I Will Always Remember You
Last Thursday, Halloween, marked a year since I was forced to say goodbye to you. The scene still plays in my mind daily: it's 1:30am, and as I cradle you tightly in my arms, Dr. Reynolds softly tells me "Raven has passed away". My heart was shattered into millions of pieces. Eighteen unreal years with you as my constant companion DESTROYED with one injection of barbiturates.
Where does the time go, my sweet girl...my sweet, beautiful, tiny, gorgeous, LOYAL girl. I'll always be grateful that you stayed by my side no matter what for eighteen years. My days always started and ended with you. When you were younger you'd follow me to the door as I'd leave every morning, regardless if it was for high school, college and eventually the work world, and stare at me with this look of sadness in your eyes. And, according to my mother, you'd howl as soon I'd close that door. You also would greet me at the door when I came home. You did that for NO ONE ELSE but me. It was never lost on me and it made my heart melt every time. Breaks my heart to think about now.
I do my best to think of the memories, I've eighteen years worth of them after all. But watching you slip away from me in real time is the nightmare of ALL nightmares - more so than even my own brother's passing this past summer. The last year has been hell. I lost my cousin to a heroin overdose eleven days before I lost you, and that's the official beginning of my downward spiral. But losing you absolutely GUTTED me and still does everyday.
Before my brother died I was very close to ending my own life. I even planned it out to the point that it gave me a hard on! A bath tub, my cleaver, "Clare De Lune" on repeat until my landlord got the hint, and your picture and ashes on the edge of the tub. I've evidently put that hold since then. But I can't help but wonder: would you have been there waiting for me? I don't believe in God or spirits. But if they do exist, would you have been there to greet me, so I could hold you yet again, so we could roam this shithead world as free spirits together, NEVER to be separated again? Ever?
Oh I'd do anything for that. I'm already lifeless inside. I've nothing to live for...except you. I miss you every single day, my soulmate, the love of my life.
Love always,
Daddy
Where does the time go, my sweet girl...my sweet, beautiful, tiny, gorgeous, LOYAL girl. I'll always be grateful that you stayed by my side no matter what for eighteen years. My days always started and ended with you. When you were younger you'd follow me to the door as I'd leave every morning, regardless if it was for high school, college and eventually the work world, and stare at me with this look of sadness in your eyes. And, according to my mother, you'd howl as soon I'd close that door. You also would greet me at the door when I came home. You did that for NO ONE ELSE but me. It was never lost on me and it made my heart melt every time. Breaks my heart to think about now.
I do my best to think of the memories, I've eighteen years worth of them after all. But watching you slip away from me in real time is the nightmare of ALL nightmares - more so than even my own brother's passing this past summer. The last year has been hell. I lost my cousin to a heroin overdose eleven days before I lost you, and that's the official beginning of my downward spiral. But losing you absolutely GUTTED me and still does everyday.
Before my brother died I was very close to ending my own life. I even planned it out to the point that it gave me a hard on! A bath tub, my cleaver, "Clare De Lune" on repeat until my landlord got the hint, and your picture and ashes on the edge of the tub. I've evidently put that hold since then. But I can't help but wonder: would you have been there waiting for me? I don't believe in God or spirits. But if they do exist, would you have been there to greet me, so I could hold you yet again, so we could roam this shithead world as free spirits together, NEVER to be separated again? Ever?
Oh I'd do anything for that. I'm already lifeless inside. I've nothing to live for...except you. I miss you every single day, my soulmate, the love of my life.
Love always,
Daddy
