kid. My script is that I am, have always been, and will always be alone. Since I figured it all out at that young age, I have tried everything in my power to make it stop - to make it not be true. But regardless of the choices I make, the paths I choose in my life... it always comes back down to that. I end up being alone and disconnected from the world around me.
I have changed myself to the extent that I no longer recognize me. I have tried connecting with a myriad of different people. I have left my country, even my continent, to escape from this... but it always catches up. This intrinsic loneliness - this void... my oldest and best friend. It will always be here, no matter what I do or where I go... I will always be alone. It is pointless to fight it at this stage.
I think of the NIN lyric in the song "Hurt." He sings, "Everyone I know goes away in the end..." This is the story of my life - my script. I can run, hide, try to fight it... but the inevitability of it all will always catch up. I am alone. I will always be alone. I was meant to be alone... "Happiness and peace of mind were never meant for me."
Whilst listening to this podcast I knew exactly what this script is... I have always known, since I was a 6 year old kid. My script is that I am, have always been, and will always be alone. Since I figured it all out at that young age, I have tried everything in my power to make it stop - to make it not be true. But regardless of the choices I make, the paths I choose in my life... it always comes back down to that. I end up being alone and disconnected from the world around me.
I have changed myself to the extent that I no longer recognize me. I have tried connecting with a myriad of different people. I have left my country, even my continent, to escape from this... but it always catches up. This intrinsic loneliness - this void... my oldest and best friend. It will always be here, no matter what I do or where I go... I will always be alone. It is pointless to fight it at this stage.
I think of the NIN lyric in the song "Hurt." He sings, "Everyone I know goes away in the end..." This is the story of my life - my script. I can run, hide, try to fight it... but the inevitability of it all will always catch up. I am alone. I will always be alone. I was meant to be alone... "Happiness and peace of mind were never meant for me."
