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I Had A Fight With My Boyfriend

And it seems like a big one

I just flew home for the weekend and the boyfriend picked me up from the airport like the sweetie that he is. We got to my parent's house a few hours ago and were hanging out with m&d in the kitchen just chilling and talking.

Some background ... About three weeks ago I got invited to apply to something pretty prestigious. I'm currently in the Navy and this is not something that everyone does. I don't want to go into details, but it's kinda a big deal. I Skyped with mom about it and she was 100% completely against it. It would change the direction of the job I would have within the Navy and she was not in favor. Based on her reaction, I didn't tell the boyfriend about it at all. But I did tell my commanders that I was all in.

Anyway, fast forward back to tonight standing around the kitchen counter and my mom brings it up and looks at the boyfriend and says she hopes he can talk some sense into me. He played it cool at first but the look on his face made it pretty clear that this was the first he was hearing of it and he wasn't happy about that. Mom apologized to me quickly and said it looked like we needed to talk. Ya think? 🙄

Anyway, he and I walked out front and stood leaning on his truck for an hour "talking." Lot's of not nice things were said, some loudly. Finally he left saying he needed to go cool down before he said anything he didn't mean (as if everything he said up to that point he meant).

So I know I screwed up. Relationships are built on openness and trust. But nothing in this decision changes my total commitment time to the Navy (although it is a decision that would help advancement if I did decide to stay in longer). Ugh, anyway, instead of being out on a date, I'm sitting at the desk in my old room trying to figure out if he's going to call me.

About me: https://similarworlds.com/sarabee1995/info

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SW-User

Honestly if the decision changed how long you'd be away from him that might be a point worth him arguing, but as you clearly said it doesn't so he really doesn't have much of an argument from my perspective.

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@SW-User You're back! :)

Well that is exactly the point. This opportunity doesn't *require* me to extend, but it makes me extending far more likely. He knows this. So when we spoke early this morning, he directly asked me if I'm in for the four years after school or if I'm in for longer. I told him I couldn't answer that and he wasn't happy.

SW-User

@sarabee1995 I'm back :)

Hmm, well, he knew this was potentially your future when you enlisted and he decided to get involved with you knowing it is a possibility...

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@SW-User I've never said to anyone that it wasn't a possibility. But everyone sorta assumes that's the case. I don't know why?

SW-User

@sarabee1995 idk Sara. If he has an issue with your possible future maybe he should have evaluated those feelings before getting involved with you. Was it ever a surprise for him? I'm assuming he's known for a long time you were doing this?

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@SW-User He and I have been in touch with each other pretty much continuously since I graduated from high school. We weren't romantic then, but within a couple years we were (after sophomore year of college). He's told me recently that he's been in love with me since that summer after sophomore year when we dated. He hasn't actually proposed, but he has told me many times that he sees that in our future (he is now banned from making such comments). So even though we have not been dating continuously all this time, we've been in touch. It's just that I've friend-zoned him more than once.

But to your question, no, my joining the Navy was not a surprise for him. When I was talking to the Navy recruiter way back during the summer before senior year and into the fall, the boyfriend is one of the people I bounced things off of. At that time, he thought one of the two private industry job offers I had would've been a better choice, but he was right there as one of my close friends as I made the decision to go this way. He's known my thoughts and intentions the whole time and he knew all that this passed Christmas when he cornered me and finally expressed his full feelings and said he wanted to try "us".

SW-User

@sarabee1995 :| then he needs to "man up" and support you. It will be a hell of a lot easier with him faithfully by your side giving you moral support and being a source of strength knowing he has your back instead of fighting you on this decision.

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@SW-User No, I don't require support of anyone. That's his decision. He needs to decide if he meant what he said at Christmas when he told me that he was okay with him having these intense strong feelings for me and me not being there yet with him. The feelings he has for me, make him think that this decision should have been a joint decision. But from my side of things, we aren't at that point in our relationship yet where life decisions are joint decisions. The issue is the disparity in feelings and commitment.

SW-User

@sarabee1995 he needs to reconcile it then and you need to make your feelings clear, and actual sit-down discussion needs to happen here because you obviously aren't on the same page.

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@SW-User He knows my feelings very well. I haven't said anything here that I haven't told him. I think (I could be wrong) he was expecting me to magically catch up with him in the feels department. I'm not saying that couldn't happen someday, but this past five months I've been focused on school and training, not on relationship building.

And that goes again to the fundamental issue. I'm just not in that place in life with him or in general where my personal relationships are my top priority. I'm not.