I Battle Depression and Anxiety

I remember when i used to come back from school and not care about anything around me. I would just watch my favourite disney channel programmes: That's so raven and Hannah Montana. I miss those days, where being a child was about having fun.

As i have increased by age, i believe you gain more responsibilities and you tend to care about other people's opinions. Growing up so fast has been a difficult time in my life, as i have changed as person and have been hurt by many. Life is about discovering who you are, doing what you love best and most importantly obeying and thanking the one who has brought me into this world, God.

At the age of 14, i have had social anxiety. I did not know anything about anxiety. I would always think that if my behaviour even exist or was there a fault in myself. Because i come from a culture wise family, my parents always believed that you know i was okay 'okay' and it was just a phase. I totally respect my parents because, they were born in a country where anxiety and depression was not acknowledged, i did not expect them to be understanding. I would always get a " build some confidence, look at your siblings how they are fine going out". I could not even eat out in public, i can't till this day as well and so much more that has affected my everyday living.

So as i grew up, my behaviour would get worse when i was around people. My heart would start pounding, my hands and parts of my body would start to sweat, i would struggle to make eye contact with anyone including my family and i would have mental breakdowns. So, i remember browsing on the internet i was trying to find out what was wrong with me and why i behavioured in this manner. The first thing that came up was 'anxiety and panic attacks.' I remember relating to every aspect that was mentioned on the website and i kept researching for hours.

I would stay in my room all day after i would come back from high school. Every summer holidays for 6 weeks, i did not go out of the house so i could avoid people and i soon become a fond of my own company. My parents became more and more concerned, so did my siblings and cousins as they noticed that my behaviour was abnormal. Yet i made sure that my situation was not brought up as much and avoided my family bringing it up. I'm still the same today- which has stopped me from getting a job as i have walked out on many interviews.

Because of all this, i lost one of my best friends ( we were best friends since the age of 3), and that had a huge impact on my teenage years. I lost confidence, more close friends and eventually struggled to engage and make friends with others. I didn't have any friends and i still don't. Later on in the year, i believe i went into depression as the things i used to enjoy the most i disliked. I starting gaining weight as staying in all day and eating lots of junk food gave me some sort of protection, crying to myself and saying i am worthless was a habit and i would sleep more and some days not sleep at all because thinking about myself living was worthless. It is a deepside and i struggle so much.

At College, i have a wellbeing office where you can talk about how you feel and your problems. Whilst i was in a middle of a lesson, i started breaking down into tears and bad thoughts were crossing my mind. That is when i said to myself help is needed and i need to tell someone today and now. So i rushed to the office and as the woman at the wellbeing office said to me " as you walked in, i could see the tension on your face and it must've took a lot of courage for you to visit me." She was right, it was very very difficult for me considering no one knew about what i was going through.

I felt SO much better when i shared how i felt with someone. The feeling that i was experiencing at the moment was as if i all that weight just brushed off from my shoulders. It was such a relief. The woman suggested i would go visit my GP because, she believed i needed to be on medication and see a counsellor.

I did make a doctors appointment. However, when i went i did not mention the main the reason why i came here in the first place. I just mentioned something else to avoid the whole point of me coming. It was my anxiety telling me to not say anything...

In conclusion, till this day i have not seeked medical advice, and i hope i have the courage to. I'f you are struggling with anything that may affect your everyday life, then i advice you to tell someone around you or your GP. Keeping it in like i did is not a good idea. it makes the situation worse.

For anyone who is still young and 'stress free', live your life. Build memories, do not be afraid for who you are and keep your loved ones close to you. People come and go, and that is a part of learning an important lesson in your life... 'You win some and you lose some' And don't take that lesson as a way of feeling like it is your fault because, i believe that whatever happens in your life good or bad, happens for a good reason.