I Am Afraid Of Never Being Truly Loved

I won't lie. I do have this fear. Fear of abandonment and never being loved.

My mom was an alcoholic and drug addict. She was always leaving me for drugs. She was never worried about me My husband because she said I had a good head of my shoulders. Doesn't mean I wasn't harmed.

My husband I feel like the more he got to know me, the more he hated me. And I never really got to show him all of me because I didn't feel safe with it.

I wasn't married for too long before he started on going on trips. Hes always happy on these trips. Even in the beginning he was never happy with me, but was always happy when he was away from me.

And some of these trips ...... at least one of them he wasn't going where he said he was.

So yes I'm afraid I may never be loved. The only people who've ever made me feel loved are my children. But I feel like I'm choking. Sometimes I feel like I'm dying inside. I see everyone but me experiencing romantic love. Everyone but me.

So...... I don't know if I really do believe in love. Not that kind anyways. I'm not sure if I'll ever experience it.