I was living downtown. At the time, I was new to the city and I came from a fairly sheltered suburban, somewhat privileged life. In other words, literally, I knew nothing about life or myself. It was the first of several attempts at living on my own. It was one of a string of crummy apartments I would call my own, but this was my first and the taste of independence was roller-coaster scary and exhilarating at the same time. I didn't yet have a job and I invited the pounding frustration my father expressed over my immaturity, my inability to make the "right" decision by seeing things his way, and his insistence that he "hoped I knew what I was doing" to define everything about me at the time.
In a lame attempt to prove (to myself, I guess) my independence, I took a late night walk. No questions asked; no permission needed. The state Capitol was only blocks away and I walked there. There was a strong and comforting chill in the air with my image of a man against the world and a man succeeding against the world fully locked and loaded in my mind. I forgot my music, but I hummed confidently to myself. At the Capitol, I walked "the circle." There were a few people standing along the way which was surprising given the time, but all that seemed important was that I was on my own, secure with my hoodie up against the cold, and my mind set, even if deceptively, that I could do this!
As I turned back on my street to head home... to my home... a car started to follow me. I was aware of it from the start. It considered my pace and trailed behind. I stopped humming (it was the theme song to a guilty-pleasure TV show) and I quickened my pace. I remember feeling distinctly nervous. The car continued to follow and keep pace. I didn't look at it; only zeroing in on my destination. My sense of owning the world crumbled into wanting to be back home... my parents home... in my suburban bedroom. As I reached my apartment building, the car stopped. I hesitated. I glanced at the car; I looked inside to the lighted hallway of the building. I lunged for the door - of the building. From inside, I turned to the street and the car. It waited as though it was waiting for me. And, then it pulled away.
It was several months later when I found out the "Capitol Circle" is a gay prostitute hook-up location during late night into early morning hours. At the time, and before I found this out, I remember wondering what would have happened if an interaction had occurred. When I think about that time, I remember how vulnerable I felt because of how vulnerable I was. It still makes me feel sad.
