I Have Schizoaffective Disorder

I went to the doctors office today, and I overheard that there was another movie inspired by my life made....And in it, I think I heard that my husband was depicted as my dad, instead of my lover. This theme has been going on forever, ever since I've met my husband who is 20 years older than me and yes he treats me like a child rather than an equal. I know that we are to no longer conform to the pattern of these worlds but to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. But I'm grossed out by my husbands possible infidelity with my second cousin, I'm totally turned off by him. But yet I chose to stay with him because I don't think that I can make it on my own without his care and support. I'd lose my children I'd lose everything, just to live a hermits life in poverty. So I choose to stay. with my family whom I love so dearly. Even if I've been wronged. and grossed out and the trust broken. Even if it isn't perfect. Otherwise I don't know what I'd do with myself. I already think that I'm dying with clogged arteries in my neck, I don't think that I have much time left anyways. I would be more lonely if I left. I have family love if I stay. So I will stay.

I just fear somebody condemning me for the movie, will I fall? Will I suffer more than I can bare? Will I be traumatized by my demons? Will I fight with all of my might until heavens light breaks through? Until I'm exhausted and die? Will the people around me be resurrected along side of me? Will the Angels sing holy holy holy? Will Christ live in me and through me? I am a frail vessel, I don't think that I would survive it all. So please if you see the movie of my life, Please don't cast stones at me by being critical of me, yelling and screaming at me, I'll fall!