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I Am Pathetic

I take out so much anger towards my family and myself it destroys parts of me. I blame them for making me this way and I blame myslef for sitting like this thinking it will get better. I hate being told I’m not enough, smart enough, talented enough. It’s shitty and I’m stuck here in limbo between so much anger that it’s rubbing away at me. What do I even do

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hippyjoe1955 · 61-69, M

Are your self doubts self induced or do others tell you that you are not living up to their standards?

Cow1919

@hippyjoe1955 no they tell me that, I’m just taking it and believing it’s true

hippyjoe1955 · 61-69, M

@Cow1919 OK don't doubt you. Why do you think they say those things?

Cow1919

@hippyjoe1955 becuse it’s what they see in me

hippyjoe1955 · 61-69, M

@Cow1919 So you don't live up to their standards?

Cow1919

@hippyjoe1955 most of the time I don’t even know what they are

hippyjoe1955 · 61-69, M

@Cow1919 That makes it hard to meet standards one doesn't know or understand.

Cow1919

@hippyjoe1955 I just want some kind of response other than, it wasn’t that great, or this is what you do with your time?

hippyjoe1955 · 61-69, M

@Cow1919 Yes I can imagine. I wouldn't want that load dumped on me either. Do you believe the nonsense or do you take a stand on your own?

Cow1919

@hippyjoe1955 I believe it, the parent know best don’t they

hippyjoe1955 · 61-69, M

@Cow1919 Not always. Sometimes they are simply projecting their own sense of failure onto their child. If they were failures then their child must also be a failure.

Cow1919

@hippyjoe1955 they aren’t, they have a good life and stability, seven kids and a house.

hippyjoe1955 · 61-69, M

@Cow1919 That doesn't mean much. They may still view themselves as failures and project that feeling onto their children.

Cow1919

@hippyjoe1955 with seven of us I hope they somehow fix it. Three of them grew like normal kids the rest of us got shit

hippyjoe1955 · 61-69, M

@Cow1919 Yeah it sounds very much like your parents are self loathers. You should have pity on them for never being happy with themselves.

Cow1919

@hippyjoe1955 they’re not happy with one another either, that marriage is holding by a thread until the last two kids turn 18

hippyjoe1955 · 61-69, M

@Cow1919 Yeah that's what I sense. Your best choice is realizing the hatred they are throwing your way are meant for them.

Cow1919

@hippyjoe1955 I just think I deserve one word, I ply three instruments, learning Chinese and work with theatre, dance, and trampoline in my free time. Every time I pick up something new it’s like hitting a wall

hippyjoe1955 · 61-69, M

@Cow1919 I understand completely. You have to start doing something new and that is 'living your own life for your own reasons'.

Cow1919

@hippyjoe1955 I do everything except make them happy, they go to my events and complain about being there. I’ve had enough of being told that shit I deserve one word

hippyjoe1955 · 61-69, M

@Cow1919 Yeah I know what you mean. For your own survival you simply have to know that you have done well enough for your own satisfaction.