I Am Moving Forward
I almost deleted my account because of you. It's been over two months and you have completely frozen me out. You were more than a mentor to me. You were my confidant, a very close friend. But my decisions, and pace in figuring things out were not good enough for you. Maybe it's that, or the fact that I no longer wrote as frequently as I used to. But that's what happens when I finally began to learn to live for my own sake. While your opinions mattered still, they didn't matter as much because I was finally learning to use my own mind to find happiness instead of your suggestions. It didn't make you any less important. I waited for you for two months and some change. And still. Nothing. So now I know it's over. Our four-year friendship is over. I grew to love you and appreciate you in my life. Even though the way you often think was bizarre to me and your advices were a bit harsh and extremely opinionated, I still valued your every word. You are not God. Your every advice was not perfect and neither was your way of thinking. If it was, you would have had a perfect life. But the harsh reality is that no one has a perfect life. We are born in this world with the mind that we were given and the smart ones learn to use it the best way they can to be happy. You found your happiness and I am learning to find mine. But don't think for a second that using your mind and your beliefs on my own life would make me happy, because that has always just been impossible. You are a while musician who grew up in the 60s. I am a black girl who migrated to America at 8 and met you much after I realized how screwed up my life was becoming.
No matter what you said to me or taught me, I could never learn to think like you. My heart and my mind were not designed that way. My parents screwed up. And the people I needed in my life abandoned me when I needed them most. But my sense of vulnerability did not mean that I had no right to think for myself. Just like you eventually learned to think for yourself, I am doing the same. It's taking me a long time to figure it out but I am learning to be okay with that. My story is complex and filled with twists and turns. If it took me a short amount of time to get it together, it would only mean that my issues were not as big as I allowed them to be. I know that I work at a slow pace, that's a fact that I am well aware of. But in your eyes, I was a protege that simply wouldn't meet the standards. You wanted to transform my mind into your own. Morph me from 20 year old black female immigrant that I have grown up from to a 60 something year old male musician who grew up in America. Being there for me was no longer enough. You wanted to change all of the good inside me that makes me who I am. You saw what I had been through and decided that everything inside me needed to change. Needed to become more like you. And even though I did not know it then, it is clear to me now that who I am deep under, can never be changed. So if that was your intent all along, to morph me into a version of you, then you truly did waste almost five years on me.
Like you know very well, my sources for comfort and advice are very limited and at this moment I am faced with times harder than the others. And what have you done now? You've further limited them because you got tired, or angry or whatever feeling that caused you to give up on me.
Being in Spain for the entire year, I am finally understanding the heaviness of my decision. On days like today, I wish I could take my decision back (though I'm sure if I could go back I wouldn't have changed a thing). My first 'relationship' has taken a nosedive, which, even though I tried to ready myself for it before it even began, I am still struggling with my journey with all of the pain I feel from it. I cared about this guy more than any other. I even shared my first time with him along with details of my life that I have not shared with my closest friends. So seeing the way things are turning out now has me at my weakest. I did not see this coming. And I am seriously thinking about breaking things off with him.
What makes things harder is not only that I don't have you to share it with, but also that I have decided to let the skeletons of my past rest in peace. I didn't realize the pain that it would entail. When I relinquished the blame I put on other people for my problems, I didn't realize how heavy it would make me feel. How lonely, as it has forced me to look to other methods to solve my problems. I gave up on my brother. I have made peace with the reality that he, like myself, is a product of my parent's mistakes, and will never be the support that I should have had. The difference between me and him is that I have acknowledged that I need fixing. He's no longer my responsibility. He' caused me too much pain, has hurt me far too much for me to focus another second of my time on him.
As for my parents. You always thought that I should disrespect them for abandoning me in the different ways that they had, and that I should repeatedly beat them in the head with the reality that they left me with but I can proudly say now that I am through with that. I am still recovering from their ignorance and their mistakes, but that's all that they ever were. Ignorant minds and foolish mistakes. Why should I further punish two people who can absolutely do nothing to make amends? I am 20 years old. I will be 21 in 4 short months. Why waste another second of my time repeating them things that they will not understand and take offense to? I'm alone enough as it is. I know my truth and I am happy to say that that's enough for me to keep moving forward. Unlike your beliefs, they are trying their best from what they grew up to believe (another thing that you fail at understanding: that not everyone in the world thinks like you. And that if they don't, it's not necessarily a bad thing (not saying neither of my parents are sane. But this is a fact). And from what they are offering, I will take what I can get. My father has chosen his own life over a relationship with me. Screw it. If I need a good laugh or some advice, he's always only a phone call away. My mom does not know the definition of motherhood, but she takes care of all of my financial obligations. What more can I ask for? Why should I push them away for not being 'perfect'? for not being like you? Screw all of that anger, screw all of that time wasted on people who don't know any better. While I am in a different continent, it is time for me to focus on me while still maintaining my parents in my life regardless of the mistakes that they have made. One thing I've learned is that if you beat a blind horse long and hard enough, it does even less for you than it did to begin with. As long as my freedom and happiness are not threatened, they will not hear another word of their mistakes from me ever again.
While I do miss you terribly, all I can say is that it's time to move on with the only life that I have. I have made big strides with you. You helped me grow these past years. You introduced me to therapy and the importance of self-love and open sexuality. You've taught me how to be human. But I will not allow you to become my source of sadness. I will think only good thoughts of you. I will be grateful every moment I look at myself and feel love. I will remember how you were always there for me when I was just a sad girl with no vision for herself. But I will not let anything about your abandonment cause me to be sad or depressed. Not this gal. I will keep all of your advices with me along with the grains of salt that they mandated and I will move forward like the Black Queen that I am.
I don't expect to ever hear from you again, so consider this our goodbye. You have abandoned me out of the blue, and that's okay. By doing so, you've probably made the right decision for yourself. Like I've said before, everyone thinks differently and what I gave was not enough for you. I have stories to write and experiences to have. And I'll me a damned fool if I let this get in my way. I hope somewhere out there someone like you has had the same influence on another lost soul who had no idea how to move forward with her own two feet.
XOXO
-Mirabal
No matter what you said to me or taught me, I could never learn to think like you. My heart and my mind were not designed that way. My parents screwed up. And the people I needed in my life abandoned me when I needed them most. But my sense of vulnerability did not mean that I had no right to think for myself. Just like you eventually learned to think for yourself, I am doing the same. It's taking me a long time to figure it out but I am learning to be okay with that. My story is complex and filled with twists and turns. If it took me a short amount of time to get it together, it would only mean that my issues were not as big as I allowed them to be. I know that I work at a slow pace, that's a fact that I am well aware of. But in your eyes, I was a protege that simply wouldn't meet the standards. You wanted to transform my mind into your own. Morph me from 20 year old black female immigrant that I have grown up from to a 60 something year old male musician who grew up in America. Being there for me was no longer enough. You wanted to change all of the good inside me that makes me who I am. You saw what I had been through and decided that everything inside me needed to change. Needed to become more like you. And even though I did not know it then, it is clear to me now that who I am deep under, can never be changed. So if that was your intent all along, to morph me into a version of you, then you truly did waste almost five years on me.
Like you know very well, my sources for comfort and advice are very limited and at this moment I am faced with times harder than the others. And what have you done now? You've further limited them because you got tired, or angry or whatever feeling that caused you to give up on me.
Being in Spain for the entire year, I am finally understanding the heaviness of my decision. On days like today, I wish I could take my decision back (though I'm sure if I could go back I wouldn't have changed a thing). My first 'relationship' has taken a nosedive, which, even though I tried to ready myself for it before it even began, I am still struggling with my journey with all of the pain I feel from it. I cared about this guy more than any other. I even shared my first time with him along with details of my life that I have not shared with my closest friends. So seeing the way things are turning out now has me at my weakest. I did not see this coming. And I am seriously thinking about breaking things off with him.
What makes things harder is not only that I don't have you to share it with, but also that I have decided to let the skeletons of my past rest in peace. I didn't realize the pain that it would entail. When I relinquished the blame I put on other people for my problems, I didn't realize how heavy it would make me feel. How lonely, as it has forced me to look to other methods to solve my problems. I gave up on my brother. I have made peace with the reality that he, like myself, is a product of my parent's mistakes, and will never be the support that I should have had. The difference between me and him is that I have acknowledged that I need fixing. He's no longer my responsibility. He' caused me too much pain, has hurt me far too much for me to focus another second of my time on him.
As for my parents. You always thought that I should disrespect them for abandoning me in the different ways that they had, and that I should repeatedly beat them in the head with the reality that they left me with but I can proudly say now that I am through with that. I am still recovering from their ignorance and their mistakes, but that's all that they ever were. Ignorant minds and foolish mistakes. Why should I further punish two people who can absolutely do nothing to make amends? I am 20 years old. I will be 21 in 4 short months. Why waste another second of my time repeating them things that they will not understand and take offense to? I'm alone enough as it is. I know my truth and I am happy to say that that's enough for me to keep moving forward. Unlike your beliefs, they are trying their best from what they grew up to believe (another thing that you fail at understanding: that not everyone in the world thinks like you. And that if they don't, it's not necessarily a bad thing (not saying neither of my parents are sane. But this is a fact). And from what they are offering, I will take what I can get. My father has chosen his own life over a relationship with me. Screw it. If I need a good laugh or some advice, he's always only a phone call away. My mom does not know the definition of motherhood, but she takes care of all of my financial obligations. What more can I ask for? Why should I push them away for not being 'perfect'? for not being like you? Screw all of that anger, screw all of that time wasted on people who don't know any better. While I am in a different continent, it is time for me to focus on me while still maintaining my parents in my life regardless of the mistakes that they have made. One thing I've learned is that if you beat a blind horse long and hard enough, it does even less for you than it did to begin with. As long as my freedom and happiness are not threatened, they will not hear another word of their mistakes from me ever again.
While I do miss you terribly, all I can say is that it's time to move on with the only life that I have. I have made big strides with you. You helped me grow these past years. You introduced me to therapy and the importance of self-love and open sexuality. You've taught me how to be human. But I will not allow you to become my source of sadness. I will think only good thoughts of you. I will be grateful every moment I look at myself and feel love. I will remember how you were always there for me when I was just a sad girl with no vision for herself. But I will not let anything about your abandonment cause me to be sad or depressed. Not this gal. I will keep all of your advices with me along with the grains of salt that they mandated and I will move forward like the Black Queen that I am.
I don't expect to ever hear from you again, so consider this our goodbye. You have abandoned me out of the blue, and that's okay. By doing so, you've probably made the right decision for yourself. Like I've said before, everyone thinks differently and what I gave was not enough for you. I have stories to write and experiences to have. And I'll me a damned fool if I let this get in my way. I hope somewhere out there someone like you has had the same influence on another lost soul who had no idea how to move forward with her own two feet.
XOXO
-Mirabal
26-30, M
