I Have Changed

I'm slowly getting over being the victim of a physically abusive relationship. I've cycled through so many emotions since then, it's hard to even be sure of who I am anymore. Lately I've been angry and sad, fearful, depressed, anxious, pensive, hopeless... hopeful. And all of these emotions can happen over the course of one night.

I don't look at men the same way anymore. I am changed, and it hurts.

I just wish I could have a friend. Someone that isn't trying to take advantage of me and can just be there for me when I need a hug and nothing more.

I've tried talking to males that I thought were friends, recently, and as soon as they learn that I'm single, it seems like their predatory instinct comes out. They begin to look me up and down. Touch my hair and shoulders a little more they had before, playing it off as 'friendly nudges'. I feel anxious in all situations now.

I talk to my girl friends when I can, but I haven't told them what's going on with me yet. I'm not sure if it's the shame, or if I just don't want to burden them with the stuff I'm going through. I see a therapist, but I'm not sure how that's working out so far.

This is so hard. I just wish I could be fearless me again.