I Get Stuck In My Past In My Mind Sometimes
Sometimes I will see or hear something that will bring up a not so great memory that I thought I had forgotten. It's strange how memories work. There was a park near the house I grew up in and when I am over that way I will drive past it and I swear the floodgates open. A lot of the original equipment is still there on the playground so that really opens the gates. It's always welcoming when it's a good memory but it rarely is. Lately I've had one pop back up that makes me realize just how much of an outcast I really was in school. I never thought much of it while I was in school especially during my earlier years but the older I got the more I understood "my place in life." I guess you can call it.
In 5th grade making those 1-10 looks rating lists was popular and a group of the popular girls in my class had made one. I was never meant to see the list but because I sat next to one of the girls I saw it in her desk. They had it broken down into looks and personality. I can't remember the exact personality score but I remember the score I got for looks. I got a 2 out of 10. Nobody else had scored that low and it made me feel like crap. In fact it kind of messed me up for awhile. Take a kid who already had problems making friends, fitting in with social and self esteem issues and just beat them down lower.
That was only the beginning. I got hit harder and brought lower and lower throughout middle and highschool. Middle school especially 8th grade was the worst.To this day at damn near 28 years old I still have a lot of issues with trusting others, self esteem and confidence problems.
Everyone thinks what they do to others is funny and all a game. It's just for fun. At whose expense? Well it's a game and it's not funny. You can seriously screw someone up by doing crap like that.
How would you feel if a group of girls started giggling and acting all nervous and calculating before being approached and asked if they could give you a makeover. It would make you feel like trash and yeah that did happen in stupid 8th grade. A lot of crap like that happened to me that year. It was bad enough being new and then reconnecting with someone who used to be a friend in early grade school only to find out they had changed completely and made your life hard in school. Oh yeah I got made fun of for how I dressed because jeans and hoodies are so horrible. At lunch they would run off to the bathroom and talk about me or whisper to one another while looking at me and laugh. Drove me mad and I couldn't leave the table and go elsewhere because our lunch tables were assigned. My supposed friend tried getting me together with some volleyball player girl that lots of people liked and I wasn't having it because I knew it was a joke. The girl was nice and all but for me oh my god is everyone high.
I was so upset at one point I refused to eat my lunch for over a week until I freaked people out enough that they stopped. Yeah I pretty much starved myself on purpose to get people to leave me alone. Not proud of it but it worked for awhile.
Christ I am sorry this got long but it was all just coming out. Things I've never told anyone before. Things nobody knows I knew about. Things nobody knew I had experienced and went through. Crap that's been eating me alive for over a decade.
In 5th grade making those 1-10 looks rating lists was popular and a group of the popular girls in my class had made one. I was never meant to see the list but because I sat next to one of the girls I saw it in her desk. They had it broken down into looks and personality. I can't remember the exact personality score but I remember the score I got for looks. I got a 2 out of 10. Nobody else had scored that low and it made me feel like crap. In fact it kind of messed me up for awhile. Take a kid who already had problems making friends, fitting in with social and self esteem issues and just beat them down lower.
That was only the beginning. I got hit harder and brought lower and lower throughout middle and highschool. Middle school especially 8th grade was the worst.To this day at damn near 28 years old I still have a lot of issues with trusting others, self esteem and confidence problems.
Everyone thinks what they do to others is funny and all a game. It's just for fun. At whose expense? Well it's a game and it's not funny. You can seriously screw someone up by doing crap like that.
How would you feel if a group of girls started giggling and acting all nervous and calculating before being approached and asked if they could give you a makeover. It would make you feel like trash and yeah that did happen in stupid 8th grade. A lot of crap like that happened to me that year. It was bad enough being new and then reconnecting with someone who used to be a friend in early grade school only to find out they had changed completely and made your life hard in school. Oh yeah I got made fun of for how I dressed because jeans and hoodies are so horrible. At lunch they would run off to the bathroom and talk about me or whisper to one another while looking at me and laugh. Drove me mad and I couldn't leave the table and go elsewhere because our lunch tables were assigned. My supposed friend tried getting me together with some volleyball player girl that lots of people liked and I wasn't having it because I knew it was a joke. The girl was nice and all but for me oh my god is everyone high.
I was so upset at one point I refused to eat my lunch for over a week until I freaked people out enough that they stopped. Yeah I pretty much starved myself on purpose to get people to leave me alone. Not proud of it but it worked for awhile.
Christ I am sorry this got long but it was all just coming out. Things I've never told anyone before. Things nobody knows I knew about. Things nobody knew I had experienced and went through. Crap that's been eating me alive for over a decade.
31-35, M
