I Think Failed Relationships Change People
The longer the pain is drawn out, the more it hurts our relationship, and ruins chances for the future - if, indeed there is to be a future. I wish he would see that so that we could say good bye on an amiable note, with a nice little set up - keeping the door ajar as it were - for the future.
He doesn't realise it, but there's a part of me that would respect him more if he walked away now, attended fully to his current situation (especially as he says it would be completely against his ethics to walk out now) and then end that situation smoothly, so he could be with me in the future - again, if that is what is meant to be.
The past few days I have had a good, strong intention to say 'enough'. The only difficulty is that I experience probably exactly what he experiences when he considers ending it with me....complete and utter dread, loneliness and a deep depression. I don't think he wants us to end at all, ever. So there you go...neither of us have the courage to do it! Grrrrrrrrr! This is a pathetic excuse on my behalf - but I feel I can't do it because of the wonderful things he does for me - it's like it is always really bad timing!
My own feelings are so complex that sometimes, it's hard to know how much I love him, and why I am still drawn to him? Is it simply a desire to be loved? Is my heart simply hungry? Or is he the one person that makes me know how to laugh, and feel like I belong more than anyone else I've met? Does he love me more than I love him?
I put up so many walls even I get lost in my own maze. Never listen to my words. Look at my actions.
I had the option to travel to the other side of the world, yet I chose to stay just close enough to keep things going, at a push. I mull over all the reasons why I need to end it, and block him on my phone for short periods, yet drop all plans when I know he is coming to town.
I think I'm so conflicted! But the answer is simple. I just want him all to myself. I want to feel loved so intensely, just like he loves me, when we are together.
But right now, I don't have that. And I am getting rather pissed off that I'm not getting what I want!
Can I find a love as intense and all consuming with someone else? To find out, I need to let him go. If it doesn't work out with others, at least I know where to go to get him back.
And I bloody deserve better! I shouldn't have to wait! We only get one life and I've already wasted enough time. I desperately want to believe everything he says, but I know from experience not to trust a man's words.
If he doesn't love me enough to come and find me, then he is not worth it (I worry this is a little cruel currently given his situation may have been forced upon him?)
Stop. Take a deep breath. Too many thoughts pulling me in a myriad of directions! I'm going to gather my strength and do the right thing for a change. The fog and the pain and the dread is going to end. I refuse to let other people keep on dragging me down! I am going to make my own HAPPINESS.
Gents, I'm taking control.
He doesn't realise it, but there's a part of me that would respect him more if he walked away now, attended fully to his current situation (especially as he says it would be completely against his ethics to walk out now) and then end that situation smoothly, so he could be with me in the future - again, if that is what is meant to be.
The past few days I have had a good, strong intention to say 'enough'. The only difficulty is that I experience probably exactly what he experiences when he considers ending it with me....complete and utter dread, loneliness and a deep depression. I don't think he wants us to end at all, ever. So there you go...neither of us have the courage to do it! Grrrrrrrrr! This is a pathetic excuse on my behalf - but I feel I can't do it because of the wonderful things he does for me - it's like it is always really bad timing!
My own feelings are so complex that sometimes, it's hard to know how much I love him, and why I am still drawn to him? Is it simply a desire to be loved? Is my heart simply hungry? Or is he the one person that makes me know how to laugh, and feel like I belong more than anyone else I've met? Does he love me more than I love him?
I put up so many walls even I get lost in my own maze. Never listen to my words. Look at my actions.
I had the option to travel to the other side of the world, yet I chose to stay just close enough to keep things going, at a push. I mull over all the reasons why I need to end it, and block him on my phone for short periods, yet drop all plans when I know he is coming to town.
I think I'm so conflicted! But the answer is simple. I just want him all to myself. I want to feel loved so intensely, just like he loves me, when we are together.
But right now, I don't have that. And I am getting rather pissed off that I'm not getting what I want!
Can I find a love as intense and all consuming with someone else? To find out, I need to let him go. If it doesn't work out with others, at least I know where to go to get him back.
And I bloody deserve better! I shouldn't have to wait! We only get one life and I've already wasted enough time. I desperately want to believe everything he says, but I know from experience not to trust a man's words.
If he doesn't love me enough to come and find me, then he is not worth it (I worry this is a little cruel currently given his situation may have been forced upon him?)
Stop. Take a deep breath. Too many thoughts pulling me in a myriad of directions! I'm going to gather my strength and do the right thing for a change. The fog and the pain and the dread is going to end. I refuse to let other people keep on dragging me down! I am going to make my own HAPPINESS.
Gents, I'm taking control.
36-40
