This is basically a rant, so scroll past if you aren't interested. But also, it's me looking for a tiny bit of guidance.

Sorry about the length. And sorry if this seems like a trivial tiff.

I have a friend who is very ill, almost constantly. On March 3rd I had asked him not to call me, because it was the day following my second vaccination for Covid19. I was pretty sure I would either feel ill or tired the day following, and I just thought it was best not to speak to him when I was not at my best.

He forgot. He forgets everything I tell him, really. He called me because he was looking for a more intelligent word or expression to use when emailing a truck dealer, to express that he wants a bigger discount to help defray his travel expenses.

We were fine until I moved slightly. That caused my cell phone to be staticky. (Is that a word?) 🤣. He started to complain about the connection, because he has difficulty hearing. But then I realized how cold it had become in the room. It was getting dark. The draperies were open for the cat to look outside. I decided to get up and pull the drapes.

That set him off. He began to lecture me in earnest, about walking around the room when I KNOW that my connection will be bad if I do, and I KNOW he can't hear me when I do that, and he just hit my last nerve, and I began to shout at him, telling him, " I DON'T CARE!!!!!"

I meant that I did not care that he couldn't hear me...that I deserved to be able to pull the drapes shut...that I didn't deserve to have to sit there half frozen...and that his need for a stupid WORD was not more important than my RIGHT to move about the room if need be. Of course I didn't get the chance to express any of that, because he hung up on me.

Truth to tell, I was glad. A week went by, and he did not call me. I thought to myself, "That's fine. I don't need to listen to that." Then two weeks went by, and then three. I was worried about him. He has lung cancer, and the C. Difficile super bug. I had taken him to the hospital in Boston for a surgical procedure at the end of January for it. I had no way to know if he was still all right.

But it seems that I am too stubborn to be kind to him or to myself, and I refused to be the one who called him after that sort of treatment, even though I was worried. I suppose it was a no win sort of situation, anyway.

Almost three weeks to the day, however, he began to send me emails. It seems he was lonely, and began to go through his old email, and found there the e-cards I sent to him on his birthday and on Valentines day. It was heartbreaking, for him to write to me and tell me that it made him feel so much better to look at those cards, especially the one with the piano playing. He apologized, and tried to explain that he has no patience or tolerance for anything right now. Then he asked me for my full address. I am not sure why. I sent him my address, but did not really communicate. For a wordy person like myself, that's tantamount to complete silence...🤣.

Then he sent another email, that night, asking me with emphasis if I no longer wanted food???
(He goes to two local food pantries, and normally he gives me and another of his friends all the food he can't use or won't eat).

This time I did write back, explaining that we have already talked about this and he has forgotten that he has C. Difficile, a super bug, and that the spores of C. Difficile, after they leave the body, can live on surfaces for a few months, or as long as several years. I reminded him that he is constantly re-infected with it, meaning that he is not cleaning properly, and that the food he is touching, as he sorts it, is probably now infected, and that I desperately do NOT want C. Difficile.

He responded, " ok, 👍".

Now it would seem that all has been said, and done, and that he really doesn't want to speak to me, but I am conflicted. I have been concerned about him for a long time, and I feel guilty that we are coming near the end of his life and I can no longer speak to him to see how his health is progressing, and at the same time I am relieved, because he is so one way, and normally just calls me to unload, and he continues to develop "new" symptoms all the time, and some of it is just ridiculous. (For example, he decided that even though he was tested and he has not had Covid19, he has now convinced himself that he DID have it in November of 2019, and all of his symptoms are now symptoms of long term Covid19.)(Even though he felt almost exactly this way five years before Covid19 appeared).

I am trying to decide whether I should [i]not[/i] call him to check on his health, basically, and re-open the door once again for a world of aggravation and hurt for myself. I am trying to decide whether to be selfish and think only of my own feelings, so that my near future will be calmer and more peaceful.