I Battle Depression and Anxiety

I screwed up again today. I hurt a close relationship with a loved one by accident. It's alright now; they are fine, but I'm dealing with the aftermath.
I had the worst panic attack I have had in a while, and it led me to not think as clearly and to act irrationally. I hurt myself (a rare thing, really) with safety pins on my left thigh so it would hurt the most when I walk around. I'm not entirely sure why I do it, just to feel the pain and tell myself I deserve it, I guess. I'm trying to be optimistic, though. I just put healijg ointment on the tiny cuts and laughed at myself a little about the irony of it all. Like, what's the point of causing myself pain when all I'm going to do is make sure it heals and doesn't scar, you know?
Nobody who knows me knows that I do this, even rarely, so I try to keep it a secret and pray no scars form.
But, I'm good now. The attack is over, the mistake has been fixed. I just needed to tell somebody.