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I Am Afraid Of Never Being Truly Loved

I won't lie. I do have this fear. Fear of abandonment and never being loved.

My mom was an alcoholic and drug addict. She was always leaving me for drugs. She was never worried about me My husband because she said I had a good head of my shoulders. Doesn't mean I wasn't harmed.

My husband I feel like the more he got to know me, the more he hated me. And I never really got to show him all of me because I didn't feel safe with it.

I wasn't married for too long before he started on going on trips. Hes always happy on these trips. Even in the beginning he was never happy with me, but was always happy when he was away from me.

And some of these trips ...... at least one of them he wasn't going where he said he was.

So yes I'm afraid I may never be loved. The only people who've ever made me feel loved are my children. But I feel like I'm choking. Sometimes I feel like I'm dying inside. I see everyone but me experiencing romantic love. Everyone but me.

So...... I don't know if I really do believe in love. Not that kind anyways. I'm not sure if I'll ever experience it.

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Mettamomma

Between your childhood treatment by your alcoholic, addicted mom to your treatment by your sexually and emotionally withholding ISIS-admiring husband in an arranged marriage, you have many emotional wounds that deserve to be healed.Individual therapy with a therapist experienced in working with children of alcoholics could give you the support that would help you realize you are worthy of love and capable of getting it.

Your extended family and several of us have strongly suggested that you enter therapy. Some of us even have shared his therapy helped us including helping transform our self images and helping release us from lifetimes of depression and low self esteem.Have you found a therapist snd entered therapy yet?

Getting involved in Al Anon of Nar Anon also could help. Both are free anonymous groups for people whose lives have been affected by others' drinking of drug use. The groups are available on line and in person throughout many parts of the world.Reading about codependency and about adult children of alcoholics also will help. The book that I found most helpful was, "guide to recovery"by Gravitz and Bowen.

darktippedrose · 36-40, F

I went to Alanon and alateen as a kid. It helped. I had counseling after my mom died but I don't think we went deep into codependency. I;ll look into that book. Thank you.

I'll look up some online groups for adults of alcoholic parents. I'm still waiting on getting approved for counseling. Its hard here to find good counseling especially because I"m on medicaid. So hopefully soon I'll be able to get some in.