I Want To Be Held And Told Everything Will Be Okay
I worked last night. I should be asleep because there is more work tonight. It's good work but I'm no good at work when I'm sleepy. It gets tricky around 5 am trying to stay awake without a good day's sleep the day before.
Melatonin does the trick usually but Saturday noon like clock work the tornado siren tests let me know it's working great!The sun is shining.No tornados today but just in case all is working well in the siren department. I make the mistake of looking at my phone. Innocently enough, I answer text messages from the kids. I read an interesting article on FB about how to clean your jewelry, the miniblinds and your trash can. I answer a quiz that comes in my email about fibromyalgia. Then I'm really awake and Gracie the dog needs to go out. She's eating something in the yard. I don't want to know. ugh.
I don't know why, I should pray or read my bible instead but I start to look at old emails. Why? I should delete them. They don't matter anymore. I don't matter to him anymore so why do I care? Why would I want to remember something that hurts like that? It was such a nice romance until it wasn't. Is it better that it ended so abruptly rather than fizzle out over time? Why after all this time do I feel like it just ended yesterday? Why am I entertaining this painful thoughts?
I am wasting my time. Wasting time that could be spent sleeping. What a waste of a great love! Why? I'm wasted. I sure hope he is happy. I hope it was worth it to him and made his life better because it came at a great cost to me. I am not okay. I don't think I ever will be. I hope I'm wrong but for now I'm at the bottom of the waste basket right where he left me if he ever cares to retrieve me. I'm crumpled and not the same, not attractive. Gone is the woman that was so hot for him, so giving of her heart. What a waste of a nice lady. I'm wasted I'm heartless. He wasted me, I sure hope it was worth it to him because I gave it all to him and he wasted it and there's nothing left for me.
I love him. I really hope he's happy. There's that part of me. I enjoy the other parts of my life and I'm grateful. My heart is gone though and I don't trust him or really want to try trust anyone else not like I did with him. It was reckless and I wasted myself. He wasted me. So while I love him and wish him well there's this heartless part of me, the heart that he crushed and threw away.
So my heartless sentiments from the bottom of the wastebasket where he left me are more like, 'I hope you get dementia and erectile dysfunction. Erectile dysfunction first then dementia.' Ha!
It really was good. That's why it still hurts. It's over. I don't understand. I've paid my dues. It's time to go on. I'm trying. I will try to sleep some more. Where's Gracie the dog?
Melatonin does the trick usually but Saturday noon like clock work the tornado siren tests let me know it's working great!The sun is shining.No tornados today but just in case all is working well in the siren department. I make the mistake of looking at my phone. Innocently enough, I answer text messages from the kids. I read an interesting article on FB about how to clean your jewelry, the miniblinds and your trash can. I answer a quiz that comes in my email about fibromyalgia. Then I'm really awake and Gracie the dog needs to go out. She's eating something in the yard. I don't want to know. ugh.
I don't know why, I should pray or read my bible instead but I start to look at old emails. Why? I should delete them. They don't matter anymore. I don't matter to him anymore so why do I care? Why would I want to remember something that hurts like that? It was such a nice romance until it wasn't. Is it better that it ended so abruptly rather than fizzle out over time? Why after all this time do I feel like it just ended yesterday? Why am I entertaining this painful thoughts?
I am wasting my time. Wasting time that could be spent sleeping. What a waste of a great love! Why? I'm wasted. I sure hope he is happy. I hope it was worth it to him and made his life better because it came at a great cost to me. I am not okay. I don't think I ever will be. I hope I'm wrong but for now I'm at the bottom of the waste basket right where he left me if he ever cares to retrieve me. I'm crumpled and not the same, not attractive. Gone is the woman that was so hot for him, so giving of her heart. What a waste of a nice lady. I'm wasted I'm heartless. He wasted me, I sure hope it was worth it to him because I gave it all to him and he wasted it and there's nothing left for me.
I love him. I really hope he's happy. There's that part of me. I enjoy the other parts of my life and I'm grateful. My heart is gone though and I don't trust him or really want to try trust anyone else not like I did with him. It was reckless and I wasted myself. He wasted me. So while I love him and wish him well there's this heartless part of me, the heart that he crushed and threw away.
So my heartless sentiments from the bottom of the wastebasket where he left me are more like, 'I hope you get dementia and erectile dysfunction. Erectile dysfunction first then dementia.' Ha!
It really was good. That's why it still hurts. It's over. I don't understand. I've paid my dues. It's time to go on. I'm trying. I will try to sleep some more. Where's Gracie the dog?
51-55, F
