I Had A Fight With My Boyfriend

@room101 I agree with your assessment of mom. She had every reason to expect that I had spoken to him already based on the conversation I had with her. She wasn't outing me.

And it was my intent to speak with him this weekend when we could be face-to-face. I did not like having to deal with mom's objections over Skype.

But as for him being part of the decision, I think I might disagree with you here. And this comes down to the nature of our relationship, right? He is upset because he already sees us in the long term; he already sees us heading to a church someday and exchanging vows. I'm not in the same place mentally. I've been floating in Nantucket Sound thinking about this all morning and that is what it comes down to. We are in different places emotionally and those different places dictate different behaviors and levels of consultation.

We've known since he emptied his heart to me back in December that he is much further along emotionally in "us" than I am. And he said he was okay with that. But I see this fight as a symptom that he really isn't okay with it. Of course if I was where he is emotionally, I would never have made a decision like this without calling him (and calling him before mom even). But that's not where I am. It is where he is. And that's the disconnect.

@sarabee1995 I understood, from what you've said to others, that you are both in different places in your relationship. However, that shouldn't preclude taking his feelings into account. In making him feel that you care enough about him to make him feel that he is important enough for you to include him in your decision making process. Particularly when that decision will undoubtedly have an impact on both of your lives.

There are a few similarities between your relationship with your boyfriend and my relationship with my girlfriend. We both knew each other for a very long time before we became a couple. She is ready for us to move in together, I'm not there yet. I've recently made a decision which will mean that I will be away from her for about a year. There is the possibility that I will be putting myself in a potentially dangerous situation for a part of that year.

The difference is that I have spoken to her about all of it. The conversations were not easy and, in many respects, are ongoing. I've done my best to reassure her that her views are important to me. But, I'm doing what I want and need to do.

I think that there is another difference between your relationship and mine. I do want us to move in together and maybe get married. Just not yet.

@room101 Okay, a comment and a couple questions...

I'm not in my relationship at the point where you are in yours. I could not tell you today that I want to move in with him someday and I definitely could not tell you that I might want to marry him someday. I simply have not even begun that thought process and my last five months have been focused on studying and training, not relationships.

Now, did you consult your girlfriend prior to making your decision about the year?

Did you consult her before taking ANY action toward applying for this year opportunity?

All that's happened in my case is I've been invited to apply and I've said, okay I'll apply. No further decisions have been made or can be made at this point.

@sarabee1995 OK, a couple of answers and a comment 😉

Yes, I did consult my girlfriend about not moving in together. And yes, I did consult her about my future plans.

We had spoken about where our relationship was heading and had agreed that we both valued our independence. However, I got the vibe that she was saying what I wanted to hear, that she did indeed want us to move in together but knew that I had/have personal issues that I need to resolve before we take that step. So, I spoke to her about it. She came clean but assured me that she understood where I'm at (in my head) and would support me accordingly.

I then came up with the idea of taking off for a year or so. I told her about it. I told her where I want to go and why. She is concerned. She is maybe afraid that I won't come back. She is concerned about my safety. She doesn't want me to do it. And, like your mum, has roped in my fave cousins and their spouses to help dissuade me. That back-fired big time lol. They all understand how much I need to do this. Even my number one niece is all for it. She's even more of an adventurer than me.

Perhaps you've learned a lesson here. When people say "I'm OK with that", what they really mean is:

"I'm OK with waiting until you feel as I do. But don't take too long in getting there."

But, to be honest, my original reply to you has very little to do with what people mean or the details of your application etc. It's to do with reassuring that person that they matter.

One final point. If you have not thought about your long term future with your boyfriend, then I would strongly recommend that you have a long conversation with yourself. He told you five months ago how he feels about you. You need to decide if you will ever feel the same about him.

@room101 When he told me that five months ago, I told him clearly and directly that I did not feel the same way and that I thought it would be a problem (us feeling so different). He said (and I reminded him of this today) that it was his problem, not mine and that he was okay with it.

You're suggesting that I have this conversation with myself about the future. My response is that I am no where close to that point in my life that I would need to be at in order to have that conversation. Five months ago I was casually seeing two people, this guy and a great girl back in Washington. Neither relationship was serious in my mind; both were just to fill a need for sanity while in this pressure cooker life that I've created for myself.

@sarabee1995 Time to be blunt!

This is not about how YOU feel and where YOU are in YOUR life. It's about showing some care and consideration for a person who loves you and has told you that he wants to live the rest of his life with you.

If you don't feel that way about him then, regardless of him saying that he's OK with the disconnect (as you put it) you need to let him go. You need to let him find somebody that does want to spend the rest of their life with him.

@room101 I agree.

@sara
A very long time ago, I was dating a guy in university casually and he started to get super serious about "us" to the point that it freaked me out a bit and needed to talk about it. A good friend and car-pool buddy at the time told me that you have GOT to let your partner go if you don't feel the same. Don't let it become an endless waiting game even if they say it's ok. It just hurts that person more. Push that person to find somebody else who does want married life with them right away.

Her advice made an impression on me...but then at one point she got fed up with me and my-"but I still like him"...and said "You need to accept that you need to breakup with him for both of your own good, or become the kind of woman who strings a guy along. I was really mad at her for like 4 hours, but realized she's not wrong and broke up with the guy later that week.

Anyway, take that as you will. lol

@room101 Roomie -- Please don't assume that I've been less honest or less blunt with him than I have been here with you all. I know this is not about me and my feelings and my stage of life. I've been talking about those things because you've been suggesting actions that are fundamentally incompatible with where I am at.

So what have I told him over the last five months? I've told him very clearly where my feelings are. I've told him not to try to put me behind that proverbial picket fence every time he talks about some kind of suburban future for us. And I finally banned him (asked strongly) from talking about futures at all. And I've suggested MANY times that I don't think I'm the girl he wants and that I'm never going to be that suburban housewife.

But what I haven't done is what you now suggest: dump him for his own good. Honestly, until this past weekend, that thought had never entered my mind. I have worried about hurting him which is why I've been, at times, brutally honest about feelings and futures, but I've always felt my job is to make sure he is fully informed so he can make good decisions for himself including, if need be, dumping me.

@Scribbles I don't ever want to be that which is why I've been very honest about my feelings and about my concern from the beginning that his feelings are so different. But it took his statement yesterday that he fears he might never be able to "tame" me for me to realize that he has been listening but not hearing me.

Somehow he has it in his head that it is his job to get a bridle around my neck and a saddle on my back and to break me. And then I'll realize that the suburban life he offers is what I need/want. That was the moment in all our talking this weekend when I realized that the problem was bigger than even I thought it was. He actually doesn't love me. He loves this imaginary version of me that he thinks he can create. 🤦‍♀️

I gave him a greatly expanded version of that thought to think about last night and told him we shouldn't speak for a few days. I'm leaving with the boat later this morning and heading back toward DC. I told him if he can wait the week until I get there, we can Skype like usual, but that I'll be hugging the coast to stay in cell range if he needs to talk sooner.

@sarabee1995 I know you got this, I'll send some tea or some of that soda pop you like by drone to your boat :)

@sarabee1995 I would never assume that you have been anything less than upfront with him. And yet, here you are 🤷‍♂️

@Scribbles Thanks! Some Lipton teabags would be quite nice actually! I discovered at lunch that I didn't bring any.

@room101 Yes, here I am. He was listening to me and I assumed he was hearing me. We shall see what the week brings.