I Think About Death
When I was really bad depressed I had these thoughts about life and now that I am in a better place mentally I still find it hard to loose these thoughts. I am still finding it difficult to get interested in this life again. It still feels like it is all for nothing, like we are all working so hard in this life just to get to die at the end. When I put life, my life, in it's simplest terms, there is no meaning. I have people I care for in my life and people that care for me, that is not what I mean. Of course life has meaning on an individual level.
Life is what you make it and my life is exactly what I want and where it is not I have plans to change things around to get where I want to be. My life is not bad, just worthless in a very general sense. I just wanted to get it out, I have to want to get interested and that part, the want to, I am having difficulty with. It is just so hard to find interest in something I don't value much. Don't get me wrong, I go through it everyday and sometimes I really try to make the best of it because I have other people to care for and I put on a great front. No one knows the real me, my real thoughts and feelings.
I know it is on me to change my thoughts and feelings and to get interested in this life again. It is just so difficult after these thoughts have been planted deep in my brain and they linger like a weed that you just can't kill in the middle of the flower bed. I look around and see so many people caught up in the distractions life offers, I bore so quickly with them. I look at them and see them oblivious to the nothingness of life and perhaps they are not oblivious to it but choose not to dwell on it. And people need to believe there is life after death, and perhaps that is part of my own hopelessness because I believe this life is all there is.
Don't get me wrong, I have believed before but religion always gets to a point of ridiculousness for me. But I understand other people's need to believe and I don't try to discourage anyone. Very few people even know that I don't believe. I have lost interest in so many things when I was at my worst in my depression and perhaps I have not overcame my depression completely, at least I am not thinking about death all the time now.
I was doing drugs and even lost interest in doing them. I don't miss them nor think about them like I used to before I lost interest in pretty much everything. I am interested in seeing that 3 people I care a great deal for, are taken care of to the best of my ability. And for now that is the only thing that keeps me hanging on in a world that I am so tired of being a part of.
Life is what you make it and my life is exactly what I want and where it is not I have plans to change things around to get where I want to be. My life is not bad, just worthless in a very general sense. I just wanted to get it out, I have to want to get interested and that part, the want to, I am having difficulty with. It is just so hard to find interest in something I don't value much. Don't get me wrong, I go through it everyday and sometimes I really try to make the best of it because I have other people to care for and I put on a great front. No one knows the real me, my real thoughts and feelings.
I know it is on me to change my thoughts and feelings and to get interested in this life again. It is just so difficult after these thoughts have been planted deep in my brain and they linger like a weed that you just can't kill in the middle of the flower bed. I look around and see so many people caught up in the distractions life offers, I bore so quickly with them. I look at them and see them oblivious to the nothingness of life and perhaps they are not oblivious to it but choose not to dwell on it. And people need to believe there is life after death, and perhaps that is part of my own hopelessness because I believe this life is all there is.
Don't get me wrong, I have believed before but religion always gets to a point of ridiculousness for me. But I understand other people's need to believe and I don't try to discourage anyone. Very few people even know that I don't believe. I have lost interest in so many things when I was at my worst in my depression and perhaps I have not overcame my depression completely, at least I am not thinking about death all the time now.
I was doing drugs and even lost interest in doing them. I don't miss them nor think about them like I used to before I lost interest in pretty much everything. I am interested in seeing that 3 people I care a great deal for, are taken care of to the best of my ability. And for now that is the only thing that keeps me hanging on in a world that I am so tired of being a part of.
