I Dream Black Dreams

@Northwest I was in therapy, but I quit because my therapist believed in me running the session. She never asked questions until I brought up a conversation, and unfortunately I'm not good at opening up to people in awkward face to face environments.
And as for the being friends and prolonging the pain, I agree.. it would be easier to let go completely. But he tells me stuff like "we might have a chance in the future but right now I just need a fully separate life from you" and idk how to go about this? See I have nowhere to go, I'm basically getting kicked out of my parents now too, so I was going to marry my bestfriend and move on the army base with her... but this is something that will forever damage a chance with him.

@StonerGirl69 [quote]we might have a chance in the future but right now I just need a fully separate life from you[/quote]

is code for: I want to do whatever the hell I want, and you're my backup plan, so whenever I am not getting lucky out there, you're my go to booty call.

It sounds like you had a really bad therapist, so you need to find yourself a better therapist.

You're also confusing me. Are you in a relationship with a woman, who's also your best friend, and you're considering getting married, or are you thinking about doing it, because she already has a place to live, and you can have medical benefits? If the latter is the case, then there are about a million legal reason why you should not do it, chief among them is fraud, and when it comes to Uncle Sam, that will not be fun.

Do you have a job? Why are you getting kicked out of your parents' house?

@Northwest I have a job, I'm a cna.. but my bestfriend doesn't have a place yet.. we would get one if we got married after she gets back from basics. We're both kinda in the same position, and we had this thought of why not marry each other and get the help we need because if we do end up stuck with one another we'd be okay with it. She's my bestfriend, we're both gay... but never have been towards each other. I mean maybe we actually have feelings and don't know how to say it? But idk..

@StonerGirl69 OK, I am thoroughly confused. I referred to your ex as as "he" and said you were each other's first.

Now you're saying that you're gay?

In any case, you don't need to be married to get a place together. You don't get married, when the best you can come up with is "idk". In any case, if she has designs on you, once you're living together, it's going to be hard to avoid the elephant in the room.

CNA, as in Certified Network Administrator? If that's the case, this could be a good paying job and you should have options.

You mentioned that all your friends left for college. Why aren't you in college? If you messed up in high school, you can always restart at the community college level. At your age, you can probably get the state to pick up tuition.

Don't rule this out as a possibility, and I really urge you to go for it. For one thing, it will help you regain some focus.

@Northwest my ex is a guy, the only guy I've sexually been with.. I tried with a few others on mine and his breaks and it physically couldn't happen. (Tmi but their dicks wouldn't fit even with lube) it was just a horrible experience to add to the factor that I could be gay. I've always been bi, and the physical attraction to both sexes is there... I just think sexually I only connect with females. I don't like shit inside of me😅😂 so yeah... and no I'm a caregiver at a nursing home (certified nursing assistant). It sucks now though, I'm in a horrible state of mind and everything sets me off lately.
I do want to get into school, but I want to move and be set where I'm at first. And that can't be where I'm at now.

@StonerGirl69 Yes, this is TMI :-)

I gave a similar answer on another SW thread, but there's enough clinical data out there, to convince any thinking person, that sexuality is not binary. It's more like a sliding scale, with the 10% on one end homosexual, 10% on the opposite end straight, and everyone in between in a state of flux, the closer you're the middle, the more flexible you are, and in that case, it's the person, not the gender, that ultimately determines sexual behavior.

If you think you can only connect with women, then there's an additional element into the mix here, where you may think that your BF's loss is so huge, because it robs you of the opportunity to be "normal"? That's for you and your therapist to discuss though. Just don't let him use you for something you don't want.

A nursing home caregiver is a dead end job (sorry), and does not pay well. If you can't be where you are now, then why don't you move? You're young, and it sounds if you're closer to 18 than you are to 21. You can get a CNA giver in quite a few states, and use that as a stepping stone.

@Northwest LOL. Sorry. & I think that is true, I do feel as if my chance at being normal is ruined now.. and my dog is like a kid to me, a constant reminder of him because he bought her for me.. and then if we got back together he missed out on her life😢😂 its stupid, I know.. but I just care so much about him.
And I do plan on using my cna as a way to get out of here, however marrying my bestfriend still seems awesome! We'd always have each other no matter what, who doesn't want that?

@StonerGirl69 In the future romantic comedy, starring Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus, that makes a whole lot of sense, but in real life, I don't know who wants that. For starters, there are a whole bunch of legal issues, When you're married, your finances (IRS), names, and everything else is tossed into a blender, and good luck separating our the pieces when it's over.

Don't hold out any hope that your ex BF will be back. Chances are he won't.

You can live together if you still want her to be part of your life.

@Northwest well if I can't have him I'd rather just stay with my bestfriend, my trust with everyone else is complete shit.. and a divorce really isn't that hard if you have an agreement. Someone will really have to show me its worth giving another chance for me to change my mind, sorry. Thanks for the help!