I Am a Writer
[b]Truce...?[/b]
Hey, Guys
There are a thousand words on the tip of my tongue
I have feared sharing them with you for years.
I don't wanna hurt you, I just want you to see
Everything that you really did to me, whether you meant to or not
I don't want to fight, i just want you to know
That I haven't been okay, I've had to kill a lot of demons because of you.
But I'm quite alright now, because My God specializes in killing demons
And healing hearts
And changing lives
Mom and Dad
I don't know if you meant to,
But You taught me
"All my actions would have equal and opposite reactions"
You taught me I deserve every bad thing to ever happen.
You taught me I deserved your rage, your wrath, your hate
You taught me how to hurt the woman that I love the most.
You taught me this, that
If I mess with the bull
I get the horns, But nobody told
me this, that
Some people will charge me
Because of what's messed up in their heart
And I got the horns my whole life
So I must be to blame
for all my pain
Not anymore
pain out the door, GONE
It seems You needed a target
So you spilled your red paint on me
And kicked your feet, backing up
To end me, the reason
for your rage
I'm not the reason for your rage
I'm not the enemy
It's inside you, Dad
Dad, it's inside your heart
I'm scared of what's in your head
all the things you've done to me, that you've said
Making me wish for my death
I pray,
GOD PUT THESE MEMORIES TO DEATH!
HELP ME BUILD A BRIDGE OVER BLOODY WATER
MAKE THEIR HEARTS CLEAN, MAKE MY HEART CLEAN
I'M DESPERATE FOR YOU TO DO
SOMETHING ANYTHING TO
DRAIN THIS BAD BLOOD
I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER
ANY OF IT ANYMORE
I WANT TO MOVE ON
I WANT TO MOVE FORWARD
I CAN'T CARRY MY APPREHENSION AND RAGE
TO THE GRAVE
YES, YOU HURT ME
AND MAYBE
YOU DON'T BELIEVE THAT YOU DID
BUT YOU GOTTA KNOW THAT'S WHY I LEFT
AND I CAN'T OUTLINE ALL OF THE TIMES
YOU HURT MY HEART, AND I DON'T CARE TO.
BUT I GOTTA ASK YOU
TO RESPECT MY CHOICES
I GOTTA ASK YOU
TO PUT OUR PAST TO DEATH, LET IT LIE THERE IN THE DUST
DON'T BRING IT BACK TO LIFE EVER AGAIN, WE CANNOT STAY IN THE PAST
AND YOU GOTTA REMEMBER THAT I AM NOT
WHO YOU THOUGHT I'D BE
I NEVER WAS, I NEVER WILL BE
BUT I WILL ALWAYS BE 100% ME
I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING THAT YOU
WANTED ME TO DO FOR YOU
IN FACT I KNOW IVE DONE QUITE THE OPPOSITE
I WILL NEVER BE
WHAT MY SISTER ENDED UP BEING
BECAUSE GOD HAS WRITTEN A DIFFERENT STORY
FOR HER THAN HE WROTE FOR ME
BUT PLEASE, MOM AND DAD
KNOW THIS
I AM HAPPY
I AM ALIVE
I'm... living a life that I Love.
One that honors this God of yours, this God of mine, this God of ours
That you always prayed to to bring my sister and I close, that you always wanted us to find.
I... I Do love you in a certain kind of way
But Mom and Dad, we've never been quite right
My whole life I feel we've gone back and forth
between hate and tolerance.
I hate that I've never Loved you the way I feel I should
We never had that connection
I never felt like your son, no
I never felt like your son.
There isn't a day that I don't think of you
I pray for you, I hope that you have what you need
But I pray for me too, That God keeps you
Away from me, don't come near, stay far away
And I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate the way I think of You.
I never truly have loved you
And I know it hurts, but believe me, please
When I say I want to learn to, I want to learn who
You guys are underneath the pain, I only really know your names and birthdays now
I know you have no clue of any of these bees in my breath, I've been too scared to tell you until now.
I know you don't know about the times I've tried to end my life
to escape the hell I've been put through, because I'm scared you'll tell me I'm stupid.
I know you don't know, and maybe you will never know
Because I don't know if It's right to tell you these things I hide behind my eyes.
Maybe a Father and Mother should never know what they did to their son.
All you know is I left and it never sat right with you
I ran away on roads that only run one way and I didn't look back at you
And I've sworn that I'll never come back to that beautiful house that I love
Because there are demons there that will always remember my name
And that corner of my room will never fade away
And every Christmas Eve, some small corner of me remembers
The way your fingers felt around my throat as my eyes begged you to stop.
I want to get rid of these bees in my breath
They sting me daily, their poison is running in my veins, I can feel it killing me
My heart is so heavy
This heart is so heavy for me to carry
These chains around my lungs make it hard to breathe
I've been choking on this rock in my throat for a long time
So please, Mom
Please, Dad
Help me kill our past.
Help me remove your hand from my throat that christmas eve.
Please help me forget
That you don't get along with my ADHD
Please understand that I write dark things
Because My mind is a dark place sometimes.
Please Love me for who I am
Don't expect me to be who you want me to be
Because I think you told me once
That what you wanted the most for me
Was to be happy. And save for this thorn in my side
I am happy.
Please forgive me
When I flinch
Please forgive me
When I get defensive, or seem distant
For this heart of mine is healing slowly
From 20 years of war
For this mind of mine remembers what your anger feels like
For these bones of mine remember the impact of your bodies on mine
And Every day I see more and more of me that points to every part of you, good and bad
And Every Day I learn new things that you did to me that I didn't even know about
And Every Day I learn new things that you did for me that I didn't even know about
And Every day I unpack suitcase after suitcase and put away the baggage that's crammed into my heart
And Every day I ask God to take some of these clothes because I know they don't fit
And Everyday I find new ways you killed me
And Every day I don't call you, I know it kills you, because the last time I heard your voice I heard it crack because you missed my voice
Help me kill our past
If we work together to pursue what true love is
We can do this, Mom
We can do this, Dad
And I'm doin' alright
I don't need your finances right now
Please keep your money
You cannot buy my love
With currency
With worldly things
I don't want them anymore
That's all you've given me, and thank you
Thank you so much
But I just want
You.
My love is purchased
with love returned
Give me your hearts,
Give me your Joy
Give me your Pride
Show me you're proud of the Man I've Become Despite my Anger
Show me you're happy for me
Now this is not conditional
But these are conditions
That must be met
If we want to save our family
If your prodigal son is going to come home.
Be Patient with me, my mind is not like others' minds.
I will be patient with you, remember that you are human like me.
Speak life to me, be kind to me, encourage me.
I will do the same.
Do not dishonor me, tear me down, I will not take it anymore. I'm no victim, Im a man of God, I have accomplished much. I will not be ridiculed. I will not be mocked.
Similarly I will honor you as God has instructed me to.
Do not seek your own gain in this.
In the past I only kept you around so you would help me when I need it. I'm sorry. I will not do this anymore.
Hide your rage from me, but do not be afraid to tell me about what makes you upset.
Do not touch me, Do not raise a hand to me, Do not scream at me, We are adults and we must find a way to get past our differences.
This part of you I took on myself, the rage, the screaming, the hitting. I'm working on walking away calmly, saying "I need to step out" and returning when I am able to be civil.
Keep no record of wrongs. This something we both need to do. I have a list of thousands of times in my mind that you have hurt me, and I want to burn it and walk away from it.
Jesus Christ died for this kind of love. For this to work fundamentally we need to mentally let go of ev-erything that has happened between you and me.
Do not seek my destruction, I don't think you would but I know I have in the past.
I've dreamt of things that I cannot possibly tell you that you do not need to know and I promise I will not anymore.
We need to protect eachother, take care of eachother, whatever that may look like.
Trust me. I know what I'm doing because I am following God. I am in God's hands, please trust Him with my life. You don't need to control everything, I'm going to be okay.
Do not give up hope in our relationship as I am known to do. If this is to work, it will work because we did not give up. It will work because we had faith that our God is a God of reconciliation, that our God can make all things new, that our God can heal any pain.
This is what love is. It is not shallow, it is deeper than you or I or anyone could understand.
This is the love that God has for us, and it is the kind of Love that saves, the kind of love that changes lives.
This is my dream, but I need your help to get it. We can't move forward until you decide to help me.
I've been so scared that you're going to die before I can tell you from my heart that I truly love you.
I've been so scared that you're going to die before I can tell you from my heart that I truly forgive you,
And Today I'm tired of being scared
I'm tired of avoiding eye contact
I'm tired of all of this back and forth
I know you don't want me to talk about God the way I do
But I think God is the only one who
Can help us here, we've been broken for a long time
So I propose this Truce
For me, for you.
Hey, Guys
There are a thousand words on the tip of my tongue
I have feared sharing them with you for years.
I don't wanna hurt you, I just want you to see
Everything that you really did to me, whether you meant to or not
I don't want to fight, i just want you to know
That I haven't been okay, I've had to kill a lot of demons because of you.
But I'm quite alright now, because My God specializes in killing demons
And healing hearts
And changing lives
Mom and Dad
I don't know if you meant to,
But You taught me
"All my actions would have equal and opposite reactions"
You taught me I deserve every bad thing to ever happen.
You taught me I deserved your rage, your wrath, your hate
You taught me how to hurt the woman that I love the most.
You taught me this, that
If I mess with the bull
I get the horns, But nobody told
me this, that
Some people will charge me
Because of what's messed up in their heart
And I got the horns my whole life
So I must be to blame
for all my pain
Not anymore
pain out the door, GONE
It seems You needed a target
So you spilled your red paint on me
And kicked your feet, backing up
To end me, the reason
for your rage
I'm not the reason for your rage
I'm not the enemy
It's inside you, Dad
Dad, it's inside your heart
I'm scared of what's in your head
all the things you've done to me, that you've said
Making me wish for my death
I pray,
GOD PUT THESE MEMORIES TO DEATH!
HELP ME BUILD A BRIDGE OVER BLOODY WATER
MAKE THEIR HEARTS CLEAN, MAKE MY HEART CLEAN
I'M DESPERATE FOR YOU TO DO
SOMETHING ANYTHING TO
DRAIN THIS BAD BLOOD
I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER
ANY OF IT ANYMORE
I WANT TO MOVE ON
I WANT TO MOVE FORWARD
I CAN'T CARRY MY APPREHENSION AND RAGE
TO THE GRAVE
YES, YOU HURT ME
AND MAYBE
YOU DON'T BELIEVE THAT YOU DID
BUT YOU GOTTA KNOW THAT'S WHY I LEFT
AND I CAN'T OUTLINE ALL OF THE TIMES
YOU HURT MY HEART, AND I DON'T CARE TO.
BUT I GOTTA ASK YOU
TO RESPECT MY CHOICES
I GOTTA ASK YOU
TO PUT OUR PAST TO DEATH, LET IT LIE THERE IN THE DUST
DON'T BRING IT BACK TO LIFE EVER AGAIN, WE CANNOT STAY IN THE PAST
AND YOU GOTTA REMEMBER THAT I AM NOT
WHO YOU THOUGHT I'D BE
I NEVER WAS, I NEVER WILL BE
BUT I WILL ALWAYS BE 100% ME
I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING THAT YOU
WANTED ME TO DO FOR YOU
IN FACT I KNOW IVE DONE QUITE THE OPPOSITE
I WILL NEVER BE
WHAT MY SISTER ENDED UP BEING
BECAUSE GOD HAS WRITTEN A DIFFERENT STORY
FOR HER THAN HE WROTE FOR ME
BUT PLEASE, MOM AND DAD
KNOW THIS
I AM HAPPY
I AM ALIVE
I'm... living a life that I Love.
One that honors this God of yours, this God of mine, this God of ours
That you always prayed to to bring my sister and I close, that you always wanted us to find.
I... I Do love you in a certain kind of way
But Mom and Dad, we've never been quite right
My whole life I feel we've gone back and forth
between hate and tolerance.
I hate that I've never Loved you the way I feel I should
We never had that connection
I never felt like your son, no
I never felt like your son.
There isn't a day that I don't think of you
I pray for you, I hope that you have what you need
But I pray for me too, That God keeps you
Away from me, don't come near, stay far away
And I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate the way I think of You.
I never truly have loved you
And I know it hurts, but believe me, please
When I say I want to learn to, I want to learn who
You guys are underneath the pain, I only really know your names and birthdays now
I know you have no clue of any of these bees in my breath, I've been too scared to tell you until now.
I know you don't know about the times I've tried to end my life
to escape the hell I've been put through, because I'm scared you'll tell me I'm stupid.
I know you don't know, and maybe you will never know
Because I don't know if It's right to tell you these things I hide behind my eyes.
Maybe a Father and Mother should never know what they did to their son.
All you know is I left and it never sat right with you
I ran away on roads that only run one way and I didn't look back at you
And I've sworn that I'll never come back to that beautiful house that I love
Because there are demons there that will always remember my name
And that corner of my room will never fade away
And every Christmas Eve, some small corner of me remembers
The way your fingers felt around my throat as my eyes begged you to stop.
I want to get rid of these bees in my breath
They sting me daily, their poison is running in my veins, I can feel it killing me
My heart is so heavy
This heart is so heavy for me to carry
These chains around my lungs make it hard to breathe
I've been choking on this rock in my throat for a long time
So please, Mom
Please, Dad
Help me kill our past.
Help me remove your hand from my throat that christmas eve.
Please help me forget
That you don't get along with my ADHD
Please understand that I write dark things
Because My mind is a dark place sometimes.
Please Love me for who I am
Don't expect me to be who you want me to be
Because I think you told me once
That what you wanted the most for me
Was to be happy. And save for this thorn in my side
I am happy.
Please forgive me
When I flinch
Please forgive me
When I get defensive, or seem distant
For this heart of mine is healing slowly
From 20 years of war
For this mind of mine remembers what your anger feels like
For these bones of mine remember the impact of your bodies on mine
And Every day I see more and more of me that points to every part of you, good and bad
And Every Day I learn new things that you did to me that I didn't even know about
And Every Day I learn new things that you did for me that I didn't even know about
And Every day I unpack suitcase after suitcase and put away the baggage that's crammed into my heart
And Every day I ask God to take some of these clothes because I know they don't fit
And Everyday I find new ways you killed me
And Every day I don't call you, I know it kills you, because the last time I heard your voice I heard it crack because you missed my voice
Help me kill our past
If we work together to pursue what true love is
We can do this, Mom
We can do this, Dad
And I'm doin' alright
I don't need your finances right now
Please keep your money
You cannot buy my love
With currency
With worldly things
I don't want them anymore
That's all you've given me, and thank you
Thank you so much
But I just want
You.
My love is purchased
with love returned
Give me your hearts,
Give me your Joy
Give me your Pride
Show me you're proud of the Man I've Become Despite my Anger
Show me you're happy for me
Now this is not conditional
But these are conditions
That must be met
If we want to save our family
If your prodigal son is going to come home.
Be Patient with me, my mind is not like others' minds.
I will be patient with you, remember that you are human like me.
Speak life to me, be kind to me, encourage me.
I will do the same.
Do not dishonor me, tear me down, I will not take it anymore. I'm no victim, Im a man of God, I have accomplished much. I will not be ridiculed. I will not be mocked.
Similarly I will honor you as God has instructed me to.
Do not seek your own gain in this.
In the past I only kept you around so you would help me when I need it. I'm sorry. I will not do this anymore.
Hide your rage from me, but do not be afraid to tell me about what makes you upset.
Do not touch me, Do not raise a hand to me, Do not scream at me, We are adults and we must find a way to get past our differences.
This part of you I took on myself, the rage, the screaming, the hitting. I'm working on walking away calmly, saying "I need to step out" and returning when I am able to be civil.
Keep no record of wrongs. This something we both need to do. I have a list of thousands of times in my mind that you have hurt me, and I want to burn it and walk away from it.
Jesus Christ died for this kind of love. For this to work fundamentally we need to mentally let go of ev-erything that has happened between you and me.
Do not seek my destruction, I don't think you would but I know I have in the past.
I've dreamt of things that I cannot possibly tell you that you do not need to know and I promise I will not anymore.
We need to protect eachother, take care of eachother, whatever that may look like.
Trust me. I know what I'm doing because I am following God. I am in God's hands, please trust Him with my life. You don't need to control everything, I'm going to be okay.
Do not give up hope in our relationship as I am known to do. If this is to work, it will work because we did not give up. It will work because we had faith that our God is a God of reconciliation, that our God can make all things new, that our God can heal any pain.
This is what love is. It is not shallow, it is deeper than you or I or anyone could understand.
This is the love that God has for us, and it is the kind of Love that saves, the kind of love that changes lives.
This is my dream, but I need your help to get it. We can't move forward until you decide to help me.
I've been so scared that you're going to die before I can tell you from my heart that I truly love you.
I've been so scared that you're going to die before I can tell you from my heart that I truly forgive you,
And Today I'm tired of being scared
I'm tired of avoiding eye contact
I'm tired of all of this back and forth
I know you don't want me to talk about God the way I do
But I think God is the only one who
Can help us here, we've been broken for a long time
So I propose this Truce
For me, for you.
SW-User