I Lost Myself Somewhere Along the Way
This became a longer story then I wanted to be, but its my story and I carry it with pride.
I have always been a weirdo and I love myself for it. I am now in a point in my life where I honestly dont care if people think of me and that I am building a friendba<x>se that is accepting and loving towards me, just like I accept and love them in return. It feels so much more rewarding in the end and it completly changed my life in a positive way.
But like every story I didnt start my life like this. I was however always a happy child that loved music and loved being crazy. That I was differnent I already knew because I wasnt raised by my parents but by my grandparents. I hardly saw my parents but I got so much love from my grandparents that I only look back with much joy in my childhood and the first 14 years of my life. After that it became a struggle.
I was 14 and had lots of friends and on one day I decided to go out and meet a friend which was rare for me since I was very much a person that likes the comfort of home. My grandpa was at work and my grandmother was at home and a little sad that I told her I was going to meet a friend. She let me go and that sad ex<x>pression on her face as she waved me goodbye from the window is burned forever in my memory. She passed away that day and cellphones or mobilephones werent common for kids at that time so I found out after I got home an hour later. She never told me she had cancer it was something I found out later and learned about later on when a decent treatment was developed which could have saved her life. But it did not matter at that time, my world was caving in. Besides the guilt I felt for leaving and my grandpa left quite quickly to Suriname to process his loss alone, I was put back with my real parents. By that time I had two little brothers that did got to stay and were spoiled to the bone, while I was given away and hardly ever looked at. I felt lost, abandoned, guilty and angry but most of all I felt hurt. I could not say a propper goodbye since my family thought I could not handle the situation and all the memories I had in the house I lived in was either sold or taken by soneone else. I had no picture of her nor do I have now, which I am still uoset about.
My life changed, I was going through changes in my life and emotiins which I did not understand yet. I mainly kept things to myself, I never really spoke unless it was really needed. In combination with my weirdness and being tranfered to a new school because I had to move in with my parents, I became a target for bullying. I will not go into details what they did to me but a lot of abuse happend. My parents only got upset with me when I came home bruised and hurting, telling me that I need to adjust and try to fit in. Telling me that myself is not good enough and that I will never survive in this world if I would not man up and start act like every other guy. I can't say I havent tried but I had all the wrong rolemodels to tell me what a normal guy should be like, so every attempt felt unnatural. My parents also felt that I was staying home too much and that a boy my age should go out more so I was often not allowed in the house. I was scared ofcourse because still most people bullied me that I prefered to hide. So I looked for shelter in nature, in a forrest near my house I created this underground shelter, where I had my books and could spend my time untill I was allowed in the house again. I loved adventure, mystery and horror stories and it made me create my own craving for adventure. It also gave me a little more confidence and in my last year of high school I did have some sort of friends but I only sat with them but we had nothing incommon. They were a bunch of stoners who didnt care much who sat with them.
Those stoners made me realize that sitting and waisting your life away on alcohol and drugs was not what I invisioned my life to be. I wanted to travel, but i was young and had no drivers license nor a lot of money so I started hitchhiking, it was fun and I met some nice people, I started hiking nationally but then got the idea to expand. So i tried germany but it was a lot harder untill I eventually got attacked by perverts. Who thought I was there for more then just a ride, luckily I did know how to defend myself but it happend a couple of times in germany and belgium untill I saw on the news kids missing in belgium and eventually found dead and the last time I only got barely away. I got scared and stopped so I had to face real life again.
Now I wanted to fall in love but with the mess I was I could not even get a poster to love me so I asked my mom for help. She told me what cloths to wear and how to do my hair and be a gentleman and stuff. Sure enough I found myself a girl who obviously had her own idea of how I shoukd look so I rolled with her ideas and goals and ambitions. I worked a full time job so I could affort everything she wanted but after two years I really felt unhappy still. Everything felt so empty and even her happiness did not help anymore. I trusted her with my unhappiness and she did seem to care and I was allowed to have a hobby as long as it was something she approved. But it only turned into fights which I never started but I always had to apologize. She eventually left me whuch ofcourse I blamed on myself. I felt unlovable and I really felt that no one in this world could appreciate me and it hit me right in the heart. I started cutting to forget my sadness and to experience real pain which became addicting. It hurts a lot but for some sort of reason I kept doing it. I surrounded myself with people that felt hurt like me and were cutting like me aswell, i felt understood by these people but I started to notice that the cutting for them becamse some sort of competition. Something to brag about and fighting who had a worse life. But I didn't saw it at that moment untill one of them died. I was so shicked and so sad but the others were like, he is so lucky he pulled it off. which felt so wrong to me. I felt sad but I do not want to die, so I left the group.
It took me lots of talking, lots of meeting people and lots of concerts to find out who I was. Also what my passion was and what my goals and ambitions are in life. From that point untill now I made a few more mistakes and I was in a friendship which did not allow me to be myself either but I settled with it because I thought I would never find friends again so I adjusted to him which in the end slapped me right back in the face, which made me end up here on EP. I was lost for a long time in my life but being here has allowed me to accept who I am and that there are people in the world that accept me for who I am aswell. I never was a judgemental person and nor will I ever be one and I love myself for it.
Dont be afraid of making mistakes, it makes you grow. It will help you better understand what kind of person you are. I might not be the brightest person in the world but I sure got experience. As for my emotions, I am proud of it and my weirdness, its my trademark and people will love me for it. My grandmother has passed away but has been protection me all along and I cant dissapoint her by giving up on what I always dreamt I would do.
I have always been a weirdo and I love myself for it. I am now in a point in my life where I honestly dont care if people think of me and that I am building a friendba<x>se that is accepting and loving towards me, just like I accept and love them in return. It feels so much more rewarding in the end and it completly changed my life in a positive way.
But like every story I didnt start my life like this. I was however always a happy child that loved music and loved being crazy. That I was differnent I already knew because I wasnt raised by my parents but by my grandparents. I hardly saw my parents but I got so much love from my grandparents that I only look back with much joy in my childhood and the first 14 years of my life. After that it became a struggle.
I was 14 and had lots of friends and on one day I decided to go out and meet a friend which was rare for me since I was very much a person that likes the comfort of home. My grandpa was at work and my grandmother was at home and a little sad that I told her I was going to meet a friend. She let me go and that sad ex<x>pression on her face as she waved me goodbye from the window is burned forever in my memory. She passed away that day and cellphones or mobilephones werent common for kids at that time so I found out after I got home an hour later. She never told me she had cancer it was something I found out later and learned about later on when a decent treatment was developed which could have saved her life. But it did not matter at that time, my world was caving in. Besides the guilt I felt for leaving and my grandpa left quite quickly to Suriname to process his loss alone, I was put back with my real parents. By that time I had two little brothers that did got to stay and were spoiled to the bone, while I was given away and hardly ever looked at. I felt lost, abandoned, guilty and angry but most of all I felt hurt. I could not say a propper goodbye since my family thought I could not handle the situation and all the memories I had in the house I lived in was either sold or taken by soneone else. I had no picture of her nor do I have now, which I am still uoset about.
My life changed, I was going through changes in my life and emotiins which I did not understand yet. I mainly kept things to myself, I never really spoke unless it was really needed. In combination with my weirdness and being tranfered to a new school because I had to move in with my parents, I became a target for bullying. I will not go into details what they did to me but a lot of abuse happend. My parents only got upset with me when I came home bruised and hurting, telling me that I need to adjust and try to fit in. Telling me that myself is not good enough and that I will never survive in this world if I would not man up and start act like every other guy. I can't say I havent tried but I had all the wrong rolemodels to tell me what a normal guy should be like, so every attempt felt unnatural. My parents also felt that I was staying home too much and that a boy my age should go out more so I was often not allowed in the house. I was scared ofcourse because still most people bullied me that I prefered to hide. So I looked for shelter in nature, in a forrest near my house I created this underground shelter, where I had my books and could spend my time untill I was allowed in the house again. I loved adventure, mystery and horror stories and it made me create my own craving for adventure. It also gave me a little more confidence and in my last year of high school I did have some sort of friends but I only sat with them but we had nothing incommon. They were a bunch of stoners who didnt care much who sat with them.
Those stoners made me realize that sitting and waisting your life away on alcohol and drugs was not what I invisioned my life to be. I wanted to travel, but i was young and had no drivers license nor a lot of money so I started hitchhiking, it was fun and I met some nice people, I started hiking nationally but then got the idea to expand. So i tried germany but it was a lot harder untill I eventually got attacked by perverts. Who thought I was there for more then just a ride, luckily I did know how to defend myself but it happend a couple of times in germany and belgium untill I saw on the news kids missing in belgium and eventually found dead and the last time I only got barely away. I got scared and stopped so I had to face real life again.
Now I wanted to fall in love but with the mess I was I could not even get a poster to love me so I asked my mom for help. She told me what cloths to wear and how to do my hair and be a gentleman and stuff. Sure enough I found myself a girl who obviously had her own idea of how I shoukd look so I rolled with her ideas and goals and ambitions. I worked a full time job so I could affort everything she wanted but after two years I really felt unhappy still. Everything felt so empty and even her happiness did not help anymore. I trusted her with my unhappiness and she did seem to care and I was allowed to have a hobby as long as it was something she approved. But it only turned into fights which I never started but I always had to apologize. She eventually left me whuch ofcourse I blamed on myself. I felt unlovable and I really felt that no one in this world could appreciate me and it hit me right in the heart. I started cutting to forget my sadness and to experience real pain which became addicting. It hurts a lot but for some sort of reason I kept doing it. I surrounded myself with people that felt hurt like me and were cutting like me aswell, i felt understood by these people but I started to notice that the cutting for them becamse some sort of competition. Something to brag about and fighting who had a worse life. But I didn't saw it at that moment untill one of them died. I was so shicked and so sad but the others were like, he is so lucky he pulled it off. which felt so wrong to me. I felt sad but I do not want to die, so I left the group.
It took me lots of talking, lots of meeting people and lots of concerts to find out who I was. Also what my passion was and what my goals and ambitions are in life. From that point untill now I made a few more mistakes and I was in a friendship which did not allow me to be myself either but I settled with it because I thought I would never find friends again so I adjusted to him which in the end slapped me right back in the face, which made me end up here on EP. I was lost for a long time in my life but being here has allowed me to accept who I am and that there are people in the world that accept me for who I am aswell. I never was a judgemental person and nor will I ever be one and I love myself for it.
Dont be afraid of making mistakes, it makes you grow. It will help you better understand what kind of person you are. I might not be the brightest person in the world but I sure got experience. As for my emotions, I am proud of it and my weirdness, its my trademark and people will love me for it. My grandmother has passed away but has been protection me all along and I cant dissapoint her by giving up on what I always dreamt I would do.
41-45, M
