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I Had A Fight With My Boyfriend

And it seems like a big one

I just flew home for the weekend and the boyfriend picked me up from the airport like the sweetie that he is. We got to my parent's house a few hours ago and were hanging out with m&d in the kitchen just chilling and talking.

Some background ... About three weeks ago I got invited to apply to something pretty prestigious. I'm currently in the Navy and this is not something that everyone does. I don't want to go into details, but it's kinda a big deal. I Skyped with mom about it and she was 100% completely against it. It would change the direction of the job I would have within the Navy and she was not in favor. Based on her reaction, I didn't tell the boyfriend about it at all. But I did tell my commanders that I was all in.

Anyway, fast forward back to tonight standing around the kitchen counter and my mom brings it up and looks at the boyfriend and says she hopes he can talk some sense into me. He played it cool at first but the look on his face made it pretty clear that this was the first he was hearing of it and he wasn't happy about that. Mom apologized to me quickly and said it looked like we needed to talk. Ya think? 🙄

Anyway, he and I walked out front and stood leaning on his truck for an hour "talking." Lot's of not nice things were said, some loudly. Finally he left saying he needed to go cool down before he said anything he didn't mean (as if everything he said up to that point he meant).

So I know I screwed up. Relationships are built on openness and trust. But nothing in this decision changes my total commitment time to the Navy (although it is a decision that would help advancement if I did decide to stay in longer). Ugh, anyway, instead of being out on a date, I'm sitting at the desk in my old room trying to figure out if he's going to call me.

About me: https://similarworlds.com/sarabee1995/info

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ShadowSister · 51-55, F

Yikes! I'm so sorry, Sara. Fights with your partner suck, especially bigger ones. Sounds like he's frustrated twice over, first with you not telling him, and second with your decision. I hope you both are able to patch things up.

I personally feel that the first big fight is the most critical part of a relationship. Either you learn how to resolve it in a way that is acceptable for both of you, or you realize this is not a good long-term fit.

When my ex told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, I told him we would have no idea until we see how we fight. And since we almost never fought, it took a long time to figure it out. When we finally did have our first argument, it was really crappy. We did NOT fight well at all. I didn't feel like he acknowledged my feelings at all, and nothing I said seemed to help us resolve things. In the end, he just wanted to sweep it under the rug and pretend everything was good, even though it wasn't. That's why, when the relationship was going downhill, I decided not to put the emotional work in to save it.

So I think this weekend is really important for you two. You'll be able to see how you navigate conflict. I hope you both strive hard to repair the relationship and honor each other's feelings. If you do, that's a really good sign for you both.

Sucks though. I know you were looking forward to this weekend. Good luck. I'm praying for you.

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@ShadowSister Okay, so if learning how one fights is a measure of a relationship, well I might be blowing it here. I'm digging my heels in one the one issue that he seems to need an answer to and his insistence that I make a decision I'm not ready to make is beginning to really make me mad.

He wants me to be able to tell him if I'm in the Navy for "four & out" or if I plan on extending. This whole thing has boiled down to that issue. Everything he said last night about being concerned for my safety seems to have evaporated as an issue for him. On my side, I am no where close to making that decision and I'm not going to make it now when the Navy doesn't even want to know for several more years.

ShadowSister · 51-55, F

I don't think you are blowing it. We could also frame the situation as him manipulating you because he wants an answer. That's no good either. So I think the conversation right now needs to be NOT about your decision, but rather a conversation about the WAY you have conversations. It sounds like you are very unhappy with his demands on you. I would ask him to shelve the issue itself and ask him to talk about how you talk to each other when you are angry. That's a different conversation, and one that I think can be a lot more fruitful.

Good luck!

ShadowSister · 51-55, F

Also, I assume you apologized for not telling him. I get why you didn't. I hope he gets that too.

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@ShadowSister Hmmm... apologized? 🤔 Kinda, but it wasn't an unqualified apology. Let me explain ...

I see the fundamental issue being that he and I see our relationship as being at dramatically different levels. This past Christmas he expressed feelings for me that he had been harboring for years. And I mean serious feelings, like he saw a future for us and everything. Life long stuff. I was a bit blown away because we were basically friends at that point (because I had previously friend-zoned him).

So anyway, he wanted to give "us" a real try. I immediately saw a problem: I didn't feel the same way. I wasn't emotionally in the same place. Not even close. He said he was okay with that.

Well, fast forward to today and where he is at in the relationship, decisions like the one I made would be joint decisions. But where I'm emotionally at in the relationship, this is a my life decision that I will inform him of when the time is right. I don't (yet) see the house and the picket fence so I don't think decisions I make about my life need to be made jointly or need to be disclosed in advance.

So did I apologize? Well, I apologize for hurting him, but not for making a decision about my life. And yes, if you're thinking this, he did not like that.

ShadowSister · 51-55, F

Ahh. So this is really about expectations of the relationship. So again, the conversation that needs to be had is about the conversation, in this case, expectations that one is bringing to the relationship.

But I think any relationship has an implicit expectation that you would at least *tell* your partner about something this big. I can see why he would be hurt by that. But it's not a joint decision if you say it's not. That choice is completely yours.

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@ShadowSister I've been trying to re-direct the conversation all day to what I just explained is the fundamental problem from my perspective. He insists that is not the problem. I'm working on it.

ShadowSister · 51-55, F

Ugh. It's hard to have a relationship when your partner refuses to have the conversation you want to have, and you think theirs is the wrong one.

Here's a few communication tools we used a lot in my marriage. It couldn't overcome the obstacle that I would never stop wanting to be myself, but it made the process towards the separation lots easier.

First tool was to sit and the table and hold hands as we talked. There's something about holding your partner's hand that makes it harder to become angry with them. It forces you to keep a level of intimacy.

Second was the take turns exercise. One partner tells their side and the other has to just listen. Then the other has to say back what their partner said but in their own words. They may not make their own comments, they only get to summarize what the other said. You don't get to move on until the first partner agrees that, yes, that sums up their side. Then switch roles. That exercise clears up so many misunderstandings because it prevents you from lashing out based on wrong assumptions.

I don't know, it sounds like he's not really wanting to treat this like a real argument though, so that's hard. He thinks it's about the issue itself but clearly it's not.

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@ShadowSister Last night "talking" outside for the hour that we did, I was holding his hand and wouldn't let go (even when he was loud). I don't get loud myself, at least not face-to-face, I did do plenty of screaming today out on my boat.

Today we've been talking on and off all day by phone, skype, text, etc. We haven't been together, but we will be for part of tomorrow.

ShadowSister · 51-55, F

Good luck. I'm rooting for you as a couple.

ShadowSister · 51-55, F

Okay, so as I read through the threads from @room101 and @Scribbles (Hi, old friends! It's InquisitiveShadow!), it seems clear to me now that he is acting how he is because he is trying desperately to keep you. I think he gets that you are on a slower timeframe than he is, but this is not about timeframes. Depending on your decision, it limits his options with you for the future. Of course he doesn't want to have a conversation about the conversation! He's just fighting to keep his SaraBee in his life. He wants to 'tame' her because he fears that if he doesn't, she'll run away and leave him. I'm sure he has no idea how controlling he is being, or how much it is pushing you away.

I disagree with Scribbles. I don't think it falls to you to break up with him. You've been up front with him about your commitment level. But I do think you want to force him to decide:
A. SaraBee
B. Picket fence
Choose one. He can never have both.

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@ShadowSister He reminds me all the time how much I love Cape Cod, and he's right. I have the waters of Nantucket Sound flowing through my veins and always will.

BUT whether it's the Navy or the State Department or some private security contractor or some international bank, my training and education will have me working somewhere else in the world and visiting the Cape when I can. I've been telling him that for five months straight now and it's pretty clear to me that he hasn't been believing me. 🤷‍♀️