I Am Tired of Having to Explain My Pain and Need of Pain Meds

I am but I can't even afford the medical marijuana I've been advised to try and sign up for by my pain doctor. They want like 150$ after registering on a site to approve it. It's crazy. That's not even taking into consideration the cost of going to a medical marijuana dispensary and buying it after obtaining the card to do so.

Eh, I'll just be broken forever and suffer from joint and back pain (Have 2 steel rods with many screws in my back from spinal fusion. Nearly whole spine was straightened.)

Yes I said broken too. From the outside you never would know because I hide it well while walking and getting around normally but bending and getting in and out of cars kills me. I just feel like who would really ever want a man suffering from pain unable to work anyways? I'm actually being honest with myself and taking a good look as if I were looking at myself and knew my problems as a stranger. If I was a woman with the knowledge about me I wouldn't want me or love me and look at myself as broken. It's just the truth.

So yea I'm probably depressed and venting but I'll just have to get over it. Just loneliness creeping over my heart. :(