I Often Wonder What If
What If?... Two years ago...
I wonder what would have happened if we kissed that night.
We were so close to it, forehead to forehead, in each others' arms.
But I just couldn't...
I had sobered up, but you were clearly still drunk, it just didn't feel right.
I like to think of that as the downward turning point of that, whatever you could call that... an 'almost relationship.'
I like to think that I saved us both from a bunch of sadness and heartbreak, because we would have only let each other down.
But none of that's probably true.
You gave me plenty of other chances. Like that night we spent the whole night talking together. Or the morning after, when we had breakfast, and said goodbye, and hugged me tightly, as you were leaving to go back home for winter break. You gave me every chance to express my affection for you, but I couldn't. I don't know what I was scared of. That you would reject me? You gave me clear signals that you liked me, I just couldn't act. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive myself for such cowardice.
Saved us both from heartbreak? Right. Convenient. To be honest, I think we would have been extremely happy. I've never really met anyone I connected so well with, in regards to personality, interests, culture. Barring unforeseen circumstances... I think we might have been something special. But I blew it. You gave me a whole semester of time to act, and I screwed up.
I think of you every now and then, and see you around campus once in a while. And when I do, I miss you something terrible. But that past is in the past, I can't fix things now. We've both moved onward with our lives, and to revisit things would probably be embarrassing and not be fruitful.
You were something special, but I can't live a life of regret. Yet, every now and then, especially when I'm missing you, I allow myself a little regret, and I wonder what if...
I wonder what would have happened if we kissed that night.
We were so close to it, forehead to forehead, in each others' arms.
But I just couldn't...
I had sobered up, but you were clearly still drunk, it just didn't feel right.
I like to think of that as the downward turning point of that, whatever you could call that... an 'almost relationship.'
I like to think that I saved us both from a bunch of sadness and heartbreak, because we would have only let each other down.
But none of that's probably true.
You gave me plenty of other chances. Like that night we spent the whole night talking together. Or the morning after, when we had breakfast, and said goodbye, and hugged me tightly, as you were leaving to go back home for winter break. You gave me every chance to express my affection for you, but I couldn't. I don't know what I was scared of. That you would reject me? You gave me clear signals that you liked me, I just couldn't act. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive myself for such cowardice.
Saved us both from heartbreak? Right. Convenient. To be honest, I think we would have been extremely happy. I've never really met anyone I connected so well with, in regards to personality, interests, culture. Barring unforeseen circumstances... I think we might have been something special. But I blew it. You gave me a whole semester of time to act, and I screwed up.
I think of you every now and then, and see you around campus once in a while. And when I do, I miss you something terrible. But that past is in the past, I can't fix things now. We've both moved onward with our lives, and to revisit things would probably be embarrassing and not be fruitful.
You were something special, but I can't live a life of regret. Yet, every now and then, especially when I'm missing you, I allow myself a little regret, and I wonder what if...
31-35, M